daylight | sebastian stan x fem!oc

learning to breathe

CHARMAINE SAT IN HER LIVING ROOM, her therapist sitting across from her. She has been speaking to her therapist since the day after her Father's number got shut off. 

"Have you texted anyone back as we discussed?" Her therapist, Gina, asked. She gave Charmaine a knowing look, which made Charmaine tap her fingers against her thigh.

"No. I.. couldn't. I don't know how to talk to anyone." Charmaine admitted, looking down at her hands, picking at her nails, which were already as short as can be.

"Quit with the nail picking." Gina looked at Charmaine, and Charmaine looked back up at her, putting her hands back down to her side. "The people texting you are your friends, they only want for you to be okay. They will understand, I'm sure they already do. But the longer you take to give a response, the higher their worries become."

"I understand that, but I feel like they just... will bombard me. Ask questions, be upset with me for worrying them, and ask if I'm okay.. which I'm not. And if I tell them that, they'll try to fix it. Which they can't." Charmaine took in a shaky breath after she spoke, looking at Gina.

"And how do you know they can't help you?" Gina raised an eyebrow, looking at Charmaine. "You haven't spoken to them. You can't know if they are the thing you need to feel better unless you speak to them."

"But what would I even say?" Charmaine scoffed, raising her hands in confusion.

"Start with hey." Gina smiled, tilting her head slightly at Charmaine.

"What? I haven't spoken to them in a week.. and I'm just supposed to say, "Hey everyone! Missed you all so so much!" Charmaine gave an annoyed laugh, slapping her hands back down on her thighs in annoyance.

"Nope. Just hey. Start with that. And when you're ready, tell them how you are in a summarized sentence. Don't give all the details. They'll be so relieved to hear from you they won't ask for more." Gina took a sip of the water Charmaine had given to her. 

Charmaine thought in silence for a moment, watching Gina drinking out of the glass cup of water. Charmaine's mind flashed to the memory of the sound of the tea cups crashing into the floor and shattering. Charmaine took in a breath, snapping out of her memory, before speaking up. 

"Well.. okay. I guess. I'll try." Charmaine shrugged.

After Gina swallowed the sip of water she had taken a drink of, she spoke and set the glass back down on the dining room table.

"How have you been sleeping?" Gina grabbed her pencil, getting ready to write something on her clipboard.

"Uh.. fine," Charmaine answered simply, rubbing the back of her neck.

"I'll need more than that, Charmaine. You know that." Gina smiled, looking up from the clipboard to look at Charmaine.

"Well, I've been sleeping for like at least 4 hours now.. and I've been able to take naps during the day when I feel exhausted without waking up from a nightmare. So I would say.. doing better." Charmaine took her hand off the back of her neck and set her hand down on her thigh, taking a deep breath in.

Gina smiled, writing. "That's amazing Charmaine. You should be incredibly proud of yourself." The therapist pulled her head up from her clipboard, looking at Charmaine. "And when you wake up, what's your routine for the mornings?" She asked.

"Uh, I wake up... I check my phone. I look back at old messages with my Dad, set the phone down, brush my teeth, shower, eat a bowl of cereal, sit at my TV, scroll Instagram, take a nap through lunch, wake up and make dinner or order Chinese takeout, and then lay in bed and read until I fall asleep." Charmaine listed off the components of her day, looking up at the ceiling to help her remember. 

Once she finished speaking, she looked back at Gina, who had been writing and nodding her head at every step of her day.

"You said you wake up and look at the messages with your Father, correct?" Gina raised an eyebrow, looking up from her clipboard and at Charmaine.

"Yes... that's correct." Charmaine nodded, looking at Gina, a bit of a confused tone in her voice.

"What do you feel when you finish looking through those messages with him?" Gina continued to look at her, her eyes soft and her voice gentle.

Charmaine cleared her throat, her eyes slightly widened at the question, and started to water a bit before she looked up and wiped them. "Stupid. Useless. Completely and utterly stupid and useless." She let out a strained laugh, before wiping her tears.

"And whys that, Charmaine?" Gina asked.

Charmaine swallowed, looking at her hands. "Because he's gone, and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't reverse it, I feel like he's slowly slipping away with every text I read, every day that is added from when we last spoke, every minute I think about him." Charmaine, wiped her tears, sniffling.

"Except that he isn't, Charmaine." Gina moved forward, placing her hand on Charmaine's. Charmaine looked at Gina. "Your Father will never leave you. He's with you, just because you can't see him doesn't mean he isn't there. And the fact you can admit how you feel when you think about him is an amazing part of the healing process. You're healing, Charmaine. And your Father is watching you get better. I promise."

 Gina squeezed Charmaine's hand, before pulling it away. 

"If he's watching he must think I'm really stupid." Charmaine scoffed, laughing and wiping her tears. 

Gina smiled, looking at Charmaine. "Or he thinks you're incredibly strong. What you're doing, how you're healing, is something a lot of people would be envious of." Gina put her clipboard in her purse, standing up.

Charmaine stood up, looking at her. "Times up?" Charmaine asked, turning to look at the clock in her living room.

Gina nodded. "Yep. And I think this session was your best yet."

Charmaine smiled, lifting her arms out towards Gina. "Can I hug you?" Charmaine giggled softly, looking at Gina.

Gina laughed, hugging Charmaine. Once they pulled apart, Charmaine saw Gina out, and closed the door behind her.

Charmaine sighed deeply, letting a breath in, and letting a breath out. She walked over to her nightstand, picking up her phone that was sitting face down. Charmaine unlocked the phone, opened her text messages, and let out a breath of air.

"Just start with hey." She mumbled to herself, walking over to her bed and laying down, looking back at her phone.