Realm Of Hopes || Anthology

EMERALDINK: SIL

Strength In Limitations
EmeraldInk

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Pâro: the relentless feeling that everything you do will always somehow be wrong.

It was the first word that came to mind as I looked at the pile of dirty laundry, the unwashed dishes in the sink, the books haphazardly stacked upon my bed sheets. The house was a mess and it stared at me - a living, breathing thing that judged me and mocked me.

"Stupid child!" they seem to say. "What a bum." "Has she no shame?" "How could you let it get this bad?"

My mother's voice floated above the taunting, cold and stern. I could almost picture her face as if she was still here on Earth. "Cici!" she said. "How are you ever going to have a big, beautiful home if you couldn't even take care of a small one?"

I pretended not to hear them and slumped down on the floor by the side of the bed. I wrapped my arms around my knees and pulled them close to my chest. I wanted to play music, but the phone seemed too far away, and I was already comfortable with how I sat.

"Why do you do this to yourself?" Another voice, this time inside my head, piped up. "It's so easy, you know. Just get up and clean it up. It's not like you can do any work in this condition anyway."

I tried to block out the voices but they only grew louder.

"You're just lazy! You're just a bum who can't do anything right!"

"Yeah, you could have a clean home and a clean bed to sleep on tonight, but as usual you're just going to sit here and cry."

"This is why nobody loves you."

"This is why you can't be successful."

"How can you ever amount to greatness when you can't take care of yourself at all?"

I curled up on the floor, my hands wrapped tightly around my ears as I sobbed my heart out. I'm tired. So, so tired. Why wouldn't they leave me alone? They were right, of course, but why do they have to say it? Why do they have to be so mean? I already know I'm a failure. I don't need to be constantly reminded of it.

"Cici? Cici!" Someone was calling my name, but I didn't dare look up. They should just leave me alone, whoever they are. I'm not fit to be in anyone's company, not now and not ever. My life is a mess. I am a mess. Just like my house.

"Cici!" The voice sounded closer then, but I still didn't open my eyes. If I did, my tears would spill onto the floor; another sad, stupid mess that I couldn't clean up. Then I felt it. Fingers caressing my forehead, gently brushing the hair out of my face. Slowly, I fluttered my eyelids open, and saw gentle brown eyes staring back at me.

"Shelly," I choked on a sob.

"It's alright," she whispered as she rubbed circles on my back. "In for 4, hold for 7, out for 8. Breathe, Cici, breathe." I did as I was told, counting like my life depended on it. Gradually, the world stopped spinning. The ringing in my ears ceased. I could see her clearly now, and the lights didn't seem so disorienting.

"I did it again, didn't I?" I mumbled.

"It's okay," Shelly replied. "I'm here." She kept on stroking my hair, making soothing noises alongside it. "Stay here, alright. I'll get you a cup of cocoa." She covered me with a blanket before walking away. I stared at her slippers as she walked to the kitchen.

I couldn't see her anymore, but I could hear her humming. I could hear the swish swash of clothes being placed in the wash, the water running. I could smell the citrusy scent of the dishwashing liquid.