The Brightest Star

Chapter Eight

The sun was showing off its brightness and the birds were singing and living this new day. As always since he left, Lia hated it. How could the world feel so happy when she felt so dead? How could she feel so different from everyone else? Was there someone, somewhere, feeling the same as her?

She knew his note was the last thing she had to write about. It wasn't related to a specific day. It was during one of her toughest moments, Matt wanted to support and show her love from a distance, as she had requested, and he wrote this little note he had slipped under her door. There was not a single bad moment in her life during which she didn't read this note. Until he left. After that, it felt ironic and useless. She hadn't read it in more than a year and wanted to run away and burn it at the idea of picking it up. But she had no choice if she wanted to one day see colours again. To feel alive, she had to accept he was dead.

She grabbed two pieces of tape and secured the note in her notebook. She wanted it close to her. Lia closed her eyes and took a deep breath. It was time to talk about the worst day of her life. She lifted the pen, in hope her pain would pour on the pages and get stuck in the notebook forever. She hoped to be finally free.

In the end, they were too broken to heal each other. And when she realised he would never come back, she just had to let him go. Even when a piece of her heart will always originally belong to him. A piece she'll never get back.

"'Lia,

I know you're not feeling really well lately and it kills me to know that. A soul like yours should know nothing but love and happiness. I know I don't always look like the type of friend you can come to to share deep stuff with but for you I'd spend hours trying to fix your issues.

Please remember that you're not alone and will never be as long as I'll be breathing. With me next to you, you'll always have someone to catch you if you fall. Please come to me if you feel like crying, yelling and or letting everything out. Come to me for anything. That's what family is for.

Love,

Matt.'

Oh if only you had followed your own advice...

November 10th 2020 was a pretty boring day. I've been studying for my upcoming exams all day and was about to catch a break. It was around 9pm, the night was well settled already. For the first time in weeks, my phone lit up with your name on it. Last time we saw each other was at Alex's funeral. A little more than a year ago at that time.

I didn't take my phone immediately and it might have been my first mistake. I wanted to finish what I was doing first and by the time I looked at what you sent, I had a bunch of new messages from you. With the first one I knew the night was gonna be much different than what I anticipated. The following messages only made it worse.

"I'm sorry"

"Help me"

"Please"
"I can't do it by myself anymore"

"Please"

"I'm sorry"

"I'm sorry"

"I'm sorry"

I was quick to call you. You were quick to decline. I kept pacing in my room trying to call you, begging for you to pick up your phone. I then did what was probably my second mistake. I screenshotted your messages and sent them to your parents. They called me and they were as panicked as I was. We all knew what was gonna happen if we weren't quick. They had lost their first son and were about to lose their last one. You weren't in your room like I thought you were so your parents asked me where you could possibly be. The responsibility of trying to find you, the faith your parents had in me, the pressure they had just put on my shoulders and me trying to keep your attention all at the same time, made my brain shut off. That was my third mistake.

I texted your parents a place you could be at. And when they'd tell me you weren't there, I'd text another one. It took me six tries to find you. At the most obvious place. The anxiety and panic made me forget that place. The only place you could have been at. The lake.

It hit me like a truck and I told your parents to be quick. By the time I thought of the lake, I felt like I was losing you. I had given up on the fact that you would let me call you so I tried to keep texting you. Everything lasted about an hour and a half... Until you called me. I answered immediately. And if my memory is sometimes dizzy, I don't think it will ever allow me to forget a single word of that phone call. A two minutes and thirty-seven seconds phone call. Crazy how a life can change in that short amount of time... During that phone call, I felt that you were long gone, your voice was weird, your breathing was irregular and whenever I tried to talk, you'd talk first. Those last words were the harshest ones:

"I love you and I will always love you. No matter what's gonna happen, I'll miss you for every single second of my future eternity. I am so proud of you for everything my little star, thank you..."

And then you said goodbye, but this one lasted forever.

You hung up and stopped answering. So did everyone else. I was alone in the silence of my cold room and I could feel it. You were gone. But I didn't want to accept it. An hour went by before your dad called back. Your mom was still screaming your loss. I had sent your parents to your dead body. I wasn't quick enough.

In the following days I learnt that the syringe of drugs you had used to kill yourself had been in your arm for a long time. And that you died a few minutes after our phone call. You were already dying when you called me. The act was already done and that's why nothing I could say would convince you to come back home. I'm the last person you talked to and I let you down. Your voice becomes unclear with time, but your words are forever imprinted in my mind. I don't know why you called me right before dying and I will never know. Were you regretting your decision? Were you trying to show me the last bit of hope you had? I don't know...

If I had been even a few minutes quicker to think, you could still be with us. We could have provided the help you needed all this time and I wouldn't have to talk you through some paper and nightmares. I let you down. I killed you, and for that, I'm sorry. I didn't just lose my best friend that day. I lost the part of me I needed the very most.

I am haunted by the ghost of you. Every night I dream of me standing over your dying body. I'm paralysed and can't move to help you. And it's only when you're gone and nothing can be done anymore that I can move. And all I can do is cry.

I hate you for doing that to me.

I'm probably a horrible person to think that but it's true. I was a horrible friend for the last year of your life. I didn't reach out but neither did you. I hate you as much as I love you. And you know how gigantic my love for you is. We could've easily done it. Together. And I will never forgive you for leaving me alone. We could have fought together. I'm sorry that our relationship wasn't strong enough to make you stay. I thought what we had was worth living and fighting for. You chose to join your brother and leave me here. I understand without really understanding. I just wish I could have convinced you to stay.

You know what breaks me? That one day, I'll get to the point where I'll have to remember you for longer than I've known you. I know that someday you will completely fade away into the depths of my memories until there's nothing left of you. But I truly hope you get to stay..."

Gone.

His story might have ended but he will, now, always live in these pages.

The clock showed that it was finally time. The ceremony had just started. Gathering the last bit of strength, and the new strings of hope, Lia placed all the memories back in the little box. Except for the note. She stuck the pen in the notebook and got up.

Splashing ice cold water on her face she looked at her reflection. Her lifeless looking brown eyes were begging for life. She hoped what she was about to do was the right decision. Patting her face dry, she inhaled and exhaled with all the strength she could. Like she was drowning and hanging on until someone could reach and save her. She was gonna save herself.