The Brightest Star

Chapter Three

Matt was not the first and only person Lia had lost. But he, for sure, was the most painful. She had always imagined her whole life filled with him and his soul. She still didn't realise that what Matt went through in his last year is what she's going through right now. But one thing was making them different: she was ready to fight. As hard as it was going to be.

Her leg was bouncing and her eyes were glued on that box. As usual, she was asking herself a thousand questions. This box was all she had left of him. She had to do it. She knew it. But how hard was it really gonna be? Without opening the box she couldn't find out. She tried to collect herself, in vain. What could a few deep breaths do to a sinking heart ? Her hand moved toward the box but stopped midway. The atmosphere was tense. She was terrified. Lia could feel and hear her heart beating in her head. A loud cacophony that reminded her that she was really much alive when everything inside this room felt so dead. She couldn't include anything that was outside the room because the world never stopped going on. She hated that with her whole heart. The world kept going when hers collapsed. Everyone kept walking forward when she was sinking. Her world stopped making sense but everyone else's seemed to be normal. People kept worrying about work, school or what to wear to that party, things she once also thought were the most important parts of her life. Until he left. Now, she was that one grey spot in a colourful world, waiting to be either coloured, or erased.

The hand, still in midair, started to move again. She was determined for her world to feel a bit normal again. With tears she wished she could keep inside, she opened the lid of the box and let it fall on the floor. It made a noise louder than what she thought it would. She was mortified. Almost like something would jump out of the box if she had dared to go too close to it. But she didn't even take a look at what was inside, she simply reached for the first thing her fingers would find. Looking at everything at once would be too overwhelming, she knew herself. She would just crawl back into bed, crying and screaming the grief away, hoping the box would be gone by the time she would open her eyes again. Instead, she pulled out a black hoodie. His black hoodie. She knew exactly how and when she got it. If the tears were about to fall, seeing and feeling it for the first time in a year, made her smile a little. Unconsciously, she brought it to her nose and smelled it. Of course, it smelled nothing like him. Just what she was expecting it to smell like, like a hoodie that would have spent a year folded in a box. She quickly forgot how he smelled like and she knew today wouldn't be any different. Lia took some minutes to stare at it and touch it. Making sure she was remembering everything from that day to try and write it down.

"I am still shivering from that night. Sometimes we were really stupid. And that night was really not the biggest demonstration of our intellects. Alex was still there -not that we have any memories together after his death anyway- and he wanted to impress that new girl he was going out with. I can't remember her name but I'm sure you would have.

He wanted to show her the lake. The place where we spent hundreds and hundreds of hours together. Just us three. You drove us there in the middle of the night. Picked me up on the way cause you didn't want to be third wheeling but now we were... fourth wheeling? I don't know, call it as you wish.

You had brought the bare minimum to survive a November night to a lake. We had never seen that place so empty. So quiet. So peaceful. Even the water seemed asleep, waiting for the sun to rise and for it to welcome the first families of the day, filling that place with screams of joy, laughter and splashings of water. We were sitting on this weird bench which was barely usable anymore. Painful for the ass, healing for the mind. Your brother was busy showing off his swimming abilities to his girlfriend who was too cold to go in. And we were just there.

"I envy him." I said looking at Alex.
"Why? He is incredibly stupid. Trust me, I live with him" You said laughing.
"No. He doesn't care about anything. He just does whatever goes through his mind. It's amazing! Well, in my opinion at least. I would never jump in the lake, at night, mid-april!"

Then, for the first time since the beginning of our conversation, I looked at you. That look on your face... You looked so peaceful.

"We could." you said.

But we just carried on talking. Neither of us were feeling particularly happy lately. A weird mood was settling and you said it was probably just some seasonal depression. It felt deeper than that. Within a few minutes, it started to rain. I remember Alex and his girlfriend running to the car. You got up and started to pack things up but you stopped when you saw I wasn't moving. You asked me what was wrong and I just started to cry. Just because. I was tired and angry and I needed to let things out. Having you near me always made me feel safe and free. I knew that, for once, I was allowed to be vulnerable. You forced me up and removed the black hoodie you were wearing. You placed it under the folded blanket to protect it from the rain. You helped me remove my jacket while I was still asking for some explanations. You grabbed my hand and told me: "Let's act like Alex and forget everything. Just for a minute."

We ran towards the water while the pouring rain was getting thicker. The cold water hit my body and we became completely submerged. It was hard to swim because you didn't let go of my hand. I didn't want you to. We floated in the water for a few minutes. Surprisingly, considering our surroundings, everything was so beautiful and peaceful. With you.

Before going back to the car you offered me the black hoodie you had hidden under the blanket. I never had a chance to give it back to you. I don't know if I regret it or not."

Matt was a lot of things, confident, a warrior, a funny guy, an adventurer, someone rational but what he mainly was, was Lia's world. And he cursed her the day he left. Everyone can be saved if you find the right words to open their eyes. That was always what Cecilia believed. To this day, she was convinced she could have saved him, but instead, she killed him.