A phantasy script.

A Phantasy Star Part 15: Pig 'N' Beer

The party enter the tavern and are immediately hit with the stench of age-old beer and wine as they push the door open. General Mood's face shows slight disgust at the smell as the party then find that there are twenty tavern goers inside, all enjoying themselves and swilling drinks around.

Jokesum: I'll get the first round, fellas! Beer all round?

General: Make mine a stout, I'm feeling in more of a...pickled liver kind of way.

Berd: Oh! I'll have a beer with an egg if they have any!

Fylec: Think I'll pass on the egg, but I'll take a red wine with some pork scratchings please!

As his party sits down, though puzzled at Fylec's request, Jokesum makes his way past drunken tavern goers until he reaches the bar where he is greeted by a seven foot tall, muscular female bar tender.

Elenor: Oh! Hello there! Welcome to the Pig 'N' Beer! What will it be?

Jokesum looks up at her, straining his neck as he does so as he is only four foot tall.

Jokesum: Thanks for the welcome! My party and I would love to have three beers, one red wine. An egg and some pork scratchings please, milady!

Elenor the barkeep bends down and then sees Jokesums party wave at him.

Elenor: Your pleasantries are welcome, though not necessary. I am Elenor, the barkeep. I will get right on your three beers and...red wine. We are fresh out of eggs, sorry! However, we do have pickled clams?

Jokesum looks at Elenor skeptically as she mentions her name, though her tall appearance does not look like the Android that he had seen before.

Jokesum: Thank you for correcting me, Elenor. We will happily take your pickled clams, I thank you!

Pouring the three beers out, then quizzically looking at Jokesum as she pours the red wine, Elenor then hands Jokesum a tray with all four drinks on and tosses him the pork scratchings. Catching the cloth wrapped scratchings in his mouth, Elenor looks impressed as she then hands him the pickled clams in a fishing net. Walking back to his party, Jokesum then spits the pork scratchings at Fylec and places the tray down. Then giving the bag of clams to Berd, Jokesum takes his seat and begins drinking his beer.

Berd: The heck is this, no eggs? How do they not have eggs?

Jokesum chugs his beer, wipes his mouth then slams his beer down hard with a belch.

Jokesum: Elenor the barkeep...

Fylec: Wait! That is this realities version of Elenor? She was so small and timid before! Wow, that's a tall woman!

Jokesum frowns at Fylec as he was cut off from speaking.

Jokesum: Yes! Anyway, she was saying how they were fresh out. Sorry my dude!

General Mood sips his beer, an off-ish tastes hits his tongue as his eyes then dart over to Elenor. Putting his beer down, after wiping his mouth off, General Mood then worries.

General: I wouldn't have drunk so much of that beer, Jokesum. It tastes off to me.

As Jokesum finishes his beer, he pauses after hearing General Mood then puts the empty flaggon down.

Berd: I'm going to pass on the clams, they smell as fresh as off can be!

Fylec sniffs his red wine, an odour of some kind of flower passes into his nostrils as he gags then puts his glass down. Picking up the cloth full of pork scratchings, Fylec then notices that it is wriggling with maggots.

Fylec: Okay, this place is definitely not getting a good review from me! Jokesum, how are you feeling?

Jokesum belches once more, turns around and looks at Elenor then hits the floor and passes out.

General: Okay! Fylec, trying cure wounds on Jokesum. I'm going to have a pointy word with this wench!

Angered by Jokesum collapsing, General Mood gets up swiftly and pushes drunken patriots aside as he closes in on Elenor behind the bar. Upon reaching the bar area, General Mood senses that a dangerous situation is at hand.

General: Hello there, barkeep! Our friend, here, has passed out. Is there any water on tap that I can wake him up with?

Elenor smirks, looking at Jokesum passed out on the floor. Her demeanor changes when she is asked for water as she had assumed, from General Mood's angered look upon his face when he strolled up to the bar, that he would want trouble. Reaching down below the bar, Elenor then drags a flaggon through a bucket of water and places it upon the bar.

Elenor: Why of course! So sorry if our beer was too strong for him.

As General Mood picks up the water and walks away, a few of the tavern drunks look at him and get out of his way. Making his way back to his seat, General Mood then lifts Jokesum's head up and guides water down his throat.

Fylec: Well, are we in trouble?

General: As far as I am aware, yes. Though, thankfully as I didn't raise any suspicion, nothing is going to happen.

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, Berd stands up and shoots five arrows at the bar-tender. Hitting Elenor straight in her chest.

Berd: Enough talk! If we want out of here, and to get Jokesum awake we need to fight!

Elenor roars a powerful, loud roar, as the patrons of the tavern then all stop what they are doing and all look at the party of three.

Fylec: It was not fighting time! Geez, I'd barely begun casting my healing spell on Jokesum!

Unleashing another roar, Elenor then controls the patrons into slowly advancing upon the party.

General: Well, if this beer is full of crap...let's do this!

With a sudden slamming of his sword, General Mood then begins to push three of the patrons back using his sword more like a battering ram.

Berd: Alright! Get on board, Fylec!

With a mild frustration look upon his face, Berd then shoots another four arrows at Elenor. Hitting her face with two while the other two shoot behind her into a wall.

Fylec: Alright, but this heal isn't going to be pretty!

Fylec, flustered from being rushed, casts a quick small heal upon the downed Jokesum then immediately pushes two tavern patrons back with his staff. As the healing effect hits Jokesum he begins to stand, then turns around abruptly. His eyes seeping black smoke, he begins to let our a low roar as his hands once again form a black orb which is then fired forward from himself. As the black orb shot forward, eight patrons that are in its way are damaged in half making them collapse to the ground. Elenor begins an attack; she leaps over the bar and lands with a *thud* as she then hits away four patrons with her right fist. Angering, from being hit by Berd's arrows, Elenor then directs a sonic shriek in his direction. Berd holds his head in pain as the loud noise almost deafens him. Letting his bow drop to the floor, Berd then agonizingly lifts his head up and throws two of his daggers into Elenor's direction while she continues to shriek at him. The daggers hit their mark; landing in the back of Elenor's throat as she screams in pain, lifting her head up as she scratches fervently at her neck. Seeing the weakened state of Elenor, General Mood jumps over the patrons that he was holding and slashes at Elenor's stomach, gashing her badly as her guts spill out. His eyes still darkened, Jokesum then summons a dark beam directly at Elenor's open wound, shooting straight through her and into the back of the tavern. The fight is over, as the patrons dissolve into nothing and the party gather around the dying Elenor.

Berd: Your beer is crap, by the way!

Elenor: You...should be thankful...that I didn't...kick your...head in when...you approached...the bar.

General Mood suddenly kicks Elenor in the lower jaw, dislodging it.

General: Enough talk! Your tricks and magic is nothing compared to our knowledge of a trap!

Beginning to fizzle into the ground of the tavern, Elenor gives the party two middle fingers as she eventually becomes one with the floor.

Jokesum: Phew! Thank you Fylec for the heal! Fudge that beer!

Fylec: Hey, no problem pal! Glad you're back to yourself!

Berd: Oh! Level up! Yes, nice one gents!

General: I'd say, one beer for the road...but, look at this bar! What the heck was this?

Bending down to the ground, slightly in front of the bar, Jokesum notices a latch in the floor.

Jokesum: See if she's got some loot?

Berd: Hell yeah! Let's see what we can gain!

Fylec hi-fives each member of his party, slightly healing them as he does. Slamming his fist down onto the latch, General Mood lifts the entire trap door up with it still on his fist.

Fylec: Well, shiitake mushrooms! General, you leveled up in strength!

General: Yeah! Holy smokes, I only meant to grab the latch!

Chuckling at General Mood, who then removes the trap door from his hand, the party then venture down into the cellar of the tavern. Entering a five metre long room, that is lit with candles on the walls, the party sees that the cellar contains armor and weapons. Presumably from previous folks that had ventured into the tavern by mistake.

Jokesum: Okay, well I need armor. Yes, I can one hit some enemies into oblivion with that blast, but I'd love to be able to withstand some hits.

Berd: Yes, I think I'm feeling the same way. I can shoot like a good one, but I'm also lacking in armor.

Fylec casts Detect Magic on the entire room, everything lights up.

Fylec: Holy...this room, is amazing! No wonder Elenor wanted to kill us too! Let's grab the things we need, armor and possibly weapons if needs be then make like a tree and get out of here!

The other party members slap their own faces at Fylec's pun then begin their looting of armor and weapons.

General: Did you get a new weapon, Jokesum?

Brandishing a dark oak rod, Jokesum nods at General Mood.

Jokesum: Oh yeah!

Berd: Also, our armor looks bad-ass!

Both team members armor glistens as they turn to face General Mood, who then covers his eyes slightly from the glare.

Fylec: Alright, I've got a stabby-mc stabberson knife. Close combat can be a female dog!

General: Yeah, we got lucky that she was ten metres away from us and that those fake people were in her way.

Jokesum: Closing time, let's go!

Berd: Agreed!

As the party make their way up out of the cellar and out of the tavern, the entire building collapses in on itself until it is no more than rubble. Onlookers gasps as the party casually make their way to the docks.

Jokesum: Okay, now that we are more equipped, let's ask the harbor master for directions to...maybe an eerie? You know, for the Phoenix.

General: Ah, I think I see him now! That...wait, sorry her now! The one with the notepad looking thing.