Love, Eternal - A Destiel Fanfic

~Chapter Six - Apologies and Confessions~

I was hysterical. Crying and laughing, why must emotions be so hard? I don't usually have emotions so they must be affecting me differently. I didn't have a concept of time so I didn't know how long I was crying, I assumed at least an hour. I looked in the mirror and saw that I looked like a mess. My eyes were red and puffy, my nose was runny, and my hair was sticking up in different places.

"Cas, get your ass over here" I heard Dean pray. I ignored it, afraid of what may happen if I go there. "Cas! Please, come here" Dean prayed. I still ignored him, I couldn't do this. A final time. "Cas...please, I need you, I am not mad..." The desperation in Dean's voice made me tear up again. I couldn't keep ignoring him like this. I wasn't ready though, but was I ever going to be ready? I sat and thought about my options.

I was calling for Cas, praying for him. I needed to tell him how I really felt. "Cas, get your ass over here," I said as my usual prayer. Nothing. Maybe it was too harsh. "Cas! Please, come here" My voice still came out harsher than intended. Still, like I assumed nothing. "Cas...please, I need you, I am not mad..." I said softer this time. Nothing...I messed up bad...

I had to go...I either went to Dean or left the bunker. I can't leave without apologising. I would feel so bad. I went to Dean. "Dean, I am so sorry for doing that and I get if-" Dean turned around and I was caught off-guard by him hugging me. "Oh, Cas, why were you crying?" Dean looked at me. "I don't know..." I mumbled, looking down. "I didn't mean to make you cry," He said barely above a whisper. "Dean...I should be the one apologising" I whispered into his neck. "I am sorry for making you uncomfortable," I said, pulling away from the hug. "I should probably leave," I said quickly, turning around to leave. "Wait!" Dean grabbed my wrist.

"Dean..." I warned. "Cas, please, listen!" Dean pleaded with me. "What, Dean? What more do you want from me!?" I raised my voice, and tears threatened to fall again. I hid my face with my hands, I didn't want him to see me like this. Dean grabbed my hands and removed them from my face. He frowned. I look of sympathy in his eyes. "Let me go" I was seething with anger as I pulled my wrist away from him. I couldn't look at him, I couldn't talk to him, and I had to leave. "FINE. Leave!" Dean shouted at me. "Fine! I will! It's not like you care, you just want to make fun of me and hate me because I like you!" I shouted back. Tears streamed down my face and I saw Dean hesitate. "I-I never meant to hurt you, sorry, you're so sensitive," Dean said, instant regret filled his eyes when my eyes widened. I scoffed. "Now, I know how you truly felt all this time," I said. "Wait, no-" I heard him yell as I left.

I needed time to myself. I felt bad for hunting Dean, I had tried to apologise though and when I tried to leave he stopped me. He had no fucking right to stop me. I don't swear, but I was so mad. At myself, at Dean, at everything! I sighed and held my head in my hands. It wasn't Dean who messed up it was me, I had to apologise...again...

"I don't know, Sammy! He just got pissed when I tried to stop him from leaving and he yelled at me" I said to my brother on the phone. I heard Sam sigh before speaking "Just give him time, you did break his heart and confessing to him in the state he's in might not be a good idea" Sam was always the smarter one. He was right about how the male is going to react. I felt bad for being angry, but I couldn't help it. He didn't have the right to yell at me. "Okay, Sammy, I will let him have time..." I finally said. "Okay, bye" "Yeah, bye" I grumbled.

I got a call from Sam "Yeah?" I answered. "Cas, didn't you apologise?" Sam asked me. "Yeah, of course, I did," I said, almost offended. "Dean told me you were upset," He said. Of course, Dean did! Can't keep stuff to himself. I forced a laugh. "Don't worry, I will fix this...I will apologise again..." I said genuinely. "Okay, Cas..." Sam sounded unsure. I sighed and hung up.

***

It was getting late and I was staring at the wall. Contemplating going to Dean. I felt bad for upsetting him and Sam made me feel worse. Dean won't be able to sleep if I am not there. I don't want him to not sleep because of me. I have already forgotten about my own feelings and all I cared about was Dean. I forgave him. I decided to go to his room.

When I made it to his room, he was asleep, peacefully. I smiled and walked over to his bed gently sitting on it. I was careful not to wake him. He stirred a bit, but then stopped and looked peaceful again. I raked my fingers through his hair and hummed "Hey Jude" rather than singing now.

Dean's hair was soft and his breathing was steady. Cas missed this before they argued before he sat far away from Dean. He missed that night. The night Cas's life changed. He realised how much he loved Dean and even if they couldn't be together, he could at least be friends with him still. He pet Dean's hair remembering all their memories of all those good times until today, until he fucked it up like he always does. Cas felt guilt-not just about today-he always ends up ruining what's good.

He betrayed Dean and Sam by working with Crowley because his selfish needs wanted to destroy Raphael. His brother. He let the Leviathans out of Purgatory which added more to the brothers' already full plates. He abandoned Dean when they were stuck in Purgatory which made Dean upset. And that was just the tip of the iceberg. He felt stupid for letting down Dean multiple times and yet he still cared for him.

***

Morning came and Cas realised. Should he stay? Cas freaked out and left. He couldn't see Dean in this state. What if Dean was mad? And many more questions went through Cas' head. He was still not ready. Still not ready to face Dean. But was he ever going to be ready?

I woke up surprised I slept the whole night...unless Cas was here? I looked around but didn't spot the familiar tuff of black hair. I frowned. I then found myself fantasising about him.

I pictured his body and how sexy he was. That was when I realised I was growing hard in my pants. Shit. I decided to have a shower and deal with my "problem".

I heard Dean groaning my name in what seemed like pain. I quickly teleported to where he was, and he...is in the bathroom? But now that I was here I realised those weren't groans of pain, but rather moans of pleasure. Why was he moaning my name though? "Dean, are you okay?" I called through the door.

I jumped when I heard Cas' voice "Dean, are you okay?" I must've prayed to him accidentally, I am so stupid. This is awkward. "Uh-y-yeah" I answered back. "Let me just finish," I said with a steadier voice this time. I finished up and got out.

When I got out Cas was still in front of the door. "Heya, Cas..." I said, softly. He looked up from playing with the hem of his sleeves. His blue eyes shined. He looked so innocent. "Hello, Dean..." He muttered. Before I could walk away he mumbled something else. "What was that, Cas?" I asked. "What were you doing in there?" He raised his voice, eyes not leaving the floor. When I didn't answer he looked up to meet my eyes with one of his intense stares. "None of your business" I shrugged. He looked at the ground again and I left for my room to get dressed. After I was done I heard a knock which I could only assume was Cas.

I decided I was ready to apologise and for real this time. I wasn't going to get mad and cause this endless cycle. I promised myself and...Sam. I followed Dean after he was out of sight. I lagged behind and when I made it to his room. I contemplated if I should leave, knock right now, or knock after knowing for sure Dean was dressed. I decided to wait it out for five minutes. Once I was positive he should be dressed I knocked. No going back now.

I was greeted by Dean's bright green eyes. I looked down suddenly feeling nervous. "May I come in" I whispered. Dean agreed by moving out of the way. I walked in "Yeah, what's up, Cas?" He asked. I turned around and hugged him mumbling sorry into his shoulder over and over again. "Woah, Cas" He pulled away. Putting his hand on my cheek. "Look, Dean. I am so sorry for everything. I always mess up and ruin stuff. I know you won't forgive me and-" I was cut off by Dean's lips on mine. He pulled away "You talk too much" I stood there shocked.

"Look, Cas, yes, you have messed up a lot, but we all make mistakes. Heck! I have too and well...one was hiding my feelings for you...I get it if you hate me, but just know I will forever love you" I kissed him again. He kissed back. We pulled away after a few seconds. "I love you too" I whispered into the crook of his neck...

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(A/N:) I apologise for missing FIVE days. On Tuesday when I was going to post this chapter, I had a concert---I was not attending it, I was in it---and I was exhausted after and I couldn't post it during the day because of school. Then my motivation throughout the week left, each night I have been getting less than five hours of sleep. And I could be like Dean and lie and say "I need my four hours" but like I said that would be lying---and Tbh I do say that lmao. I am terribly sorry and I hope to get tomorrow's chapter out after school.

~Ender