The Brightest Star

Chapter One

Trapped in the boot of the car, all Cecilia could hear was Matt and herself struggling to breathe. Running was never a skill of theirs. It's pitch black so she can't see him but can feel him next to her. She feels relieved to not be alone. She hears him moving and taking something. He unlocks his phone and places it between them, allowing them to finally see each other. She's laying sideways, using her arm as a pillow while he is laying on his back still struggling to breathe.

"Hiding in the car... Genius move." He says.
"I've always been a genius when it comes to hide-and-seek."
"You're a genius when it comes to anything."

She rolls her eyes at him and focuses on their source of light. His wallpaper is this amazing picture of them and his brother Alex. She loves it. The past year has been crazy therefore, she can barely believe they've already spent a year without him.

"So, we got time to waste," he says, turning to her, holding his head with his hand, "how does it feel to know it's your last summer as a highschooler? University is a month away now."
"It's incredibly stressful and I can't help but think that I was supposed to do all this with Alex."

She can see that hearing his brother's name hurts him. They talk about him a lot but they never really pronounce his name anymore. It has the power of dragging all the joy from Matt. And as clumsy as she is, sometimes she forgets. His eyes are lost in the picture and she slowly takes his available hand in hers. He presses it to say he's okay. He stretches a bit and puts his eyes back on hers. His green eyes are wet but not enough for him to cry.

"Do you think we'll ever get out of this car?" he asks.
"I hope so at least '' she answers laughing.
"They'll never think of looking for us here! We won this one for sure."

She's familiar with the people they're hanging out with. She doesn't know them enough to qualify them as friends but she knows enough to be sure that you always have a good time with them. Matt is part of those people that believe growing up is a state of mind and that, sometimes, it's good to let your inner child have a little fun. Hence why they end up hiding in a car's boot for a hide and seek. Her anxiety has been crazy high all day, only now does it go down a bit. This boy has this power of making all her anxiety go away. She hates to admit it because she hates to think she can be vulnerable but she's scared of people. Not scared like "horror movie" scared. More like "I'm weak and you'll take advantage of it" scared. He has always helped her with it. In their fifteen years of friendship, he's never let her down. She doesn't know how she could live without him. If only she knew...

"You know what this reminds me of?" he starts, "When we planned this whole weekend away to the lake but we forgot there were only four seats in the car and we both ended up doing the trip in these exact same positions."
"Oh my God, yes! I forgot about that! It was such an amazing weekend but the car trip was so painful!"
"Yes! Never again."
"Never again, never again... We are in the exact same setting."
"It's an endless cycle." he says fake crying.

They laugh loudly at the thought of this memory. It triggers a few others that were just as ridiculous and they keep on laughing, completely forgetting the fact that they are supposed to stay silent. They hear someone walking around his car and they immediately put a hand on each other's mouth. He moves towards her, covering his phone but still enough light is getting through for them to see each other. They keep cackling at this ridiculous moment, knowing fully well it will become one of those memories they will never lose and forever share. The heat in this car is getting way too high from adrenaline, and from the flaming sun, and she finds herself almost hoping someone would find them.

"What on Earth are we doing?"he whispers in her hand, still laughing.
"Being very bad at staying silent."

He is laughing so hard but so silently that his eyes are full of tears and he's all red. This vision will forever remain engraved in her brain and heart. This moment is so pure and so happy. She couldn't live without him. Never. That is what she keeps repeating herself. When you get used to someone's presence, having them gone, even for a short time, can be very damaging for your emotions. And it is even more when you know you will never be able to see them again.

They hear someone stopping in front of the boot and open it suddenly. The piercing sun enters the car, burns her eyes and blinds her.

She opened her eyes in a hurry and frankly turned to her side hoping to find him. Empty. Just her almost pitch black, empty bedroom. Another night. Another dream of a memory that reminded her that he's gone. Even though they, -he-, said goodbye, she couldn't seem to let go. She wished it didn't have to end... Her drapes are closed but the tiniest amount of light slipped in the room. And she could just admire how dead everything looked. She had a couple of pictures of her best friend and family but most frames were empty and you could see by the free spots on her walls where their pictures used to be. She glanced at this cardboard box in the empty corner of her room. Covered in a thick layer of dust and with some visible weak spots from water. From tears.

When it happened, when he left, she couldn't bear looking at any memory or anything that would remind her of him in the slightest. That same night, after crying in one of his sweatshirts for hours, she carefully folded everything she had that he owned, took the pictures off her walls and out of the frames to place them carefully in two boxes. And she did the same with basically everything. Because everything reminded her of him. Everything reminds her how dead and dull life feels now.

When he left, the world stopped being colourful.

Unfortunately, when she and her parents moved out for a new beginning, one of the boxes got lost and was never found again. Losing the majority of what reminded her of him. She was inconsolable for days. She pushed the remaining box in a corner of her room and never opened it again. She always said she would take a look at what's inside when she would be completely ready. It's been almost a year already and she wondered if she would ever be out of that feeling. If she would ever stop having those dreams. She hoped not. Ironically, she didn't feel fully ready to open that box but these dreams brought her comfort as much as sadness. His face gets less and less precise with each dream but the memories stay accurate. She gets to live them again and again. She had no control over it and she didn't care. She didn't have much control left over anything anymore.

Sitting on the edge of her bed she stared into the nothingness and wondered when she would ever move on. It felt like he left yesterday and ten years ago at the same time. Her body still felt asleep and she was ready to lay back down when her phone started to ring. She didn't even bother looking at who's calling and immediately picked up.

"You're not coming today either?" Her best friend asked.
"Does it look like I'm there?"
"Lia... As much as I love you and try to understand how hard this year has been for you, you have to move on."
"Almost a year, Bora. It has not been a whole year yet."
"Tomorrow will... You have to get better, to say goodbye. Are you going to the ceremony his parents are organising tomorrow?"
"Of course not! I didn't go to his funeral, it's not to show up a year later. I don't need to cry with other people to say goodbye. I need to be on my own."
"You've been on your own the whole year and it hasn't changed. Try something. You need to distract your mind. How about you start writing again one of the stories you had started?"
"I can't... I can't take my mind off him."
"Then write about him. Write whatever you want that can make you feel better. You're slowly letting yourself die, Lia. You can't keep wasting your life... I don't want to lose you. I can't."
"I know you're right... I'll give it a try but I don't promise you anything."
"That's good enough for me. I have to go back to class, I'll send you the courses tonight. I love you."
"Alright, thank you. I love you more."

She carelessly put the phone down on her bed and felt her heart sinking. Like every time she had thought of actually opening that haunted box. She was seconds away from doing it a few times already but never did. It seems like it's looking at her, singing her name like a mermaid to catch her and bring her deep into the void, making her drown with the darkness.

Writing about him... She never really thought of it. She did everything to get him out of her sight and head. Writing about him seemed a little counterproductive. But it's not like she had anything to lose anymore. Trying to remember their memories together purposely, instead of having to remember against her will in her dreams, was much harder than she thought it would be...

Goodbye.

She had to do it.

She jumped out of her bed and rushed to run some ice cold water on her face. Her heart was racing. Pondering in her head. Her thoughts were loud and colliding together. She couldn't face it. She couldn't face the box. She couldn't face the memories. She couldn't face him and the fact that she was the reason he died...