Everyone Knows -Trans Tommy-

Chapter One - Breakfast

Started: May 20, 2023

Finished: May 21, 2023

Trigger warnings: body dysphoria, use of deadname, eating disorder, self deprecation, voices.

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~Tommy pov~

I shot up from my bed. Another nightmare...

I got up and stared in the mirror. I hated what I saw immediately.

All I saw was long curly blonde hair, the disgusting lumps on my higher chest, and the view of too much fat on my already boney body. I hated being born like this. I hated what I saw...so much...Why did I have to be born in the wrong body..?

I didn't even notice the tears starting to stream down my face. Then started the quickened breathing. It was pathetic really. Getting so worked up over just my body...Why couldn't I just be normal..?

"Tori! Come down for breakfast!"

That name was the last thing I needed to hear right now..I felt the tears start to fall faster and tried to stop them quickly.

'It's okay..It's okay calm down...' I thought to myself, hugging my arms around my body and rubbing them, trying to block out and drown the feelings.

I put on an oversized hoodie to hide the big lumps and visible ribs of my chest with big, baggy sweatpants to make my tiny legs disappear from view. I glanced at the mirror one last time and made sure I was fully covered. I couldn't chance anyone noticing and questioning and wanting to help me. I don't want to be a bother to anyone..not even my family. Not a single chance.

I walked down the old creaky stairs and into the kitchen, getting hit with the smell of freshly cooked eggs and pancakes. 'Ew..' I thought, wanting to turn around and cry and break down, but I couldn't..too much attention...I'll just throw it all up later I guess.

"Hey dad..." I said quietly, like I always do.

"Oh hey Tori! How are you this morning?" How could he ask me how I am after using that name..

"I'm fine I guess..how about you?"

"I'm great! Oh and we're all going to the mall today if you want to join?"

"Oh..sure I guess..?" Did I have a choice? Probably not..

"Okay! Go wait at the table for breakfast."

I stepped away and sat down at the long table that so many memories were made.

Dad was always nice to me, but that was only when he did talk to me..Most of the time he was talking, or studying, or reading, or doing absolutely anything with Techno. But not me. He would pay plenty attention to Wilbur as well. He did get diagnosed with anxiety recently, so I shouldn't be targeting him. He deserved the love..the care..the reassurance..the remembering he was still here..that feeling of knowing he was loved..not me..

Suddenly, I was brought back to reality when I heard those loud creaky stairs once again. That sound always made me cringe. I hated it. It always made me scratch at my skin, secretly of course, till it stopped and was quiet again. I tried to block it out but I was interrupted with that horrible reminder of a name.

"Hey Tori." It was Wilbur.

Wilbur was always the "quiet type", and it only made sense after he got diagnosed. Sometimes I wish that I was lucky to get the diagnosis, just like him. I always had major signs of severe anxiety, I guess it was just unnoticeable, kept private. I only have attacks when I'm alone, when no one can see how bad it can get..No one can witness the endless loss of breath and sobs and tears at even a slight glimpse of red crimson blood..or my body..or the nightmares..oh god..those nightmares...I could feel the breath leaving me quickly..

No this can't happen now..!

They think you're weird.

Not in front of them all..

They'll never love you.

Please make it stop..

They hate you.

Stop..

Just be normal.

Stop.

WHY CAN'T YOU BE LIKE THEM?!

Stop..!

JUST BE NORMAL.

STOP IT PLEASE!

SHUT UP!

Then they stopped...

"Tori..?" 

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HELLO WONDERFUL PEOPLE!! You are amazing! If you need to hear it...you are doing so well!! I'm so proud of you :D Keep going!! Make sure to eat, drink, sleep, shower, take your meds if you need them, and do everything that makes you happy (and is healthy!). Thank you all for reading and I hope you have an amazing day/night!

BooSnopil signing off!

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