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《Yasmin》Life Within The Halls

Reviewed by Owls1221

Client: reindolfwrites

Title: 8/10

The title is fine and simple. It didn't attract me much but it did give me simple questions like, what's it like living in these halls? What happened or what is going to happen?

Cover: 8.5/10

The cover is great and I like that you broke the black and white hue with a bit of colour. It's just that I recommend you brighten the colours of the title a bit more so it can be easy to read. And the sub-title should be a bit bigger too. That's all.

Summary: 9/10

The summary is astonishing and it has great vocabulary. Personally, I like mystery stories that take place in schools in which students have to find out what is going on, whether they're investigating a crime or ghost hunting, I'm in for this kind of trope.

Although I have a question for one thing. In the first blurb you wrote that something awful happened to Pearl and that she's returning from the grave because of the incident. But in the second blurb you wrote that Pearl is going to find that truth and that it'll involve ghost hauntings.

I'm just confused about the premise here. From my understanding, I'm either going to read about Pearl's past and then about another character who finds that truth, or that I'm going to read about Pearl and what happened to her and how she plans to get out/expose the school for something etc. and not focus on other characters.

That's what confused me. You see, the first blurb implies to the reader that Pearl must have died (literally, obviously) and is probably going to haunt the school but the other paragraph somewhat contradicts it? If you know what I mean? I don't know I might be dumb but I'm just pointing it out just in case.

Grammar: 10/10

The grammar throughout the book was clear and appropriate. I understood what was happening and the sentences were cohesive and coherent. Just one teeny tiny thing, in the prologue, the last paragraph which describes the school, I think you forgot to fix 'It' to 'Its' to address the school possessing these adjectives/nouns.

Vocabulary: 10/10

Truly amazing and balanced with the use of synonyms.

Spelling: 10/10

No spelling errors, just see the grammar section.

Hook: 10/10

The mysteries and questionable scenes and characters have truly hooked me, not only that, but some of the scenes in the first chapter had literally made my eyes widen and my jaw to drop and say 'WHAT?!'. More things will be explained in the following sections.

Character Development: 10/10

The characters were well introduced without telling a lot nor giving too much details. Their actions alone have already told about their personality and characteristics. Pretty well done!

Plot Development: 10/10

The plot seems to be moving at a good speed and we're introduced to new and relevant scenes in the next chapters.

Personal Enjoyment: 10/10

The word choices and the writing style kept me not only engaged but also immersed in the world. They struck my perception with the situations present and made normal everyday life seem extreme and exciting. Like the first chapter where taking exams was treated like it's a battlefield and how the tutor was portrayed as a sentry rather than a regular teacher. It was so relatable to be honest (I'm a student myself XD) and you captured that so well! Also, in terms of plot, there were cliffhangers and scenes that, again, gave me shock and kept me turning pages for more. I swear I want to read this in my spare time and see what happens next.

Punctuation: 10/10

No errors

Pacing: 10/10

Again the pace was steady and at a good speed. Not too rushed and not too slow.

Writing: 9.5/10

Because this is teen fiction that takes place in school and in a modern time, it's understandable that there's mostly telling. In this book it feels like there is someone who is overseeing the events and telling us what is happening. Actually, for this book I don't mind reading a telling as the style has balanced showing and telling pretty well.

Okay, you might think that your book is completely fine based on the scores I've given (which is true). However, let's acknowledge the fact that no matter how good a book is, there is always some error somewhere in the book, at least one. Now I'm not saying your book is bad just because of one error, I'm just pointing this out so you can improve on it. And here's the thing:

I noticed that while reading the book, sometimes the narrative was shifting between some of the characters in the same chapter without even a time skip. Here's an example: in chapter 1 you introduced Gideon as the first character. I was focused on him because you wrote about him and what he's going through. However, as the chapter was progressing, Gideon was slowly forgotten about when you started focusing on other characters.

Basically, it was like one long paragraph was focusing on Sandra in her room, and then in the next short paragraph we're seeing Reggie in his room. This was done without even a symbol that tells the reader there is a change of time and place or to indicate that we've moved to another but completely different scene.

I understand that you can use the narrative and cohesive devices to address if time had passed and so on, but if you want to focus on certain characters and how their day is going, you must add a time skip or symbol so we can know if we're focusing on Sandra or Reggie or Gideon etc.

You did that already but only once. I suggest you keep doing this when moving on to the next character. Like this (example from one of my books):

X incorrect X:

Salvador stood next to Red and lifted his palms upwards as if he pulled something out of the ground. Apparently, that's where a thin silver disk came into existence beneath the two men's feet, and it quickly swallowed them whole.

Disappearing in the process.

Leaving the injured brothers alone in the room.

Kyvan was pacing back and forth, moving and dragging the heavy furniture to conceal the glass windows. The spread of the word was fast in every circumstance; it was also common for the men to receive warnings or hear them with a certain national phrase being shouted in the streets. With that, the men immediately prepare for what is about to come even if it was a minor threat.

O correct O:

Salvador stood next to Red and lifted his palms upwards as if he pulled something out of the ground. Apparently, that's where a thin silver disk came into existence beneath the men's feet, and it quickly swallowed them whole.

Disappearing in the process.

Leaving the injured brothers alone in the room.

~~~ (the symbols, you can put anything: ***, — — —, ~~~)

Kyvan was pacing back and forth, moving and dragging the heavy furniture to conceal the glass windows. The spread of the word was fast in every circumstance; it was also common for the men to receive warnings or hear them with a certain national phrase being shouted in the streets. With that, the men immediately prepare for what is about to come even if it was a minor threat.

As you can see, without a symbol that tells of a timeskip, you're going to confuse the readers plot wise rather than your usage of grammar or language. It'll cause them to question things like "but wait the brothers are in a hospital why is kyvan moving the furniture?" (you'll understand this if you've read the book I'm using :/)

Basically, by putting a symbol (as seen in the correct section), you've clearly taken the readers to a different location with a different character in a different time. This way, it didn't feel like Kyvan was randomly moving the furniture without the doctors' consent XD.

So overall, the book is so good and everything in it is fantastic! I might actually read it in my spare time. I highly recommend it for those who are into Crime and Thriller :)