pretty when you cry ☆ {serj tankian}

★

My mind was so scrambled, I didn't know how long it'd been, how much time had passed Serj lit his joint and pressed his lips to mine. It didn't matter. I pushed back into the kiss, trying to ignore Serj's hand resting on my lower back, ignoring the tingling feeling that shot up my spine.

As much as I wanted to kiss him forever, to kiss him for the rest of the night, I was tired, and I knew Serj was too, evident with the way our pace decreased more and more, our once heavy breathing slowing down, even and quiet.

My eyes were droopy, sluggishly peering them open as we both reluctantly pull away, disconnecting our lips which longed to be pressed together. I felt empty.

We peered into each other's eyes, breathless. We never leaned back in.

"I'm so fucking high." Serj murmured, his voice groggy.

I felt a pang in my chest, my stomach twisted into knots, feeling a pain at those four simple words. I didn't know what to feel, or think, or say, my mind rattling, trying to think of a reason why Serj would say that after kissing me for so long. It made me wonder, did it even matter to him?

I was probably overthinking it. It was late, I was high, and I was tired. It probably wasn't that serious, right? I was being stupid.

"Come home with me," Serj breathed out. "Please."

That made me want to vomit. I must've made a face, because his expression changed.

"No, it's nothing like... that. I just don't want to be alone." He whispered.

I slowly, hesitantly nodded.

☆

We both had to make sure the others knew where we were, and after saying farewell, we left. Daron, Shavo, and Andy, were all drinking, somehow not
tired.

We drove in comfortable silence. Well... almost comfortable. I was in my head. I almost regretted everything. The negative thoughts from earlier swam through my head, the words that Serj uttered, the smell of weed between us as we pulled away. I felt sick, almost.

I hated how I let myself get caught up in my feelings. I let myself indulge in my desires. I hated how I felt about my friend. Why did I have to fall for him of all people?

When did our jokes turn into desires? I felt so stupid. I leaned my head on my fist, staring out the window of the car, exhaling. My eyes were droopy, I was tired.

I desperately wanted to say something, anything, but my body grew cold and I froze.

I felt Serj's hand fall onto my arm, which sat on the armrest of the passenger seat. I looked to him and he glanced at me from the corner of his eye, weakly mustering up a smile.

I wanted to melt. Why?

Why?

We got to his place and he hooked his arm around me, leading me inside, tossing me clothes to wear to bed when we got to his bedroom.

"You can change in the bathroom if you'd like." I told me when he realized that I'd timidly frozen up in the middle of the room.

I softly shut the door behind me, flipping on the light. It blinded me for a second, being as the house was so dark and it was the first time for a few hours that I'd been exposed to bright light.

I glared at my reflection in the toothpaste splattered mirror. I was a mess, my makeup smeared, my lips swollen. My hair was everywhere. I wondered how someone like Serj could ever want to kiss me.

Serj had given me an old tee shirt and a pair of shorts, clothes that were probably 2 sizes too big for even him. He always bought his clothes big.

I drowned in the clothes. I had to pull the drawstrings of the shorts as tight as I could. I neatly folded my clothes and set them on the bathroom counter.