Assassin's Creed Modern One Shots

Incorrect Quotes // part three

Arno: I'm not doing too well.
Ezio : What's wrong?
Arno: I have this headache that comes and goes.
*Jacob enters the room*
Arno: There it is again.

Altaïr , writing in his diary with a glitter gel pen: I'm losing my sense of humanity. Nothing matters. God is dead. There's blood on my hands.

Aveline: You're smiling. What happened?
Arno: What? Can't I smile just because I feel like it?
Desmond: Ezio tripped and fell down the stairs today.

Altaïr: All of your existences are confusing.
The Group: How so?
Altaïr: Your presence is annoying, but the thought of anything bad happening to any of you upsets me.

Evie, in a high voice, holding Barbie: Hey, Ken! I was thinking about going back to school and starting a career!
Desmond, in a deep voice, holding Ken: Nonsense, Barbie. You're staying home and having my kids.
Arno: What the fuck are you guys doing?
Evie: Playing systemic oppression.

Desmond: No, I don't want to talk about physics! I don't know anything about the laws of physics because they are hard and boring. I simply would like them to behave in a way that is most convenient to ME and MY LIFE! Is that really asking too much?
Altaïr : Yes, as a matter of fact, it is!
Desmond: Well, guess what? Science is stupid bullshit!!
Altaïr : You take that back!!!
Desmond: No. Magic is awesome. Science blows. The end.

Aveline: HYDRATE OR DIE-DRATE!
Aveline: *aggressively throws water bottles*
Altaïr : Uh... what's up with her?
Desmond: She's trying to yell mental health and wellbeing into us.
Aveline: I APPRECIATE ALL OF YOU!
Arno, crying: It's working.

Ezio : Good morning.
Connor: Good morning.
Aveline: Good morning.
Desmond: You all sound like robots, try spicing it up a bit.
Altaïr : MORNING MOTHERFUCKERS!

Altaïr : What's this?
Aveline, hugging Altaïr : Affection!
Altaïr : Disgusting.
Altaïr : ...Do it again.

Connor: You read my diary?
Altaïr : At first I did not know it was your diary. I thought it was a very sad handwritten book.

*Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker*
Altaïr : So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.
Everyone:
Desmond: ...I did. I broke it.
Altaïr : No. No you didn't. Connor?
Connor: Don't look at me. Look at Ezio .
Ezio : What?! I didn't break it.
Connor: Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?
Ezio : Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.
Connor: Suspicious.
Ezio : No, it's not!
Arno: If it matters, probably not, but Aveline was the last one to use it.
Aveline: Liar! I don't even drink that crap!
Arno: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?
Aveline: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Arno!
Connor: Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it, Altaïr .
Altaïr : No! Who broke it!?
Everyone:
Arno: Altaïr ... Connor's been awfully quiet.
Connor: rEALLY?!
*Everyone starts arguing*
Altaïr , being interviewed: I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it.
Altaïr : I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick.
Altaïr :
Altaïr : Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.

Arno: Be right back, gonna hit the toilet for a quick power sob.

Evie: Who hurt you?
Arno: *snorting* What, do you want a list?
Evie: ...Yes, actually.

Altaïr, to the group: And remember, if I get harsh with you it is only because you're doing it all wrong.

Arno: I only have two emotions: exhaustion and stress. And I'm somehow always feeling both simultaneously.