My Bad Habit

The Doctrine

Sorry about the inconsistencies y'all, finally left the most toxic relationship ever.

INO POV:

The morning light peering through my window had me sneering when I woke up. It was irritating.

The smell of my usual morning coffee had me gagging internally, because for lack of better terms, it smelled like shit. That was a drag.

The walk to my bathroom made me weak, as if I couldn't walk two steps without feeling faint. That was disheartening.

Ugh!! Gods gift my derrière!! This baby feels like a curse.

I can't keep anything down for more than 30 minutes before excusing myself to empty my stomach. The only thing I can manage to digest is chicken mcnuggies, and I pout at the thought. They are so fucking good right now!!

I wonder if my mom went through the same thing when pregnant with me. Could she even feel the same way? I start to think of the last time I felt so bad, and of my late mother...

Flashback POV~

I feel awful. Like physically sick. The reason is sitting in my book bag folded neatly in one of my oldest books in hopes that I'll never see it again.

A B+. I, Ino Yamanaka, have received my first failing grade.

Now you may be thinking it's not bad, but you don't understand.

You see, I have a track record, and a standard to uphold. My track record is perfection and my standard is not only my own, but it's been developed from my mothers. She reasons that if you wouldn't trust a doctor who didn't make perfect grades, then why would you trust anyone who didn't make perfect grades. Now of course this is more of a family doctrine, I know other families will love their children regardless, or not be focused on perfection. I know that very well, I mean the one who I  like doesn't go to school at all and is constantly ditching to go hang out with delinquents! But, regardless of all of that, I'm different, because my mom wants me to be. I cannot guarantee anything with her without a grade to back it up. I want to do my best for my mom, and so I do. Always. Because I feel the most gratitude, and fear towards her.

If god says to fear no human, then clearly my dad married a ethereal robot. A beautiful woman with long lashes, who loves roses. A ethereal being, with ironclad ideals. A heart of gold, tarnished with the oxygen of being in the medical field.

My ponderings brought me home and I sulk while searching in my skirt pocket for the house key. I fish it out and insert and turn the key, and it was already unlocked. That was unusual as dad was usually at his local government desk, and mom was usually at the hospital. I was used to coming home to an empty house, at least there was no yelling at this time. I open the door cautiously and check the immediate surroundings by the door, finding my mothers shoes there, I instantly relaxing as there was no intruder. I don't have a cell phone and our nearest neighbor is a 3 minute run. I tense again when I realize though.

Mom is home. "Okaerinasai!! Ino, come to the living room dear..."

I remove my shoes and close the door behind me. I say a silent prayer on my way to the living room and face her.

"Tadaima hahaoya," I greet her properly and my eyes go to my hands clenching my skirt due to nerves.

"Ino, don't avert your eyes when facing someone, they'll see you as a coward. In fact, stop grabbing at your pretty skirt I got you, I didn't raise you to be a patient. I raised you to be able to hold proper conversation with proper body language. You know better. Or should I indulge myself and say YOU KNEW BETTER! WHERE IS THE TEST! NOW I KNOW YOU HAVE IT." I literally shake in my boots and fight my tears digging into my bag to find my book, Maya Angelou's 'Letter to my Daughter'.

It really is quite a wonderful read. I flip to the back and offer it to her while bowing on my knees.

She rips it away from me, only rising to pace back and forth above my head. I don't dare to look up and possibly meet a side of my mother I never wanted to. The sounds of the pages being flipped simply raise my anxiety levels and I start to pick at my fingers.

"Do not fidget in my presence, you are not a schiz' and you're only scared cause you got caught up with these god awful results. My dear Ino," she bends to lift my chin up and offers me a hollow smile, pinning me with her eyes, "do you mean to disgrace your mother with this farce? Do you want your mother to die not knowing where you'll end up in life? What if you were to end up as a patient? Strung off of drugs?? Is that really what you want my sweet dummy? Have a sense of responsibility okay?? Cause you are my most coveted achievement... now you WILL study this test until you have it, do you need help studying?"

The concern in the voice didn't match the scornful gaze and the harsh words made me rush my answer. Anything but studying with her, anything.

"No! I'll study tonight! I'll take it again tomorrow mother please don't worry. I'm sorry for making you worry."

"Good Ino. I trust that you won't be needing any sleep tonight, as you need to truly reflect on your actions and revise the obviously wrong answers. Think of it as our summer study sessions! They were the most fun weren't they?" She caresses my face but I remember too well, it wasn't fun, at all.

"Hai. I'll go study now." I snatch my test back in efforts to get out of there and she allows me to run. I run up the stairs and straight to my room. I feel tears welling up because even though this is my safe space I'm not safe. Nowhere is safe from the doctrine. I gag at the thought of my grades, my mother, and that summer.

Mom was always strict, but with me entering middle school she said I needed to be prepared...

I didn't eat, didn't sleep, didn't close my eyes or slouch over in 3 day intervals as I sat at my room desk, with my mother standing over me. She didn't sleep or eat either, but was completely fine. At first I thought it was cool since she said she had to pull such all nighters to become the great doctor she is. Then it got worse as dad was away on ambassador business. The mental and verbal abuse of education alone was enough to reestablish that I had to succeed, let alone the weight I had lost due to the vigorous regimen.

Flashback POV End.

I was too young to know the side effects of long term sleep deprivation and starvation. And her constant lack of sleep due to crazy shifts eventually drove her crazy, and her body systems shut down altogether. She died from overwork and exhaustion. When she passed away she was 110 pounds. The woman who towered over me in the past was frail, ethereal, and scary. I'm still afraid of her even though she's not here.

Not even because of the fear of failure that has stuck with me, but because of the fear of becoming exactly like her, and treating or thinking of my unborn, differently because of my upbringing.

The doctrine.