Adam - A Novella

13

"Where were you?" My mother looked up from the mixing stand which was straining to mix the thick dough. My mom donned a multicolored apron, pink-checkerboard button up tee, and matching white skirt with pink dress shoes.

"Out." I replied, my lack of energy signals suddenly going haywire as I kicked off my tennis shoes. I double-took her outfit. "What's with the get-up?" My mother turned to me, and I could see the irritated tissue around her eyes from crying.

"Church." I forgot it was already Sunday. I've been gone since early this morning, excited to embrace a day off school to spend with Caleb, that I completely forgot I was supposed to start going back to church with my mom. After I got out of the hospital, we agreed for me to go back to church with her in exchange for not talking about my sexuality with or around her. "They found out about you." She said matter-of-factly, like I had committed a crime that I needed to cover.

"I'm sorry." I wasn't. Not at all. Real Adam, not Regular, wasn't sorry at all. It was the best feeling in the world. I wanted to shout from the rooftops, tell my school, tell the church myself: I am not ashamed. But my mother has other plans, and she'd rather have Cool or even Regular Adam as a son. She silently tossed a small, clear glass bowl with a dry granule into the whirring machine.

"Shut up." I laughed the words into my phone, perched on my ear. Caleb's voice came through even softer in the phone speaker, which made my heart melt. He laughed and continued lightly making fun of me, clearly enjoying his mockery.

"I'm just saying, your handwriting could use some work."

"You're one to talk."

"I'm amazing at cursive. It's not my fault it's not standard anymore."

"That's not very 'Adapt and Overcome' of you."

He began to make a witty remark, but he paused, and his voice deflated.

"Hey Adam, I gotta go. We're going to go see Amy right now."

"Oh. Okay." The silence was loud. Well, mostly silence, except our fans in the background working overtime. He inhaled a couple times, like he was going to say something, before going silent again. I did too. I wanted to say more, keep laughing and joking, but the energy was gone. I smiled into the phone, knowing he was there, just listening to me breathe, and letting me listen to him. I hope he was smiling too.

We were probably silent for a full minute before he repeated, "I gotta go."

"Ok, I'll talk to you later. I love you." The words slipped out of my mouth. Faster than I could process, filter, remove. Real Adam is too real. Caleb's breath hitched in his throat, and for a second, I thought I scared him. And maybe I did. But his almost-whisper tone and airy pitch reassured me only a few seconds later.

"I love you too. Goodbye." The hang up tone beeped in my ear before I pulled it away. My hands were shaking with adrenaline. His mother and sister were in the room, they heard him. I heard him. I felt like a lovesick preteen picking petals off a daisy and landing on "He loves me"; reeling with joy and excitement for the future. I pushed my hair out of my face and let my forehead soak up the air from the metal fan to my left, evaporating the sweat that had condensated.

"Adam?" My mother's voice right behind the fan spooked me a bit. Her eyes were very puffy, and her mascara had smeared a bit on her waterline. "Your father is here."

He was. Sitting in the old, crusty rocking chair, drinking a can of his favorite beer. I felt my fists clench on my sides. Cool Adam shot back, and for a second, I missed the true life he had. "You are here." Augustus croaked, clearly already drunk out of his mind. He was wearing fresh clothes, and the pickup truck was pulled in front of the mobile home awkwardly, like he'd jumped out in a hurry. I straightened my back and prepared for a fight. But he didn't stand, simply stared at the TV as if it was on. "I've got some rules for you, boy, and you're going to follow them." My mom snuffled, holding my sister by her shoulder to her side. Mavia looked petrified, which made my fists tighten around themselves more.

"I don't want to hear about this 'Gay' thing again. You hear me?" I nodded.

"That means no 'boyfriends', no 'sexual identity', none of that." The exaggerated air quotes were unnecessary, but I nodded anyway.

"You still with that Avalin girl?" I nodded, wishing I could shake my head. My heart still strived for Cool Adam again, holding on to the last piece of him it could.

"You don't leave her, you hear?" I stared with my chin tilted up. He stood up and faced me completely. "Do you hear me ‽" I nodded a very small nod, and my mouth scrunched into a grimace. "Good. I want to pretend that never happened." I genuinely couldn't tell if he meant my suicide attempt or me unconventionally coming out. He reached for the remote to click on the TV and gestured to the fridge for me to get him a beer. "You were such a good kid too." He mumbled, but I heard him. I didn't get him the beer, and instead beelined for my bedroom while my sister hurriedly ran to grab it while he yelled in my direction.

Augustus being back was the worst thing that happened to me all month. I couldn't bring myself to call or answer Caleb, or Avalin, or anyone. I began to feel my depression return, my rage stir, my self-hatred return. As I flipped around on my bed, I realized it wasn't me coming out that killed Cool Adam, but my father. Cool Adam was Augustus's child. I don't want to be Cool Adam ever again. Not anymore.

I don't want to be his child anymore.