Amaryllis | REVIEW SHOP [ CLOSED ]

《Yasmin》Cupid's Magic

Cupid's Magic by Seong_Grace
Reviewer: Owls1221

Title: 7/10
The title is good and simple. It gives the reader the idea of the cupid trope.

Cover: 7/10
With this skill of manipulation and designing, it's actually good to be honest. It might attract those who are into BTS fanfiction. But to me, it's still a simple cover.

Summary: 6/10
The summary is interesting and short. The reason is because it gives the idea that something will go wrong with this cupid, which does grip the reader (those who are into BTS I mean). But it needs a little fixing with the writing style and grammar for the summary to be clear and more engaging.

Grammar: 4/10
I noticed that throughout the book there are a lot of errors, such as run-on sentences, strange syntax, incorrect use of tenses and use of singular and plural words. I do understand (from your writing) that English is your second language (me too) so I'm going to briefly note those mistakes and teach you why they are incorrect:
Run-on sentences are, as the name implies, sentences that keep going on and on and on. This is an unlikable because it's taking the readers breath away and it also bores them with a lot of information you put in the story. Instead, aim at writing short independent sentences. Like this:

X incorrect X
Max went to the store to buy the new hat that he really likes and then he wore it and looked at the mirror, it was too big on him and he frowned and became sad, he returned the hat to the shelf and walked out of the store to go back home, and he... 

O correct O
Max went to the store to buy the new hat that he really likes. He wore the hat, but it was too big on him, he frowned. He returned the hat to the shelf and walked out of the store to go back home. He... 
A run-on sentence will still be a run-on even if you added the comma. The only time you add a comma is when the sentences you write are dependent. Dependent meaning a sentence that lacks certain information. Like "but it was big on him", what is "big" on him? The hat. That's where you add the comma to give further info. An independent sentence is where it has all the info without needing a comma. Like this "Max went to the store to buy the new hat that he really likes."
The syntax, meaning the position of words in a sentence, was strange and confusing. Like in chapter 1 where the MC gets in the car "as" she starts the engine. Or "to perfectly imperfect". Syntax matters here because it helps convey what you're trying to say, if done in the wrong way then readers might misunderstand your story. Instead what you could say is this "she got in the car and started the engine" which makes sense (and because there is no such thing like starting the engine WHILE getting into the car because obviously no one can do that... Unless you have one of those car keys that DOES start your engine as you walk to your car.)

Finally, some words were spelt in the wrong way due to tenses and amounts. Like "couples has" should be "couples have" because the word "couples"is plural and not singular. For tenses, "droves" is not a real past verb for "drive", you've got only "drive, drives, drove, driven". So basically, pay close attention to the words you use so you can apply the correct verbs to them.

Vocabulary: 5/10
To be honest, some of the words you used were not bad, they were good. however , there was slight repetition and there were abbreviated words. For repetition, try to use synonyms. An for abbreviation, I don't think you should do that if you want to have a smooth and steady writing style. Plus, some readers might be confused by the abbreviated words and not understand what they represent or mean. Like "2 mnts" should be "two minutes". Also, for numbers, any number that is below ten should be written in word form. If it's above ten, you can write the actual number. 

Spelling: 7/10
There were no mistakes, just the words that were written in the wrong tense like "droves". 

Hook: 3/10
Because of the syntax and the strange wording, I was more confused rather than hooked. And I know you said there were fantasy elements but all I saw were BTS characters and moments, which to be honest I'm not into this fandom (but I still respect you tho). Basically, not my cup of tea. 

Character Development: 3/10
The character tries to be strong figuratively but I just can't help but feel that she's flat due to telling and not showing her body language and through her direct dialogue. To portray a strong character, you could try showing it more through her interactions and not just her dialogue and us being told. This way she feels like a real person with emotions and goals. 

Plot Development: 5/10
The plot is progressing quickly but it felt like it was not stopping due to, again, run-on sentences. 

Personal Enjoyment: 2/10
Again, I couldn't enjoy the book because of the wording actually, and logic. More will be explained later.

Punctuation: 3/10

Run-on sentences, lacking commas.
Pacing: 4/10

Again, it felt quick but not in a smooth way.

Writing: 4/10
Now here is thing that prevented me from enjoying the book. The writing is actually good because if the vocabulary you used, but it was the style you wrote in that confused me. You see, there was a lot of telling as I mentioned but there were times when it didn't make sense to me. Like the time you wrote about the MC seeing a "crowd" of men and saying things like "boxy grin", "boxing grinning man", "he was a heavenly handsome man". There were weirder words that just... confused me more. And it was also because of the syntax.
Basically, the story is good because if the vocabulary. But it needs fixing with the style and grammar in the book. This story might attract fans of BTS to enjoy it. As for me, unfortunately, I didn't like it. But still, I hope you learned basic writing tips so you can sharpen your writing 🙂 keep in mind that you still have good things in the book.