The Brightest Star

Chapter Four

One day will come when she will be as old as he will ever be. Him. Her big brother. The first and only person she would look up to. The only person she fully trusted with advice. She had outlived him. Lia and Matt had always talked about visiting the world, making their kids best friends, living in the same city. Here was her mistake, she thought. She had built a life around someone who didn't plan on living it. And now she was left behind. Alone. With her dreams of that life slowly crumbling away. She had never planned on having any other plans in life and now that these were gone... she couldn't think of anything else. If he didn't think this life they had imagined was worth living and fighting for, it was still the only thing keeping her here. The utopia of a life that couldn't be.

Reminiscing that first memory was not as hard as she thought. It was hard but not in the way Lia expected. She gently placed the black hoodie on her lap and straightened it with her hands before mindlessly reaching into the box. Smiling at the mental image of her best friend in that hoodie, she didn't feel the picture between her fingers she was pulling out of the box. Her smile could not have fallen quicker.

There he was. A perfectly accurate picture of him. She was sure it was the only picture she had taken of them herself. Matthew was never a big enthusiast of pictures. For him, moments were meant to be lived.

This selfie of them... how could she have forgotten it? Them, as happy as they had ever been, with the brightest full moon in the background. In this past year, the only representation Lia had of him was in her dreams. As much as she hated it, his face was becoming less and less precise. His laugh stopped echoing in her head. His face stopped accurately appearing in her dreams. She was slowly forgetting the details of him. This picture made it all come back. Hitting her like a truck. It was her fondest memory of him. And of them. She could describe the sound of the water, the feeling of the wind, the cracking noises of the leaves, the cold metal of his car. But it all felt so unnecessary.

"I have no idea how you lived that day or what thoughts were coming to you. If I'll never be able to be sure, I know one thing: This day is one the most important in our relationship. You always challenged me and opened my eyes on so many different things. For once, it felt the other way.

We were at the lake. I mean, when were we not? I had just received my brand new telescope and we were going out to test it out. I was always obsessed with the stars and everything out there. You, on the other hand, were quite the contrary. You enjoyed a life you could live and touch, not something you could dream of from far away. But you gave it a shot. For me.

I set up my telescope in the grass near your pick-up truck and made sure everything was perfect. I adjusted the lens and made sure the first constellation I wanted to show you was clear.

"Take a look at that. Oh no, wait! First let's take a picture." I said, excited to share with you a piece of my word and excited to have a new picture to look at. You rolled your eyes but still got up and got close to me. You were quite taller so I would usually ask you to take our pictures but for the first time, I took it, which made the angle so funny. You got behind me and placed your chin on top of my head and gave your brightest smile to the camera. Oh, how much I loved that smile...
"What am I looking at?" you asked after looking into the telescope.
"This constellation is called Cygnus. It is made to represent a swan or Zeus in disguise."
"Zeus in disguise?"
"Yes. In Greek Mythology it is well known that Zeus liked to seduce mortals. And he would appear to them as different types of animals. The swan being one of them."
"I don't see it..."
"Because it's not literally a swan. We're not playing connect the dots here. It's abstract. See the brightest star of this constellation? It's the leading point. That star is called Deneb."
"Wow... Do all stars have a name?"
"Yes, pretty much. Look at this one," I said while orienting the telescope another way. "This one is called Lyra. To represent the lyre Orpheus received from his father Apollo, Greek God of music. The brightest star is named Vega."
"You have a lot of knowledge in this. Do you know everything?" you asked as we walked to the back of your pick-up where you placed a few pillows and blankets. We lied down and observed this immensity of lights.
"Of course not. No one knows everything. A lifetime would never be enough to learn everything. And that's the beauty of it."
"What do you mean?"
"How boring would it be to be sure and know everything? Not knowing and mysteries are prominent parts of our lives here. We don't know everything about our planet, let alone the one next to us. So imagine what we know about the infinity of the universe?"
"Not much I imagine."
"Barely anything. How magical is that? Life just like we know it could exist galaxies away from here or a form of life our human brains can't even begin to imagine. I like how insignificant us and our problems look from here. I like the mystery of not knowing. I like all the possibilities. I love constellations and what they are made of. I love their brightest star, their leading point. They are what to look up to when you're lost."

You didn't say anything after that but still today, I could draw the expression of your face looking at those stars. For once, I had an impact on you. What I said made you think and you expanded your curiosity. I was so proud to be the cause of that. I always looked up to you as you seemed to know everything. You challenged me and pushed me above my limits multiple times and this time, it was my turn to do so. And I hoped this moment together would stay with you forever.

This night will always be my favourite memory of us. I wish I could live it again. Just once, and remember what it was like for you to still be here. To still be next to me."

Putting the pen down, Lia pressed the picture against her heart. She could have done anything for one more minute with me, one last word, one last hug.

She was still waiting for him. And she will forever wait if she had to. As hopeless as it might be, she couldn't bring herself to try and do anything else because, maybe, if she believed strongly enough, he would come back in one way or another.