Violence of missing you.
There's a certain violence that comes with missing you. On a random time of the day, when the thought of you crossed my mind, when all my happiness was swept away because you just ran through my mind. I don't know how to get better after that, because what comes after that was nothing but an endless wave of sadness and I don't know what to say to myself or to you, I don't know if that was missing you, I don't know if I want to talk to you, but everytime, all the time this happens, I beg the heavens to not let me know how you're doing. Because it felt like violence, it felt like my bones breaking, my blood dripping, my joints were torn apart and my throat was dry . I couldn't scream for help, my hands were motionless and all my heart, my lungs were held back because you crossed my mind.
On a random task, of doing my skin care you're just there inside my mind running around. I don't know why you ever cross my mind, I wonder if I still miss you, I wonder if I want to talk to you, I wonder if I still want to have you but it feels like violence, all the time whenever I miss you and I don't know, I don't know how to admit it in myself that maybe I really do miss you, that maybe I really do need you. I don't know how to tell my heart how to forget you, I don't know what to do when you cross my mind. Because with all my heart, with all I am I know that I'll miss you— even when I forget you. And I don't want to know how you're doing, without me. Without me. All the time, I don't know what to do. The front you're putting up was nothing but a wall and like me you're doing your best to unmiss me too but please God, I wish you would speak my name to all of the beasts and demons or even people. I wish you talked about me, I don't care if you'll curse me or talk about how much you hate me, I wish my name would cross your mind, I wish I violently crossed your mind. I wish it would hurt you, the same way I begged you.
I don't know how you had the guts to go. That was one hell of a courage, that was one hell of bravery— it took you one hell of a big step to leave me. So just hate me. Please hate me
KAMU SEDANG MEMBACA
I have found myself a home
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