THE MASKED GIRL

33

I couldn't move even an inch, I was in uttermost denial, I was in an inner battle fighting against believing what just happened. He cannot be gone, no. I refuse to accept it. It wasn't until the driver opened the trunk that I moved from my position. He had already called the doctors and they got Suhail on the stretcher and I rushed alongside them into the hospital. They have to save him, he will get up.

I crouched down at a corner in the hospital's lobby. I couldn't even cry because my tear ducts had been wrung dry. I clutched at my head as I tried to not scream. Prayers were the only thing I could muster, his survival was my only prayer.

Our savior, the driver who was still around helped me up and tugged on my shirt as he got me to where the hospital's telephone was on the receptionist desk and I quickly called my father.

"Hafsat?" He hastily called out. I thought my tears were dried up but my eyes began to well up and tears began to flow when I heard his voice. I just told him the name of the hospital and hung up. I went back to my earlier position as I continued crying.

One of the nurses came to get me to treat my face but I refused and shrugged her away, opting to hug myself and shield myself from the outside world. It couldn't have been real, it just seemed that he died but there had to be some kind of explanation for what was happening.

My parents arrived in a few minutes and I got into my mother's embrace, I cried on her. Daddy spoke with the driver as he told him what happened and the condition Suhail was in. I couldn't utter a word but shed tears. They did not ask me questions about what happened or who kidnapped me, we just stayed in each other's arms. I was surprised when Maryam ran into the hospital and enveloped me in a hug. She flew back when she heard about my missing. I only allowed my face to get treated when Daddy asked.

I don't know how many dreadful hours passed until the doctors came out of the theatre room. I could hear my heart beating in my ears as Daddy speaks to them.

I could tell from how Daddy's face sadden after the doctor leave that he was gone. They don't need to tell me, Abdallah has killed him. They couldn't save him. Suhail is dead. I lost it, I screamed the loudest I have ever had and darkness consumed me.

I was out for three days, by the time I woke up Suhail was already six feet under. He was just twenty one for heaven's sake. I couldn't take people's sympathy, I couldn't answer the questions my family were asking, and I couldn't take Suhail's death so I locked myself in my room shutting everyone out. I couldn't believe it.

My heart was hollow, Suhail had been taken away from me. Is this how love is? I know love is meant to hurt. It's meant to burn, it's meant to torment and frighten. But it is meant to comfort, pleasure and always be there. Then why is mine gone?! So soon? When we just started? What hurts me the most is that his time was cut short, our time together was shortened by a bunch of people.

Over the next few days, it finally sank in that it happened, I became completely oblivious to the things that were going on around me. My brain shut down I felt numb, and I felt like a shell. All my feelings- the pain, sadness, hurt, anger, hatred, guilt, and confusion were all locked away. My life was out of my control, I was raped by four men and my boyfriend was killed and died right in front of my eyes. How will I ever be okay?! All I really want is to die. I starved myself, I ate expired food. It even went to a situation where I tried to kill myself but then I could not and it hurts that I cannot commit suicide.

It hurts that I was still living and Suhail was dead. I didn't get to see him before he was buried. I didn't get to say goodbye. I didn't get to be his halal. I didn't get to marry him. I didn't get to have him as my husband, the father of my kids. I didn't even get to call him Charming. It hurts a lot. All these thoughts kill me. I spent my days killing memories, killing pain, and turning my heart into stone. Living tortured me, all we could have been haunts me. I was in pain.

Then I started to have the dreams- horrible frightening nightmares, vivid replays of the trauma. It was all I could hear, all I could feel and see. Their hands on me, their skin, their breath on me, muscles stretching, their strong arms, my bones cracking, me getting weak, my body breaking, fading. These things consume me. I couldn't handle it, I felt like I would explode. I couldn't run away from my problems because I couldn't escape myself.

My parents were shocked and confused and I refused to talk to anyone. I couldn't talk about how he got killed because I have to talk about the rape, if I talk about it I would feel it and it would be real. I wanted to pretend like it didn't happen which is hard to do because the reality is in my face, Suhail is gone. It was hard to deal with all the emotions that were overtaking me, thinking about the years ahead of me made me panic.

I ultimately opened up after a month. There was so much I had bottled up inside me, once I opened up, it all started spilling out at once. They stuck around, it was all so overwhelming. They expected me to get over it and continue but I had no motivation to do anything. I would just continue to stay quietly in one place until it is my time to leave the world and join him. Maryam had to go back for her studies but never ceased to care which I always shut her out.

I eventually started talking to pictures. I talked to myself. I started seeing things. I lost it completely. I lost myself. My parents took me to the hospital where I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and major depressive syndromes and I was admitted to therapy.