THE MASKED GIRL

34

I withheld going to the therapy because it has no effect on me, I don't see the benefit of going there. I told myself therapy wasn't my solution.

I would just sit and stare throughout my four-hour session when I gradually started going for my therapy. My therapist would also do the same and sit with me. He never questioned or asked me to speak. He would sometimes talk and tell me about his life. He told me who he was. I knew everything about his life in the span of six months when he didn't even know what my voice sounded like talk less of my seeing my face.

Most of the time we sit at his office but other times walk around the area or sit outside. He slowly started to crack my shell and I started telling him about Suhail, only Suhail.

Sometimes we would both not talk for the entire session, sometimes I would be the one speaking and him listening, sometimes it would be the other way round and sometimes we would both talk.

Sadeeq took a huge part of my life because he was the light I saw when I was stuck in a tunnel of darkness. I begin to look forward to our session every day. I began to keep up a conversation with my family. I began to smile and live again. I watched myself smile, laugh, and have fun but each time I looked into the mirror the person that was staring back at me wasn't me.

Grieving for my loss is like an ocean and my emotions were the waves. Sometimes the waves are mild and other times a storm in the sea and there is nothing I do but swim through it all because I have to. Allah knows why he took him away from me and I have accepted it. The only thing I could do was pray for his soul to rest in peace.

It took fifteen months before I came to terms with myself and told Sadeeq all that happened. I was a little afraid of how he would react but he made it easy. He helped me find myself again.

Though the physical pain and rainbow bruises eventually fade, the impact of my rape never did. Some scars were more than skin deep, more horrible than the scar on my chin. The shadow of hands groping over my body would forever be imprinted beneath my skin. I thought the images would never go away- they would never stop playing in my head or stop haunting me. I was not over it but I have managed to learn how to live with it.

My heart was already too shattered to possibly be fixed but seeing them get prosecuted will surely make me feel better so we filed a lawsuit against them. Soon after my father made a report, a court date was fixed. But before then I had been going to the police station for questioning. Fatima had already left the country when her presence was sought and Abdallah had told a different story. We soon started going to the court. I was asked to describe all that happened every time which had always been hard for me and Abdallah and his friends have the guts to laugh at me. My rape wasn't the only reason why we made a report, the report was solely for them to get punished for killing Suhail. The case was going on our side until the judge knew of Abdallah's full name, everything after that changed.

"This case will not continue" The judge declared hitting the table with his hammer.

"Give us sometime my lord, we will provide you with the evi-- "Enough" The judge cut off the plaintiff's lawyer. "We have been on this case for months and your only evidences are medical reports and the claimed victim which the accused has never seen before talkless of doing what he is accused of"

"My lord if only you would agree to follow us to the place that the victim told us about" The plaintiff's lawyer depends again.

"Objection my lord" The defendant's lawyer intervened. "The accused has never laid an eye on the victim which shows no relationship between them and I see no reason for you to agree to their made-up story"

The judge nodded "I apologize to the accused for all the damages caused through the investigation and hereby officially close this case due to lack of evidence"

They said there wasn't enough evidence to prosecute them and the case was dropped, just like that.

I thumped on the witness box before I got out of it, the sly smirk on Abdallah's face annoying me. I cannot believe they let them get away with it. I couldn't stand it, they cannot get away like they didn't kill a soul, my soulmate.

I get to where their car was packed and give them a piece of my mind which they made fun of. Abdallah boasted about killing him and getting away with it. His friends sing praises to him as if they had gotten rid of a nuisance. Can I hit them? No. I am way too weak and I cannot create any form of violence at the court so I let them be. Not before promising to hunt them down one by one and get my revenge, not now not tomorrow, or next but I swore to get back at them even if it takes years.

I couldn't stand watching them go around living their best lives and not being able to do anything about it. I felt like I had hit rock bottom and I found myself succumbing to darkness again. I lost months of my life to fear, to hiding and surviving. My head become too clouded to even think for a second that the sun will shine again.

My mind was a pile of soggy spaghetti, an incoherent mess that insisted on undoing itself and scrambling the fragments into something so broken it couldn't be put back together. My talk with Maryam was always like that of two strangers who just met. My parents become the only people I talk to yet again. I get back to the way I was. The pain became raw again like I just lost him.

I want to get revenge but I don't know how. I want to kill them in the same exact way they took his life but I don't know how to do it without getting a sin, which makes me wonder how to get my vengeance. Sadeeq brought the idea of joining the army to learn the skills and also prosecute them. He knew of a barrack where his uncle was the general and made all the proceedings for me to get in. Mommy was frankly against the idea but eventually agreed hoping that would get me back to who I was which I really doubted. I know things will get better and eventually I will be able to live again but right now it's hard, very hard.

I and Sadeeq planned my whole revenge, he was this big brother I never had. He helped me in getting them drugged to weaken them before I got to them. I feel free and my mind is at ease knowing I have prosecuted them all, they did not get away with it. But it is still unbelievable. How can he be gone?

It has been two years now and I know he is in a better place. He may be gone but like he said I have his memories with me. He is forever in my heart and my prayers.

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END OF RECAP

......this is who I am Aliyu, I hope I have answered all your questions and cleared your doubts"

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