expect something.
lose everything.
•
"if you never expect anything, you'll never be disappointed.
it's a hard pill to swallow, but that mindset keeps me alive. I don't envy those in love. When you love someone you make them the God of your idolat...
kie, sarah and i had all finished getting ready and dressed. i wore a basic white summer dress with some open toe heels. (dress below!)
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my hair was half up, half down fastened by a pink flower claw clip.
john b drove us over to the club in my jeep and we all climbed out and headed inside. the club was packed full of boys with ralph lauren polo's and slacks.
"we're in the sharks den now ladies" kie mumbles before grabbing a glass of champagne off of a waiter and downing it. "i miss beer"
about half an hour in sarah, kie and i establish ourselves a table and are chatting to some tourons who come here every summer. This one guy called jack keeps trying to make conversation, i entertain it.
"so you go to school round here?" he smiles at me. i smile back, trying to be friendly, "yeah. Kildare County High School," i'm being blunt. i don't mean to, but when rafe cameron had you in a shaking orgasm last night and left without a word a few hours later - your bound to be a little preoccupied.
"so you going to college?" jack continues.
i think about my answer for a second. "er yeah probably- i'm really sorry can i just be excused for a second to go to the ladies room?" i give him a big smile before getting up and walking to the bathroom.
As in walking to the bathroom a boy with curtain bangs wearing an open collar white shirt walks past me and i realise it's rafe. "hey!" i quiet shout at him. he doesn't answer. "rafe!"
he turns around and his eyes go wide in almost panic. rafe looks around for a second before speeding up to me. "mailani" he looks at pleadingly.
"what the fuck was that disappearing trick this morning?" i look up to him.
he rolls his eyes and looks away for a second as if he's calculating what to say. i raise my eyebrows waiting for a response.
"why does it matter? hm?" he waits for my response.
i actually cannot believe what he's saying right now, "you up and leave, no note or text. nothing. after what happened too-"
"welcome to the adult world mailani, that shit happens. stop acting like it's a big deal," his words shattered my heart. they may not have meant much to him but they did for me.
"some people don't let anyone and everyone do that sorta shit to them that you did to me" i look up at him sternly, hinting at our sexual encounter, "and i did you a fucking favour."
"oh get over yourself mailani"
"fuck you rafe"
he begins to walk backwards away shaking his head, "your a bitch" he spits out before turning around and walking up to some random college boys.
every single time i think he's different to what the pogues make him out to be, he goes and proves them right.
i continue to go to the bathroom and return to jack. arriving back he gives me a sorta nervous look before smiling. we talk a little more but the conversations off. he leaves to get another drink and doesn't come back so i'm say by myself.
walking out to sit on the swing set outside, i watch another person follow me out. turning next to me on the swing set i see topper.
"how was that girl you were with last night" i ask, still looking forward ahead.
"what girl?" he turns to me.
"the girl you took home?" i ask him dumbfoundedly.
"i didn't take a girl home lani. i was drunk but not blackout drunk. i remember the whole night and that i did not do" he half laughs at me. i just nod my head pretending like i knew what he was talking about. "mailani can i ask you a question" i nod back at him. "why did sarah pick john b?" topper randomly blurts out.
"sometimes people find comfort with the person opposite to them. it's not necessarily like it was a decision she made, her heart followed the path it knew it had to go down" i shrug at him.
topper turns to me, "what about you lani?"
"what about me?"
"where's your heart telling you to go?"
"somewhere my head is telling me to stay away from" my lips form a straight line and the mods instantly decreases.
"is it rafe?" topper asks bluntly.
i was too stunned to speak so i didn't really process the question "i.. i don't know" i answer honestly.
"let's just say kelces parents didn't find out about the party and i didn't bring a girl home so we both had free houses" topper mumbles while walking away.
my heart starts to race faster and faster until i find myself waking back into the country club and finding rafe in the middle of a conversation with some of his 'bros'.
"i need to talk to you. now" i assert to him. instead of saying anything back he just laughs, rolls his eyes and continued his conversation. "rafe i'm being serious" he looks slightly over at me and clocks the how my face and body had moved into a serious tone.
he mumbles okay and we walk somewhere secluded and out the way.
"why did you leave this morning?" i ask him point blanc.
"i knew the pogues couldn't see me there so i decided to leave early-" he begins.
"can you not tell the truth for one goddamn moment in your life rafe?!" i laugh out in disbelief, "and why did you walk away before i could give you something?"
"you wanna know the fucking truth mailani? i knew i fucked up doing that to you. your sarah's best friend and your just: you. i couldn't let you do that to me. all of last night was a mistake and i wish it never fucking happened; no matter how drunk i was, or have been; that's been the biggest regret" he spits out at me sternly. i can feel tears well up in my eyes as he breathes heavily.
"what so i'm nothing more than sarah's bestfriend!?" i chew at my lip and look to the side away from him, trying to blink away the tears. "not even friends or something? hm?"
"look mailani i didn't mean to make you upset"
"and what's so wrong with me? what do you mean by im just me?"
"you just- i don't know?! you!"
my eyes still can't meet his, i don't know what to say, "i see" i mutter out.
"i didn't mean to hurt your feelings-"
"no, no it's fine. your all good, you can go" i shake my head.
