when they call my name

ch. 4

See something you like? His voice burns through my mind, like a melody I've always known. Look at me. Hungry eyes devour me and demand more than just my attention. His gaze demanded more than I ever thought was possible for someone to want.

I never imagined breathing in such sin – being consumed by so much darkness. To have your sole purpose be to serve whatever lies in the dark...until him.

I've lost count of the days since Christian showed up that night. Weeks, I'd say of him coming and going, working different shifts than I. I've become quite captivated by the way my nickname sounds from his lips in between passing shifts.

Little angel.

It feels so right as if it was written in my fate.

That's insane. Why would God put someone like him in my path? To test me? To show me what the real world is like?

Whatever it is, I must set it aside for an hour. Thirty minutes at most.

Maybe that's why I'm sitting in the front row for Mass. Sometimes I hang out in the middle with the other young adults, but not today. The one day out of the whole year I find the most comfort and disfunction sitting in the very front pew of the church I grew up in.

I can't explain it. Perhaps it's because I can't find the right words to explain the numbness I feel anchored in my chest, or it's because I don't want to sound like a maniac. Reasons being I sound insane or delusional. That I'm getting worked up over something that does not truly have anything to do with me.

After Mass, I make my way over to the coffee and donuts in the lobby. It's such a mundane connection that so little take appreciation for. I made a mental note to try and sneak Eddie a strawberry donut since he couldn't be here.

I truly don't blame him. I'm no fun this time of year.

"Miss. Black!" One of the women, Mrs. Lachey from the Women's Guild, rushes over to catch me before I slip out.

Brave face. Brave face. "Good morning Mrs. Lachey!"

"How're you, dear?" She starts, embracing me in a half-assed hug. Her light feathered skin touches mine and it sends a shock through my body.

Oxygen gets hitched inside my throat and I try to cough whatever it is up. "I'm-" cough "Sorry. I'm alright." Inhale. "How is your Sunday going so far?"

Mrs. Lachey, covered in her usual coastal grandmother attire, clasps her hands together. "You know, I got so used to the quiet when Connor moved to college. Ever since he came back home, I've been wanting to bang my head against the wall!" She breathes in deeply. "I pray to the Lord each Sunday for a little more patience than the week before."

I grin half-heartedly.

"Listen, if you're not doing anything this evening-"

I knew exactly what she was doing. "I can't this evening, Mrs. Lachey." I stop her before she can get the full thought out.

At first, she glares at me like I have just turned out the opportunity of a million lifetimes. The 'how dare I turn down an evening with ambitious youth group leader Connor Lachey' glare.

Then, she connects the dots mentally. "I apologize, dear. I forgot."

I lick my lips firmly. "Don't worry about it, Mrs. Lachey. Life is life."

She brings my hands into hers and holds them firmly. "If you ever need anything Alexandria, do not hesitate to call. None of us in the church want to see you go down the same path as your mother."

None of us want to see you go down the same path...

I hold back a snarky remark. "Have a nice rest of your day, Mrs. Lachey." I bite, pulling my hands away and exiting the church.

The midday sun blinds my vision when I step outside, the summer warmth clearing the goosebumps from the cold.

None of us want to see you go down the same path...

She means a mental facility. She means a drug addict teen mom.

It was an unnecessary comment. I've done enough the past three years alone to prove that I am nothing like Madylynn Black. I've gone off to college for my bachelor's degree, a job worthy of my time, a fatherly figure that is proud of me and a Heavenly Father that adores me.

Once I sit in my car and lock myself in, I lean my head back on the head rest and struggle to catch a breath. I want to scream. I want to punch the steering wheel and lash out. Instead, I shut my eyes and exhale sharply.

"It's just one day. The one day that reminds me she existed at all." I mutter. Why does this day impact me so much? It feels as if everyone around me has to walk on eggshells or else I'm going to blow up.

"She was nobody, Lord." I pause while I feel the hot tears rise. "Why does it bother me so much?" I shut my eyes again. "I just need a little guidance today. And-"

A knock on my window startles me and makes me jump. An older man with dark skin and dark eyes grins, and it takes me another moment to notice that he could possibly be homeless.

Homeless people wandering around church parking lots is a little more common than one would expect, but it doesn't mean they are always to be trusted.

My life could be worse, I think to myself. I could be homeless, and here I am. Crying over a mom that assumed she would be better off dead than be a mother.

I fish out a ten-dollar bill out of my purse and roll the window down. Just before I could hand it to him, the homeless man stops me. "Oh, no ma'am. I don't want your money."

I hesitate. Did I read him wrong? "Oh, I'm sorry I-"

"No need to apologize. I just saw you leaving the church upset and thought I'd bring you some news from the good Lord, if that is alright with you."

There's the direct answer I was looking for.

The man stares directly into my eyes as if he could see my soul. I feel prepped and put on display. Vulnerable.

"As you walk alongside the cliffs between Heaven and Hell, do not forget that the devil was an angel of light."

Alongside the cliffs? The devil?

I glance down at my lap for a brief moment, but when I look up to respond the man was gone. As if he was never there to begin with.

"What the..." The words falter. I scan the parking lot to make sure that he was somewhere running around, but there was nothing. No signs. No clue. Nothing.

I take another minute in the car to think through his words – or was it a warning of some kind? The silence started to make my head hurt, so I switched on the radio before pulling out of the parking lot and driving home.