Amaryllis | REVIEW SHOP [ CLOSED ]

《Sara》Rajkahini

Rajkahini by SubhankiIndia
Reviewer by Moon_G0ddess

#Cover:
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The cover, I'm sorry to say, is not impressive at all. From the cover and the title, I could easily tell it's the story of an Indian princess. But when I think Indian, and I'm very familiar with the culture, I think colorful, dazzling, glowing. This cover, however, is very dull. It's not what I would expect at all. I would've given you suggestions, but I think this one needs an artist, someone who would be able to capture the beauty of an Indian princess bride or wedding in a dazzling but not ostentatious way. I wouldn't usually recommend dazzling. I would always say to keep it simple. But in this case, no. I would like to see something bright and fulgurant. But not so much so it would be considered vulgar. Find the balance in between.
#Title:
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As I said before, I'm familiar with the Indian culture, and I think the word Rajkumari means princess and the word kahani (don't know if I spilled it right) means story? So if I put it together, I think the title means A Princess' Story, is that right? Well, anyway, I think it's beautiful and sweet and very lovely. You've done well with the title, and I love that you choose to keep it in your language. It gets the curiosity of your readers. But I think it needs a subtitle. You see, some of your readers might not understand the title, and since wattpad only suggests the cover and the title, your readers might think it is something in a different language that they can't understand or read, so they would scroll away from it without ever giving it a chance. Not all of your readers would do that, of course. Personally, I would go for a title like that because it plays on my curiosity, but still, better safe than sorry. So what you need here is a subtitle to show them that it's written in English. Like maybe 'Rajkahini: a Story of a Princess' or 'Rajkahini: an Indian Fairytale'. It would still be beautiful and very much authentic, but it would have another form of attraction: understanding.
#Blurb:
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The blurb is so concise, but one could say the same for the whole story. Yet there is something sweet and mystically appealing about it. It needs more material, more working on it. But I could see you are in the right place. You have done the introduction quite well, and the conflict was hidden inside that introduction. You need not stretch further, but how about a question in the end to create the climax for your readers. Like : But will she have what it takes to free herself?
And I would advise you against using the past tense in the blurb. The present tense is always the perfect choice here.
#Plot:
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The plot is good. I liked it. But it felt incomplete, for different reasons. First, you did not add anything to your plot. It feels like an idea that you want to put into a book but still can't. You have done well with creating the plot, but you still have to construct it into a short story. There are no scenes to work with, no action, no interactions between characters. And secondly, there are more than just one thing missing from your plot. For starters, your main character, Rajkumari Sandhya, is missing. I couldn't see her anywhere. It felt like we were talking about her when she wasn't there, if you get what I mean. And you wanna know what else is missing. The rich Indian culture. Reading so many stories about medieval princess—guilty of writing one ;)—, I was so excited to find something that is so different for a change. It felt original and refreshing at first. But then all there's to tell me it's an Indian story is the title, the cover, and the names. I want to see more, like the wedding preparations, the songs, the traditions, the outfits, the sari, the jewelry, the lights, and the dancing. And then we could see more of Sandhya. You have a severe case of telling without showing. Like you totally told us about Sandhya without showing her. We only got a few glimpses. I suggest that you show more of your protagonist.
#Characters' Development:
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You have great characterization there. The problem is your characters are absent. Like I said before, we were talking about them but they weren't there. I have no problem with the characters themselves, aside from their absence. In fact, you managed to create conflicted characters in a very realistic way. The king is one for instance, and the mother is another one. Yes, you managed to show that he was a king first and his fatherhood comes last, while the queen was a mother first. And Rajkumari Nisha too, I liked how she acted in the end, how she did for her baby sister what she couldn't do for herself. It shows that she could draw strength from her love to her sister when she could not find that strength for her own gain. It shows a great bond between the sisters and a great character building. Just show more of them, and that would be wonderful.
#Writing Style:
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Your writing style is amazing. So sweet and so lovely. You have a way with words too, and I loved every bit of it.
However, it was not enough. You aimed for a short story and fell into a trap. You just narrated the story. I could see a wonderful story, still waiting to be brought to life through the art of storytelling. We don't just narrate a story. We portray it, draw it, make it alive through scenes and dialogues and action. A good writing style with metaphors, imageries, similes, and all the literary devices you could think of without portraying the story itself equals nothing, I'm sorry to say.
I said before you have a problem with telling without showing. Like how you told us about all of their feelings without actually showing anything. You could give them some acts, something by which we could tell how they feel without you having to tell us anything.
How about Sandhya? Show her desperate to get away from her fate, show her sad when everyone else is singing and dancing, show her lifeless as the traditions proceed with her in the middle. If she could play a sad tune with her Veena, we would know she liked music before you tell us she does.
The only dialogue that I saw throughout the whole book was in the last chapter, and it was done in a wrong way. A fictional book without a dialogue between characters is no better than a non fictional book. You asked if the story was short and sweet. Well it was short, but it felt more like a short summary of the story. Like you were assigned to read Sandhya's story and give us a short account of what happened. The difference between your story and a story with interactions and dialogues and scenes is like the difference between a statue and a living creature. No, scratch that. Why do you think the world is so fascinated by, let's say Greek or Roman sculptures? Because they look so life like you'd think the statue would talk. They took a lifeless rock and portrayed something with it, breathing life into it. Your book right now is that rock, the raw material. You have to breathe life into it through dialogues and different happenings and occurrences. A few scenes would not hurt your story; they would be what it needs. Your story is sweet. Just the right amount of sweet, and I loved it.
The way you wrote your dialogue at the last chapter was not really right. The right way to write a dialogue is by assigning each character a small speach through dialogue and action tags. Let's give an example of that:
"Get the carrots in the pot already!" Mr. Kutcher was shouting. "And I need the onions over here! Bring the rosemary, too! And someone get Miss Marianne her cakes!"
That was an example of a dialogue tag, shouting. Dialogue tags are words that describe the act of talking while at the same time attribute the dialogue to the character that spoke. Like the words (said, shouted, yelled, murmured, mumbled, screamed,etc...)
An action tag, on the other hand, is a word that describes an action that was done while talking. Like (smiled, laughed, waved his hand, played with her hair,etc...) Something like this.
Marianne turned to smile at the old cook. "Thank you, Mr. Kutcher!"
Here the action tag came before the dialogue, but it still described something that the speaker did while speaking, attributing the said words to the speaker, Marianne. It gives a mind picture of Marianne smiling as she spoke.
"But he was the youngest among them all!" Theodore jumped up suddenly, too excited to sit still. "He was only a squire back then."
Here the action tag came right after the delivered speach, giving us a picture of the excitement of the speaker, while attributing the speach to him, Theodore.
The action tag could also describe something that happened in reaction to what was said.
(Marianne went to see her horse.
"Did you miss me, Cara?" The young filly snorted, nudging her owner affectionately. "I brought you an apple.")
We could see that the reaction here was that of the horse which was happy to see her owner. We know the owner is Marianne, so it's only natural that the one who spoke was her, and not the horse.
If you could take those examples, come up with a few dialogues between your characters, and construct them the same way, your story would be perfect.
The italics. You used those too much when they are there ti signify two things: characters's thoughts and flashbacks. Yet your whole story had italics sprinkled all over the place without purpose. Don't use italics unless it's a flashback or something one of your characters is thinking inside their mind.
#Grammer:
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Your grammar is great. Just that you switch between past and present tense so often and without a reason. Stick to one. Either write in the past or in the present. In the first chapter, the second paragraph suddenly switches to the present. Present tense is used to point out facts, yes. But not in storytelling. In storytelling, if you choose to write in the past, you have to stick with it until the end, even when you're telling facts. So the paragraph should go like this:
Marriage in this royal family 'had' always been... It was a connection bound by... it served as...
I know it feels weird—it has always felt weird to me—but this is the way it is. Past means no present unless it's characters thoughts or dialogues. Present means no past unless the same. It's a rule, and we have to follow that rule.
#Punctuation:
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Your punctuation made me proud. You really did, and I loved it for once. But I still have a few notes.
First, when you use a dash, there's a rule to follow. I would write a chapter if I wanted to explain everything about the dash rules, but let's take the sentence you used it in. (It highlighted her (other, not another) elegant feature—her eyes.)
What I mean here is that when you use a dash to set off a sentence, like using it in place of a comma, you use the em dash (—) not the small en dash (-). And then when you use any dash at all, you don't leave space between the dash and the words, whether it be the words before it or after it. Like—that. That's the rule.
Here in your chapter (This soon-to-be bride) that's the right way to use the small en dash, when joining words together.
Then there's another minor problem. When not to use the comma. If you're not using a conjunction word like (and, but, yet, so, etc...) you can't use a comma. You end the sentence with a period (.). But if you feel the sentence relate to the one before, yet you don't want to put a conjunction, just use the semicolon (;). Like here in your first chapter:
Her thoughts were not bound by her kingdom; they went beyond that!
That's all the tips I have for you, because, like I said, you have it right.
#Reader's Enjoyment:
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Your story has everything—sweet and short, great vocabulary, lovely characters, and a favorite genre of mine. But I have already pointed out what it lacks. So, sadly, I can only say that I half enjoyed reading your story.
#Overall:
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One of the greatest books I have reviewed, and one that needs a lot, and I mean a lot, of work to reach the point where it could be called a short story. You have to construct scenes and insert dialogues into your book before it can be called a short story. Either way, I loved it, and I would really be excited to read it again if you ever edit it and put some scenes in there.
For further explanation, any questions or requests you might have, please tag me in a comment here. If you don't tag, I won't get it.