Roommates

Bold of you to assume

Waiting until Tony and Henri were for sure gone Jamie finally successfully takes her hand back and immediately stands up. Restlessly pacing back and forth in front of the bench Bucky still sat on in a tight line to get out the excess pent up adrenaline coursing through her body. “Bucky, I don't think this is a good idea. And not just because of the whole Steve situation.” She's quick to cut him off when he goes to open his mouth to protest. Tucking back a strand of hair she twines her fingers together as she speaks, avoiding looking Buck in the eye. “After all of the stuff that happened with Thomas I realized that I'm not ready for everything that comes with a serious relationship. Marriage and kids. It's a lot. I've just gotten everyone back and I lost my job at the magazine.. I need to figure out where I am in this new place.” She twirls her hand in a circle to mean her life.

“Doll, breathe.” Standing up, Bucky takes her flailing hands in his and tries to help her to calm down. Once she's suitably calm he smiles at her. Ducking his head a little to get her to look up at him. “I'm not ready for kids or marriage either.” Though down the road he wouldn’t be opposed if it was with Jamie, should she want the same thing. “All I know is I've fallen for this amazing woman who I happen to live with and I want to be with. I want us to go slowly as I also figure out everything now that I'm back. If you’ll let me, I want to be your friend and partner. The rest of it is all a bonus that can happen as slowly or as quickly as you're ready for.” He preens a bit when she blushes at the mention of them finally sleeping together. Something that she had thought about a lot and so apparently had he. 

Tucking back some of her hair Bucky lowers his voice as fear fills his eyes. “If you really don't want to be with me because your feelings have changed since we last talked then I understand. I'm really hoping that they haven't because I can’t imagine my life without you in it by my side.” He finally goes quiet waiting for her reply. 

Groaning with despair Jamie reluctantly pulls away, unable to look into his arctic colored eyes knowing that no matter what she says or how she explains it, she’ll end up hurting him. Something she’s been trying to avoid ever since she left New York. Using this time apart Jamie had tried to figure out a way that this could work between them, but has come up with nothing useful. Every scenario leaves one or both of them heartbroken or Steve hurting because of them. And Bucky just got his life back so how could she do that to him? No. It would be better for them both if they stop this before any of that happens. It would suck but she would rather they both suffer a little pain now to be able to survive than if it happened later which would be much more devastating. 

Putting even more space between them Jamie shakes her head as she hugs her arms around herself. “I’m sorry but I can’t. Everyone I love dies or I hurt. I loved my parents and they died in a car accident. I loved Peter, May, Ned and Mj. I loved them so much and they died for five years all because of an ugly purple alien who thought he knew what was best. Then I loved and hurt Thomas by not being in love with him the way he was with me. I love and hurt Steve because I only love him as a friend instead of something more and there's now you. I love you and it’s only a matter of time before I either hurt you so badly that you’ll never want to see me again or you’ll die.” Seeing the understanding in Bucky’s expression has her heart softening towards him. 

But when he goes to step forward she tries to harden her heart back up. Shaking her head vehemently Jamie resumes her frantic pacing. “No! I can’t do it. I refuse to hurt you or have you die on me. I don’t think I could stand to lose anyone else.” A brief flash of what happened last time and how she almost ended it all fills her mind’s eye causing her whole body to shudder. She knew she couldn’t go through the recovery again. It was too hard. Too painful.

“You’re in love with me…” Bucky’s awed voice filters through to her chaotic brain. When she shakes her head no, he nods his dark head yes with a grin on his lips. “That’s what you said,” Buck can’t help the widening smile that spreads across his face even though she’s freaking out. She loved him. That meant that there was nothing that they couldn’t figure out together. He just had to get her to calm down first.