"Lie to me," he whispered. His face was so close and I couldn't breathe.
"Lie to me and tell me you don't want me as much as I want you. Lie to me and tell me you don't want to press those pretty lips of yours to mine right now. Lie to me and tell m...
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Knowing of Rowen's pain broke my heart. Who would've known that underneath his charming smiles, underneath those love-laced words, underneath those eyes that wrote poetry, was just a boy that was hurting?
But I guess everyone has their demons, right?
Even those that seem the most stable can be hiding the most dangerous secrets. It was scary, almost, how easily people could lie. How effortlessly someone could deceive. In just a few words, a single gesture, someone could trick you into believing that they were an entirely different person.
His eyes were closed as he lay next to me. I wasn't trying to be creepy, but I studied his face. I traced my eyes along his sculpted jawline, his pretty lashes. Knowing that behind his facade was someone who was desperately afraid.
I lay on my back, staring at the ceiling. I let my fingers trace the scars on my stomach.
Was it my fault?
What if I had resurfaced his panic attacks? What if I was hurting him? What if I was being so selfish and petty that I had caused him to suffer?
I shut my eyes tight, trying to block out those voices in my head.
What if he had a panic attack that night, the night I had to go to the hospital? What if when he found me, practically dead on the floor, he relapsed? What about the other night, before that, when I broke up with him?
What if
What if
What if
I squeezed my hands together, forcing myself to stop. Speculating wasn't helping. Shouldn't helping Rowen be my top priority? He just opened up to me. I should be grateful.
I shouldn't wonder about how selfish I was.
I shouldn't wonder if I was hurting him.
I shouldn't wonder if my fucked-up mind was bad for him.
It's alright, a soft, familiar voice crooned in my head. My mother's voice. It's alright. You two can make it through your hardships together. Together.
I let myself drift to sleep to my mom's reassurance.
But a part of me still whispered, what if you caused him pain?
Should you still be with him, even if you're hurting him?
[ • • • ]
"Good morning, Hawaii." Someone kissed my lips, and I opened my eyes to Rowen's.
"I've missed that name," I joked, kissing him back before sitting up in bed.
