Life After Near Death

The Long Stare

Notes:

Consider this an omake, bonus chapter, deleted scene, or whatever you want. I wrote the internal monologues on a whim to EternalBlaze5 in response to the question of what Gray and Natsu were thinking about during their long, soulful gaze. I actually really liked it, so I expanded that scene and created this.

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Thoughts zoomed through Gray's mind as he gazed down at the flushed Dragon Slayer.

'My heart is racing.'

It beat so fast, he felt the pounding against his ribcage. He was glad he still had his shirt on. He was sure it was beating so hard, Natsu would have been able to see it.

'I thought I was over this. Dammit!'

The confusion was back: a duality of wanting Natsu and fearing his own desires. Wanting him, of all people! Wanting a man! When had this begun? What even was it? He wasn't gay! He had never been gay! So what did this even mean?

'I want to kiss him. I want to so much.'

Gray's lips softened and relaxed as he imagined it. He focused on those lips, pink and chapped, and Gray wanted to lick them, to moisten those lips and soothe away the dryness.

'He's ... breathtaking! The way he's looking at me...'

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Gray realized that some time had passed. Natsu had not looked away, also trapped in this silent vortex. Trapped together, eternally! Then, something dark surged up. He almost looked away in rage.

'It's so wrong, though. He's a guy, and Natsu has a girl he likes, so he's not gay. Hell, I'm not gay either. I'm just ... confused. That's all.'

Yes, confused. Teens were allowed to experiment, to feel out their boundaries and try new ideas. He was just curious. He wasn't gay, just curious!

'And I can't betray Juvia.'

That was the truth. He would never cheat on her. Even if, by some miracle, Natsu parted those lips and asked for a kiss, Gray would have to tell him no. He would have to! His honor demanded it, there was no way he would cheat on his girlfriend, and so privately he prayed that Natsu would not say anything at all. If Gray had to tell him no, that would shatter his heart like a dropped ice cube.

'I like her, but ... but I...'

It was certainly strange. As much as he enjoyed Juvia's company, as happy as he felt strolling through town with her clinging to his arm, as hilarious as she could be, and as sexy as she acted when they were alone, something bothered him. He could not place his finger on it. He really liked Juvia, but...

'How I feel about Natsu is different than that. It's different, but it's still weird.'

These were not the same feelings as he had for Juvia. It was totally different, and in ways he did not understand. Maybe neither set of emotions were love. One was liking a girl and having fun with her, the other was wanting a man and feeling a desperate need to be with him. Like and Lust! Those weren't what Gray wanted, though. He wanted love!

He knew in that moment, what he felt for Natsu was not the love he was searching for. It was desire. It was infatuation. He knew in his heart, this was not love, and for some reason that depressed him. Did he want it to be love? Was there a way to twist lustful neediness into heartfelt compassion?

He didn't know. He had never felt real love.

'Still, he looks so ... kissable! I wonder what Rei-chan meant about the kisses of a Fire Dragon Slayer. Dammit, I want to know! I want to kiss him, feel how hot that mouth is, but that's a real selfish thing to do. I can't!'