The Brightest Star

Chapter Five

Now, this was harder than the hoodie. It was too much for her. Too sudden. She chose to follow Bora's advice and to open the box but she should have thought about the consequences. She had to take a step back. Placing the picture on her old white desk, she took a look at her phone. 7 p.m. She had woken up late but her head felt heavy and she had to lie down. Taking the picture and the hoodie with her, she pressed them against her heart and closed her eyes. Maybe if she focused hard enough she could feel one of his hugs again. Just one. Maybe she could hear him laugh again. Maybe she could avoid sending him to his death.

Lia hated to cry. It made her feel vulnerable and that's one thing she wanted to protect herself from: other people. Which was one of the main reasons why she barely stepped out of her house for the past year. She couldn't let people see her like that. She was broken, outside and inside. This time she couldn't help but cry. She had to let him go but it felt like abandoning him. Again.

Tomorrow's ceremony was at 10 a.m. and she still couldn't decide if she was gonna go or ignore him again. She wasn't sure she could face his parents. Their parents. They had lost Alex but they had also lost Matt. The only children they had. Lia had known them for almost her whole life and yet she never gave a single sign of life, for all she knew, they could think she was dead. That she had followed Matt's steps. Maybe if they would go back to where he was, they would find her lying in the same position Matt was in when he left... She had thought about it. About leaving. A lot. In the end he always compared it to her life, with how much she hated Matt today, how much her life got wrecked, turned upside-down and destroyed when he decided to do that. She was forever traumatised and she couldn't bear the thought of doing that to her family and to her friends. So she stepped back. The way she was living today couldn't be much different to being dead but at least, she never did it.

The ceremony was a couple of hours away from now and she had to make a decision. Unfortunately, the tears being too loud and her eyes being too heavy, Lia fell asleep. Hugging his hoodie and their picture, she opened the doors of her mind to another sight of this nightmare and to some dreams of them. No matter how inaccurate, she wanted to live them. Even if it was only in her mind.

It took Lia a moment to remember where she was. The sun was down but it felt like it would rise soon. Her room was the same as when she fell asleep. Messy. Dusty. Except for the box. The box wasn't in the corner anymore. Lia ran towards the empty spot and started to panic. Where was it? Did she throw it away in the middle of the night? Lia sat on the floor, she couldn't stop hyperventilating. Until she felt something sting her arm. She grabbed whatever had hurt her and felt her heart sink into her stomach. Matt. A picture of them and the moon. It was partially stuck in her shirt's sleeve. How did it end up there? That's when it hit her. In the silence of her room, she turned her head toward her desk and saw it sitting there. Opened. Everything came back to her in a few seconds and she hurried to grab her phone. 6.a.m. The ceremony was in 4 hours and her choice had still yet to be made. She had to finish writing the memories linked to whatever was left in that box. She had to do it quickly. Lia had convinced herself that today was the last chance she had of grieving him, of forgiving him, of loving him, of remembering him. Desperate of finding peace, it's all she found. A not-so-ultimate ultimatum.

She sat back down at her desk and grabbed the first things her fingers would dare touch. She couldn't cry, she couldn't lose time. She had to be quick. And of course she had decided on the no crying rule when she chose to take the necklace... Oh that day.

"The day we celebrated my eighteenth birthday was so special to me. You had organised everything to be like I loved it. Alex was there along with a few friends. I brought a book with me and we drove to the lake to have a nice picnic. If I could speak to you about the whole day I'll only speak about fifteen minutes of it.

Everyone was in the water enjoying the warm days of May but we stayed on the blankets, sharing a piece of shadow that the tree next to us could offer. You got a box out of your bag and started on your little speech.

"I know we said no gifts but when I saw it I really couldn't resist. It was absolutely made for you."

I opened that box and didn't know what to expect. Inside was a beautiful necklace with a little golden star.

"I don't understand." I said when in reality I just didn't want to jump to conclusions.
"It's a star! The other night with you... I really loved it. And this is the brightest star I could find." You helped me put the necklace on and said: "Now, you will always be my leading point. The brightest star. My brightest star."

I shyly thanked and hugged you but I never had the occasion to tell you how much you changed my life that day.

Maybe if I held you a little tighter. Maybe if I loved you a little more. Maybe if I would have been quicker, you wouldn't have left. I wish you had come to your brightest star when you needed it. "