Beneath the Urban Stars

10: Crisis and despair

Fuck.

No.

Not again.

I woke up with a sharp pain in my lower back, and it hit me that the seats were not made for sleeping or resting. My neck was also sore and stiff, and I tried to move slowly to ease it off. It took me a few seconds to realize that my dream had become an insane nightmare. I was, again, in the belly of the beast.

Fucking defeated.

Again. On. That. Fucking. Bus.

I took a deep breath and tried my best to hold back my overwhelming emotions. But I couldn't stop the tears that had been building up inside me from streaming down my face. I felt helpless and alone, as if the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I cried and my thoughts raced as I searched for comfort, but found none. No one. Not him.

The sadness and pain grew until it was almost too much to bear.

I was alone again, Jasper had abandoned me again. By choice or by force, he wasn't there and I was trapped one more time in that prison on wheels. Why did I trust him in the first place? After all, he was no more than I stranger in a strange land. I felt so stupid, naïve, a complete idiot. But the flash of his face right before I lost consciousness made me hope that he hadn't done it on purpose, that he was just as trapped as I was.

It that point, hope was the only thing I had.

I couldn't remember exactly if the fake people there were the same as before, I couldn't have cared less. A part of me wanted to go through the whole ordeal or trying to talk to someone, maybe there was a new one just like me. But deep inside I knew it was absolutely worthless.

I lay on the seats again, stretching my arms and legs as I tried to relax. I took deep breaths, the sound of my inhales and exhales filling the air around me. I focused on waking up, feeling the grogginess slowly dissipating. I tried not to move anything, not even a hair, I knew that process way too well.

Then counted to 100 and back to zero, the numbers echoing in my mind like a soothing mantra. I even went down to negative digits and back up, feeling a sense of desperation and being more and more unable to stay still.

I tried to keep my mind blank, but the thoughts started to creep in. I remembered everything vaguely, and it felt like my memories were getting worse and worse with each second that passed. Eventually, I ended up even stealing a couple of sweaters from the people around me, wrapping them around me like a cocoon. The soft fabric and warmth made me feel at least more at ease, like I was in my own little world.

Alone. So alone.

Robots, zombies, mannequins.

They didn't bat an eye.

I couldn't fall asleep, even though the first time I had been able. It seemed that that place, that bus, was determined to mess with every single thing I wanted to happen. And without falling asleep, I couldn't wake up.