Forbidden Love - KazuScara

Sourcless Love - 4

(K)

I really want to know what happened to Scaramouche that day. I could easily hear the failing in his voice as well as seemingly random cracks forming around his wrists, upper arms, and his neck. He seemed to be in pain, I do not know where he is, or if I caused this. I hope he reappears someday, I also hope that that someday is soon... there's something about him that draws me towards him. Though I know not of what it is, it seems that the universe wants something friendly between us.

But why do I feel as if there's something more than friendship that my heart desires...? Something stronger... more... intimate? For the first time in a while, I don't know what I feel.

The wind stays quiet... leaving my heart to wander around the possibilities of love, friendship, hatred, or just forgetting the puppet all together... but I could never do that.

What if I do love him...? Would that even be allowed? Two boys, one a mortal, one the Archon's divine creation... or a just a puppet to him... . Is it wrong? I'm human, he's a 'puppet'... but... I think I love him.... What can I even do about that...?

One of the things I don't know how to read on the wind is my own emotions... I don't know how I feel. He's beautiful, damaged, but beautiful still. He has a softer side, that's who Kunikuzushi was... the tale passed down through the Kaedahara Clan, of Kunikuzushi. He was kind, happy, and he always had a strange interest in bitter tea.

I can barely come to terms that I met the actual boy from the sacred tale of my clan. I think I love him... his presence makes me happy and I believe that I feel a little safer with him around. I want to be close to him more than I do with others. He also calms my forever ongoing urge to keep wandering, never settle anywhere but I feel that I wouldn't mind settling somewhere with Kunikuzushi for a while...

But we'll never be allowed to be together. He's a Harbinger, I'm not. He's a puppet, I'm a mortal. His 'mother' steals visions, Beidou has a vision of her own, so does Ningguang. I consider these two my parents at this point, Beidou takes care of me while her and Ningguang are close. Ningguang also asks Beidou about my wellbeing sometimes.

Our love is forbidden. Completely forbidden.

No matter how much I love him, or how much he may love me, alas, if he is capable to love that is, we'll never be allowed to be together. I wonder if I could ask Captain Beidou about this...? I have told her about the 'tale' of Kunikuzushi.

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(S)

I don't know what this is. What is this feeling...? Why do I feel warm...? I'm mechanical... how does that work? I've heard mortals speak of 'heart-warming' experiences but I don't know what that is? How can a heart feel warm? Why do I feel this? I don't have a heart.... How do I 'love' when I don't have a heart? Do I love him?

What is love?

I've heard mortals talk about loving each other but I don't know what that word means? I sound like a lost fucking child that's new to this world. I don't know what words mean. Stupid. Fucking stupid. I wonder if Childe would know? After all, he's the youngest, he is experiencing life as a normally aged human being. Childe has a habit of trying to befriend me but he also has the habit of teasing me.

I also have no clue where Childe is as of now. He could be right on the other side of Yashiori Island, or all the way in the North-North East for all I know, and or care. Childe's weird. I guess that's all mortals. Except Kazuha...

My pain has completely subsided after a whole goddam day. My whole soul wants to talk to Kazuha again.... I do wonder if he wants to know more though. He sounded like he did... I have no idea about mortals though. That could be a sign of pure disinterest and hatred for all I know. Idk what Kaedahara cares about.

I use my inhuman abilities to pretty much teleport to Kazuha. He's sitting on a rock, his face bathed in the morning sunlight while I linger in the shadows. Idk if Kazuha senses me or something. He seems to be able to. As I observed the boy sitting on the rock, I'm shaken out of my thoughts by his voice.

"Scaramouche? Are you there?" Kaedahara called out

"Mhm. Yea I'm back."

"Ah! Hello! How are you now? Feel any better?" Kaedahara asked me

"Uhm.. hi. I'm better I suppose." I respond

"Oh good! I am glad you feel better now. May I ask what happened back then though?" He says

"...sure. So as you should know... I'm a puppet so I don't have complete free reign in this world. Although I'm completely separated from my 'creator', my own conscience like to contradict itself. I know that I want to say something to you... but my conscience doesn't let me. When I try to do something that it doesn't agree with, the strings the I'm restrained by tighten and fuck up my inner workings. It messes up my voice box and injures my joints so that I can't do that thing that I'm trying to do." I explain to him

"I understand. I promise that whenever you want to talk to me, you can. Please, make sure to remember that" He assured me

"T-thank you."

I was in my more 'human' form. I felt my face heat up...? What does that mean? Why do I feel things for this boy. Before I knew it, a tear rolled out of my eye. This has only happened about thrice before this. I understand this though. At least a little bit.

"H-hey, are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?" Kazuha asks

"I-I.. I'll try to.... Do you mind knowing the rest of my past?"

"No. Please enlighten me, I would like to know about you" he says

"O-okay.... So after my creator left me alone, I was taken in my this strange bladesmith who I later came to know as 'Niwa'. He later disappeared. I feel as if I caused it, for some reason. I didn't do anything.... As far as I know, he just disappeared one day, I don't know why.... He was my first actual friend in this life. He took in a random stranger and took care of him. He took care of me, taught me how to live, eat, drink, although I had to fake it as I don't have to eat, I don't do it much. He gave me tea, and taught me how to do what he did. Anything he was used to doing, he would teach me. Then one day, he disappeared. I don't know if he died that day, I'd someone killed him, or if he lived and just died later in the 5 centuries that I've been here. I feel as if I'm living in guilt.

After that, I left that place. I never went back. Then I met a small child, he was one just like me, a fledgling barely out of the nest. We were both new to life. Later on, he developed a sickness. During this, we would've spent all of our days talking. He told me the tale of the soldier and the ballerina, then I'd go to collect lavender melons, and other food for us. Then he'd tell me more stories. But one day, when I returned from picking lavender melons, I saw him laid on the floor, he was unresponsive, not breathing. Back then, I didn't understand the concept of death. I didn't know that things could die so I blamed his for dying, leaving me alone in this world. So I set the house ablaze and wandered off somewhere which is when I met the leader of the Fatui Harbingers and he took me in."

"I... I am so sorry... I know I can not fix anything but I hope you know that I will be here for you when you need to talk. I am also glad that you knew Niwa-san. He's a staple of our clan, I am thankful that you have given me the opportunity to know more about him. Thank you for trusting me, Kunikuzushi" Kazuha said in response to what I just vented to him.

"I-I'm sorry— I shouldn't have laid all that on you. I-I'll go it's fine"

"Wait, don't. Do not feel guilty about expressing your sadness so someone." Kazuha reassured

"But..."

"No buts. It's okay, I promise" he says once again