Sturniolo triplets - Oh To Be Loud (Matt-centric story about mental health)

How It Started

Trigger Warnings: References to Depression, Mental Health Issues, Arguments, Swearing

Nick and Chris confront Matt about his recent weird behaviour, he can't handle it and runs away

The Story:

Home, Monday, 14:30h

From the second Matt opened his eyes he knew it was going to be a bad day. 

After some fumbling with his hand in the dark, he managed to locate his phone on the nightstand and raise it slightly to check the time. He begrudgingly threw off the covers, but otherwise remained plastered to the bed, mentally convincing himself to get up for the day. 

He could feel the pain in his chest and already knew how the next few hours will go like; he will continue to lay in bed, head empty for a while, until he will eventually gather enough energy to pick up his phone and move on to scrolling through the same three apps he always does for about an hour, before the need to relieve himself will finally win over and force him to slowly make his way to the bathroom. The pressure in his chest not letting up for a moment.

This has (more or less) been his "routine" for the past couple of years, but recently the time spent motionlessly lying around has started getting longer and getting up just a bit harder. Matt might be young but he wasn't that naïve, he knew what this meant, he's been able to recognise the signs for years now. 

It starts with him getting sad over things that usually wouldn't get to him, like his brothers' less-sensitive jokes, a sad scene in a series or even a TikTok. With this sadness came random waves of heightened anxiety, seemingly without a cause. He could be lying in bed one moment relatively fine and the next he feels pressure his chest, his breaths short and mind foggy. But as fucked up as that sounds, this state is still far better than the one that often follows; the gradual loss of any and all energy, motivation and finally his emotions. 

Matt is a relatively quiet person already (at least compared with his brothers), meeting and getting close to new people has always been hard for him. He knows exactly why; it's not like he doesn't have anything to say, despite the popular belief, he does have a lot of interesting thoughts and opinions to add, so he knows exactly what he wants to say, but in the moment (either with people he isn't close with or on camera) he can't seem to be able to physically force himself to open his mouth and start speaking. 

If that wasn't enough, he is with his brothers in most of these settings, and since they are so much more energetic, assertive and loud, he doesn't always get enough time and understanding needed in order to push the words out. It's not like he blames them though, he loves them and their boisterous personalities and wishes he could be so honest and unapologetically himself as well. But that leads him to the other reason for his mostly self-designated silence – why would he speak, when there are two better other versions of himself already doing it? Nick and Chris always have been and always will be naturally funnier, quicker, louder and more intense in the best way. He doesn't struggle with this anymore, not really, he's accepted this as a fact long ago, after countless hours of denial, overthinking and struggling with the unavoidable realisation that he just can't match his brothers. 

Matt sometimes wonders how he'd turn out or function if he was on his own - when his depression makes him particularly resentful he thinks he'd be just as loud and funny if he'd just gotten a chance, but such thoughts get quickly replaced by those of guilt and shame, he knows he's just making up excuses. Regardless of the reasons, the fact remains that he is generally quite reserved in his interactions, which gets even worse and (as some people have pointed out) more annoying when his depression inevitably drains what little spark he had in him before. The sadness gets slowly replaced with a painful emptiness he can't escape, not that he has the energy to really try.