Sin For Me

Chapter 15

A week had passed since I had last seen Vivian.

Leaving her house and going to my own apartment felt really weird, knowing that I wouldn't be spending the night there again.

Also, I was lucky enough to be able to afford to live on my own now.
Vivian offered to pay for the place but I insisted on paying for it myself.
It was something that I felt I had to do.

I still saw Lily and Zafina periodically despite the fact that I no longer lived with them.
They were my friends, After all.

To be honest there were still times where I wished that I had a roommate just so that I didn't have to feel so lonely all the time.

I didn't know what to with myself so I decided to just get clean. By showering, I mean.

I walked over all the unopened designer bags that were laying across my bedroom floor.
Vivian had gotten them for me because she knew I liked materialistic things and yet, when I was with her I couldn't care less about what she bought me.

All I wanted was her.

I avoided trampling on the bags and went to the bathroom where I took wet wipes and wiped all the make up off of my face.
I sighed as I peeled my lashes off and even took a nail clipper, chopping off my acrylics and then soaking them in acetone so that my nail beds were fresh and free.
I stripped the expensive clothes off of my body, taking the heavy jewellery off of my neck.

I got into the shower and took a wash cloth and soap.
The water burned my skin but I didn't care. The bathroom filled with steam. I started scrubbing at my body.

I wanted to feel as fresh and clean as I did on the day that I was first born.

I gulped as I kept scrubbing.
No matter how hard I put the cloth to my body, I still felt so dirty, inside and out.

I could still feel Nathan's hands on me.
I could still feel the way I betrayed Vivian inside of me.
I could still feel the ache of my heart yelling at me for being a sinner, for feeling this way about a woman.

I got on my knees, covering myself in soap and allowing the water to fall over me in attempt to cleanse myself.

I put my hands together and prayed.

I prayed and prayed and prayed.

"Lord, Please take away this hurt. I don't want to feel like this anymore."

I was met back only with silence and the hurt inside me growing deeper.

I couldn't begin to explain how sorry I was for everything.
I couldn't begin to explain how much I wanted Nathan to pay for what he had done.
I couldn't begin to explain how much I know my mother traumatised me, and yet at that moment I wanted a comfort that only my mother could provide.

I screamed until my throat burned and clutched at my stomach, tears streaming down my face.

I know that you don't have to feel remorse towards me. You're probably thinking, "Fuck it. She did this to herself. She could've just broken up with Luca and started dating Vivian."

Firstly, It wasn't always bad with Luca. We were deemed the perfect couple for a reason.
We got along so well to the point where it looked like we would be together forever.
We were dating for literal years up until I had met Vivian.

I couldn't give that up because I thought I might be attracted to someone else.

I'm well aware that once your relationship turns from something beautiful into something chaotic, you need to let it go. But I couldn't just do that.