The Deputy Headmistress: A Severus Snape Romance

2.Guilt

(Warning- Suicide mentions)

Severus took a stroll around the castle, thinking as usual how his life had taken a U-turn. He must have died in the Shrieking Shack that night. He had done his job for the world, had fulfilled everything that had been entrusted to him. Yet, he survived. He had to live life all over again.

His father had once told him that Severus was nothing but a waste of space, that he had no ambition in life. At that time, he had denied it and lashed out at his father. Thinking back now, he knew his father was right. Severus really did not have any ambition. He had become a Death Eater and put Lily's life in danger. If it weren't for Dumbledore giving him a task, he wouldn't have known what to do or where to be.

That's what was happening now. He didn't know what to do with the rest of his life. He was barely in his forties, and as a wizard, he could live for another century. After the battle he had been in a coma for around 6-7 months. When he woke up he had cried, cried in front of everyone because he had survived.

Then he spent another three months in court trials proving his innocence. Potter, Weasley and Granger had helped him a lot, despite his denial and his statement that he wanted to go to Azkaban. He had wanted his soul to be sucked out. Alas! Nothing happens the way he wants.

Then he resumed teaching. Minerva had become the headmistress. His classes were not the same as before. He had become quieter and more reserved. Unfortunately, later on, Minerva fell victim to an incurable flu in her cat form. Everyone mourned her. He had tried to save her. He had! But he failed. He shut himself in his room for days. He had lost another dear member.

Afterward, he was offered the position of Headmaster since Flitwick and Pomona both didn't want it. He accepted it because being the headmaster meant having limited contact with students and others. He stayed at the castle all year long. He never went back to Spinner's End after the war. He didn't like it. He wasn't brave enough. It brought back bad memories.

He had just survived, and now he had to survive himself. He sighed as he looked across the Black Lake, so quiet and calm, contrary to his inner turmoil. The guilt of his life weighed heavily on him. He looked down at the assortment of stones at the shore of the lake. A very sharp one caught his eye. He picked it up and examined it. It would definitely leave a deep cut.

He placed it at his neck at an angle he knew would be fatal if he slashed it. It was even simpler for him. If he would just make a small slice on the scar he already had from Nagini's attack, blood was sure to seep through, and he would die a painful death. Just what he deserved.

He brought it closer and placed the tip against the scar, piercing the skin. He winced and doubled over in pain. He felt warm liquid on his collar and felt lightheaded. The pain felt good. He felt he deserved it. He deserved it because he blamed others for his own selfishness.

He blamed his parents for their poverty. He blamed his mother for being a coward. He blamed his father for abusing him. He blamed James Potter and Sirius Black for bullying him, for pushing him to the dark side instead of taking responsibility for his own life. He went and got Lily killed. He treated Potter's brat horribly for the seven years of his life. He remembered abusing him during Occlumency lessons.

He remembered verbally abusing Minerva during his tenure as headmaster. He remembered leaving students at the mercy of the Carrow twins. Oh, how much evil he had done. Charity's face appeared before his eyes as he felt the stone piercing his skin deeper.

We're Friends Severus. Severus Please. She had pleaded. He did nothing, instead just stared at her as the Dark Lord killed her, and later vomited at the sight of her corpse being devoured by that wretched snake. He fell to the ground, and his body started shaking. His lungs tightened, and he gasped for air.

Severus Please! Albus had requested him. His hand outstretched towards Severus as he fell off the astronomy tower.

Potter's anguished face, questioning him with venom. How dare you stand where he stood?

The look on Lily's face when he had called her a Mudblood. Fine,' she had coolly responded'I won't bother in future. And I'd wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus.

Dumbledore's cutting words, You disgust me!

All these visions swarm before his eyes and Severus felt a content smile on his lips. He was finally going to die. Yes!

He felt warm huge hands envelope him and lift him from the ground. He felt like he was floating. Maybe he was already dead. Maybe the angels are lifting him. After a long time of floating, he felt himself being lowered onto a soft, flat surface.

He struggled to open his eyes, but when he did, he saw Poppy's face hovering over him. She was too close for his liking, prodding him in his neck. The feeling was numb. Her mouth was moving, and he strained to hear what she was saying. Something like, "Third time, Severus," "I won't let you die on me."

Please woman just let me die. Severus thought.

Gradually, drowsiness washed over him, making him sleepy. He could no longer keep his eyes open. Darkness consumed his vision, and Severus descended into nothingness.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

"Severus"
Was it the fates calling him?

"Severus can you hear me son?"
Son? Could it be his deceased mother?

"Severus I want you to lift your finger if you can hear me?"

He made a slow attempt to raise his fingers and felt them move. "Okay. Good, good. Very good. Now, try to open your eyes slowly." Severus braced himself for his first glimpse of the afterlife, but the brightness overwhelmed him, causing him to shut his eyes tightly.

With another cautious effort, he tried opening them again, and this time he could make out the face of a woman hovering above him. He faintly recognized her.

"Can you see me, Severus?" he blinked in response. "Okay, I'll take that as a yes. You won't be able to speak for a few hours. I've sedated you and temporarily paralyzed your vocal cords." The woman sighed. Slowly, Severus realized it was Poppy Pomfrey.

Looking around, he discovered he was in Hogwarts' hospital wing. "Uh huh, don't move your neck. It will only worsen things." After a brief pause, she spoke again. "Yesterday, Hagrid found you near the lake, unconscious and drenched in blood." Her words were filled with frustration as she spoke.

"He found this bloody stone in your hand." She showed him the stone he had used to take his life. She threw it away in anger. His eyes blew wide. "This is the third time you have tried to die. I will not tolerate this behavior from you anymore. Beware that I will always be here to fucking save your life." By now she was almost yelling at him and he saw a single tear roll out of her eye.

Severus felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. He felt like a burden to everyone now. True, it was his third attempt. The first time, he had poisoned himself. The second time, he had foolishly tried to meet his end by provoking the Whomping Willow. Everyone had been worried, and he only grew more withdrawn. Lost in his thoughts, he was brought back when Poppy spoke with a tinge of disappointment. "You can leave tomorrow once you can speak clearly. For now, rest." She turned and disappeared from his field of vision.