above all (m×m) ✔

21) clarification

"I'm sure there's a good explanation.." Eli tried to convince Steven, but Steven could see the dubitation in his eyes.

"Yeah, I just.. I don't know." Steven muttered, then groaned and threw his hands up in frustration. His brain knew that he should call Brandon and ask him, yet again, what was wrong. But he wasn't thinking as much as feeling right then. He had built up his hopes and planned how the evening would go, and he had wanted so badly to have Brandon there with him.

Steven knocked down the rest of his drink and went to the kitchen to fill his glass. He poured himself more gin than tonic, needing something to take off the edge of the disappointment. Steven knew Brandon wasn't okay and that even in his better days socializing was challenging for him. They had talked about it, and Steven understood where Brandon was coming. For the past few weeks, it has just felt like..

Like Brandon wasn't 100% into the dating thing like Steven was. Like he didn't have the time or resources to be there for Steven, even if Steven was willing to help him day and night. Maybe, the thought made Steven's body grow cold and brought a lump in his throat, he just doesn't like me all that much. Steven sighed, shaking his head as if to get rid of the thought, and then stomped back to the living room.

"Are you okay?" Eli asked, tentatively. He wasn't smiling anymore as he studied the expression on Steven's face. The phone buzzed again, and they both glanced down at the lit up screen. It took a while before Steven finally picked up the phone and opened the app to read the message.

I'm sorry.

Steven showed the message to Eli, before locking the screen and placing the phone onto the coffee table. He felt strange satisfaction knowing Brandon would see that he had read the message but not answered. Eli's gaze was boring into Steven, and he lifted his head to meet his eyes.

"I need a moment to think about this." Steven explained. He was starting to feel guilty, knowing that Brandon was prone to anxiety and excessive self-blame. Socializing was difficult for him, and he always had a good reason if he canceled at the last minute. Steven just.. needed a moment to gather his thoughts. "I'll finish this one and then I'll call him."

"Good boy." Eli said and a grin flickered on his lips, before he raised his glass for a toast. Steven clinked their glasses together and took a sip from his drink. He had made it so strong it burned in his throat.

As soon as Steven had emptied the glass, he picked up his phone and moved to the balcony to get some privacy. He lit a cigarette, gazing down over the railing, and dialed Brandon's number. Brandon answered after the first ring, and Steven felt a pang of guilt in his chest thinking that Brandon had been staring at his phone and waiting for an answer.  

"Hey.." Brandon breathed, careful like he was expecting Steven to blow up the second he opened his mouth. 

"Hey." Steven answered, his tone equally as soft. He inhaled the cigarette smoke, hearing Brandon letting out a relieved breath at the other end of the line. 

"I'm sorry, I know I should come, but —" Brandon started to explain, the words stumbling together. 

"Hey." Steven cut him short. "It's okay, I'm not angry with you." He realized how true it was the moment he said it out loud. Steven bit his lip, wanting to explain how he was feeling and finding that the alcohol in his system made it easier to get the words from his mouth. "I was just looking forward to spending the evening with you, so I was disappointed, but that's all."

"I know and.. I'm sorry." Brandon muttered. After a short pause, he went on: "You could come over after?"

"I'll be getting shit-faced, so I won't promise I can keep my hands off you if I sleep in your bed." Steven warned, only half-joking. Brandon chuckled and Steven felt a smile tucking up the corners of his mouth.