Diary of a Burnt Out Kid

6/26/2023- Playing Psychology

Monday

June 16, 2023

If you don't know or I haven't really told you or I forgot to tell you, I'm a humanities and Social sciences strand student. I study psychology and social stuff. I'm just interested. (Let's ignore the fact that I'm listening to an ASMR to comfort myself after an argument with my mom). So let's back up a little bit.

This morning, about 4:00 am. I woke up to my mom and grandmother talking. Which you may not know, she doesn't really agree with me. She keeps claiming that I was lazy and that we don't help out at home. When REALLY she keeps getting ahead of our housework leaving none for us. Which is basically playing the victim. So, after she ranted all that nonsense to my mom, of course, as blood related and mother-child, she would believe her more. Then, she started comparing her childhood from us and said, " When I was your age, I was able to do all the housework and study well at the same time." Internally, I replied, "Yeah, back when you can buy phones with 100 pesos and society wouldn't mind how high your grades are. In comparison to our current society which demands a lot of work and higher educational standards." She keeps invalidating my feelings. Being a narcissist and all. I know it's been 17 years having to deal with her and I should already be used to it by now. But as a human myself, I get full too and I get hurt.

After that, she set up a rule in the house that we should cook our own food because apparently, I overslept yesterday and didn't have dinner. (She also doesn't eat dinner at times)FYI, after school, I buy street food along the way before going home to of course, reward myself for a tiring day.   So the whole day went on as that, with me and my sister following the same rule. Everything was fine. Until she went back home from work and I went down from my room to reward myself for completing all of my requirements on the same day. (P.S. my last requirements to finish 11th grade). Instead of hearing a "congratulations" she says, "So? How's cooking for your own?" I relied, "It's good"

This was because I knew what she was trying to do. 

(If you don't get it, she's trying to make us feel guilty and admit that it's not easy/good. But to be fair, I took that as a training/challenge to get myself ready for college. Like heck It's going to be hell. Because again FYI I won as the Student Government President in my school. I know, crazy. BUT, she took it as if to make it like a kid's fable and tales-- giving a lesson and stuff. Yeah I read that from the start. Other than that, I also discovered that she's jealous of my achievements. How do I know that? She keeps comparing her "not so high" accomplishments to mine. It explains all of her reactions to my achievements, where I seek for "That sounds good!" or "I'm so proud of you" but rather, I hear " Do better next time" and "Ah, good, very good" then shrug it off I hated that. That made me lose confidence)

But here...She pulled a f-cking uno-reverse on me. She brought-up about her issue with my father's side of the family and how we're lazy like them. (Which mind you, we never had issues with them from the first place, just her. They were also the only relative who gives us money in every type of occasion) She was the one who set up the rule in the first place and we just agreed to it because she's the one in-charge because there was no 'father' in the house. She's acting all immature, it shows how grandmother(mom side) really abused her. I know I should have sympathy, but it was long gone when she started repeating the same history, possibly worse, considering today's life. If you are thinking, "Talk to her", I already did. And it became a month of an argument resulting to me doing the first move and be humble and apologized even if none of that was my fault because I was just a kid trying to convey myself to a close-minded mother. At this point she's more like a benefactor rather than a blood relative. I gave up on that already. My 4th grade ass can speak for that.

So, how did I end the conversation? I called my BFF and talked about how frustrating and tiring the year and all the requirements are because last week was hell week. I was basically on full volume with the conversation and my bestie was into it. She basically shut her mouth throughout our conversation. Only for her to open it again when my grandmother(my grandmother's sister) from Switzerland called. She basically told everything. 

And....I lost my motivation to write. So.... I might continue this later on.... if you are interested (or even if you're not) I'll continue this.