THE MASKED GIRL

41

Hafsat

Leaving was quite harder than I thought, I do not think I can stay there for the whole six years without coming back anymore. I know I have to be optimistic but what if this is the last time I would be with my family again? What if something happens while I'm away? What would I do?

Daddy took me to the airport after our goodbyes with my mother, I can't tell how much I will miss them. He also had to leave when he was called for urgent work before my flight departed. I was once again left alone with my thoughts. I have no idea how my life will turn out once I am done with my studies, just the thought of it scares me.

I reinstalled the social media apps on my phone to kill time, Maryam had been urging me to since I left the army. She wants me to log back in on my old accounts but I am not, I will only delete the accounts and sign up a new one. The masked girl was my user id on all the platforms, I hope my life gets back to the way it was. The death of Abdallah and his friends is still going on and was the first thing that I saw on my Instagram feed after I signed up for a new account. I checked almost all the bloggers' page that has news on the case, a video of his father begging the police to find the culprit is the one that is trending the most. He promised a large amount to whoever finds the culprit and he swore to make sure that the person is punished, something he will never accomplish. At least he knows what it feels like to have his son killed brutally and the person behind it go scot-free. His son committed two wrongful actions and he used his position to cover up for him, not worrying about what the hereafter has in store for them.

I was so lost in my thoughts and didn't notice when someone sat next to me, too close for my liking. I shifted further without looking at the person, I knew it was a guy from his shoes and he moved closer after I moved. I moved again and he did the same. He had just given me a reason to take my anger out on him.

I angrily faced him to give him a piece of my heart but I swallowed my words upon seeing who he was. "What the h-

What is he doing here?

"Took you long enough," He told me as he shifted back a little and smiled at me.

I don't know how he makes flowers bloom in me every time. In my stomach, in my heart, in my mind and it gets worse each time I try to deny it. I am always denying it.

I masked my surprised face with a displeased look and asked what he was doing here. He is always ruining my plans and makes it very hard for me to continue. I cannot forget how my heart felt heavy when he asked me where I went to back in the army, It was hard telling him to leave and staying away from him. He surprisingly has a big effect on me, one I try to shun.

It broke my heart when he followed me and saw what I did, I felt mad. How could he? What would he think? Why did he follow me? I was frustrated. I did not want any more complications and I was not ready to tell him about me, I didn't want to know what he would think about me. I was surprised by his behavior after he knew about me, he treated me with more respect like I was a jewel. I managed to shut my feelings off back then thinking I would grow out of it when I left the barrack and it was successful while it lasted.

"Were you really thinking that I would let you go?"

Yes, but I kept mute instead of responding. I was hoping that he would let me go like Sadeeq did. I try to find the right words and the right way to explain to him that there are heavier thoughts and bigger issues to deal with.

"I fell for you before knowing how rare you- He speak again and I tried to stop him, I cannot let him complicate things for me again. "I fell for you without knowing your name, what you look like, or who you really are"

He continued talking, his words stinging my heart instead of soothing. "Stop," I told him this time shutting him up. "Please just stop"

"I don't want to hear what or how particularly you fell for me or when. Can't you just agree that we cannot work?" I stood up because I couldn't stand sitting very close to him, he has to see why we can never be. He also stands up as he answers my question. "How can I agree when you don't even let us try? Last time you said it's because I don't know you and I agreed and gave you space, Tell me why we can't work anymore?"

"I am ready to accept your reason even if I have to force myself, I will once your reason is deep and beyond my grasp but you cannot tell me it's because of Suhail" He continued.

He cannot tell me what to do. "Don't bring Suhail into this" I tell him and face him.

"I must" He started. "You cannot stop yourself from moving on because of him, he told you himself not to do so. What is not meant for you will never be yours maybe that is why Allah took him away from you"

I know. I know all that and I know why I don't want to move on. I try to tell myself that it's because I don't see myself with anyone after him but that is not solely why. Deep down is because I am scared. I am a rape victim, four men had ruined me. I'm not open for a relationship that won't lead to marriage and the thought of marrying scares me. It is because I am scared.

"The fact that you claimed I can't have you makes me want you more-

I stopped him again, shutting him out is going to be harder than I thought.

Talking to Sadeeq out of it was easy but why don't he just let me be? I am already finding it a little difficult to forget about him, forgetting how responsible he is, to forget how happy and free he makes me feel, and how he respects and care for me.

I think what I have forgotten is how persistent he is, how he doesn't take no for an answer and always goes after what he wants but I am not ready to give in to his request no matter how much my heart wants to, my brain has the upper hand.

"You will grow out of your fancying towards me Aliyu, for now, Please let me be"

"Don't you get it?" He threw his hands up in exasperation. "Don't you get that I am in love with you and I can't let you go. I'll wait for you even if it means waiting for years if I have to but there is no way in hell that I am letting you go"

The flight departing announcement started serving as my cue to escape yet again. I cannot run forever but for now, I will.

"Goodbye Aliyu"

I dragged my suitcase with me and walked away from him. I know real life isn't a fantasy where I can do what I please and expect no one not to get hurt but this is beyond me, I don't think I would lead a normal life anymore.