THE MASKED GIRL

38

Marriage. He wants to marry me.

"I know it's too much to ask and you don't have to answer me right now- I stopped him from speaking to allow me to properly digest the bombshell he had dropped.

He has always been that someone in my life that means a lot to me. Someone who understands even my silence. The only light that I saw when I was in a pool of darkness. Someone I am always comfortable with. Someone that my life wouldn't have reached this point without.

He is that someone that I always crawl to with my problems and he makes me forget them all. That someone I will always appreciate cause he was always there. He listened to me like no one else. He is the kind of person I can be with but I can't be with. He is that forbidden fruit in my life. I might like him but I can't have him.

Why? Because I don't think I can love anyone that is not Suhail. My heart belongs to him alone and I can't ruin the happiness of the person I love. Saying yes to him will only hurt him, I will end up breaking him cause there is no way he will do something or vice versa and I will not wish it was Suhail and not him. I will always wish for Suhail. I can't hurt him.

"We cannot happen Sadeeq. We can never happen. Suhail will always be there"

I know who Sadeeq is and his jealous side. Even if he tells me he wouldn't mind I know he would because I know his character and who he is.

He is a person who was raised in a home with no mother but four stepmothers, he grew up in a home full of competition on who appeased his father the most. He becomes a very jealous person because their father doesn't hide his love for the favorite child in the family. He is the type of person that is always jealous about what he loves even if he doesn't say it because he was raised that way.

I can't hurt him more, he needs a girl that will love him and only him with no dead ex-soulmate. Someone who is meant just for him. I'm not that girl even though I want to I can never be that girl.

He held my hands in his. "I will never mind Hafsat. I know who Suhail is to you please let me show you how much I love you"

I believed him but I could not.

"Let's not start what we both know won't be possible I can never give you the love you need"

What I like the most about him is his respect, he always respects my choices because he knows I have my reasons.

We both know that a part of me will forever love Suhail and that he cannot help not getting jealous forever even though it's over a dead person. We always understand each other we don't need to be in love to continue being together. He will always be there for me and I will always be there for him. He will always be my best friend cause no one gets me like he does not even my female best friend.

My prayer is for him to get a girl that will give him the love he deserves, the love he has lacked since he was a child.

"Hafsat?"

The last person I expect to meet or hear from especially when I'm in this situation. He walked towards us when he was sure it was me.

"I told you it was her" He shouted at someone behind him. "You said that whenever you see a lady in a mask," Yusuf told him as he also jogged towards us.

Why do we have to meet again here?

I got up from the bench after they had approached us and introduced them to each other.

"Yusuf. Aliyu. This is Sadeeq"

"Sadeeq. My friends from the army"

They shook hands one after another.

"You do not discard the people you called friends, I am very mad at you" Yusuf speaks after they had exchanged pleasantries. "It's been three months since we passed out and you disappeared in thin air without any explanation"

I am not a good friend, I am well aware of that. I know Aliyu already knows that I am not going to join them but Yusuf doesn't but even so I am supposed to at least keep in contact with them, afterall they were always there for me back then.

"I will accept whatever punishment you will bestow upon me yalla'bai" I remember him saying he would not answer his name again once he became a soldier, everyone had to call him yalla'bai which means sir in hausa. My apology was quickly accepted because I called his new name and we joked around like we always do.

Aliyu and Sadeeq were in a staring contest with each other, the tension between them could be felt from a distance. I don't really know what to do about the two. Yusuf and I get away leaving the two and finding another place to sit. I told him about my leaving tomorrow and not being a soldier anymore. We also caught up on how we had been, he told me that Aliyu always looked for me in every masked girl he saw around.

Aliyu joined us and our conversation when they were done with whatever they had going on. Sadeeq stayed on the other side watching us converse, it got to me also telling Aliyu I would be leaving when he asked what I was doing out here with Sadeeq. His face saddens a little but he pretended to not mind and kept the conversation going. They were out on a stroll when Aliyu spotted me and decided to confirm.

I thought I was okay without them in my life but meeting them again proved otherwise, I actually missed them. They are my one of those forever kind of friends, where anything can happen and nothing will ever change. They just always are and will forever be. I ghosted and ignored them but here we are as if nothing had happened.

My life doesn't seem that bad each time I look at the bright side of it. I realize how lucky and blessed I am but the moment my worst side knocks in, I feel terrible. I carry the weight of two deep pain in my heart, I cannot remember losing Suhail without thinking of being raped. It is a pressure that kills me every day. I hope I get over it completely once I get away from here, I am tired of running away from myself.