Sturniolo triplets - Oh To Be Loud (Matt-centric story about mental health)

One Step Forward

Trigger Warnings: Guilt, Mental Health Issues, Anger, Emotional Outbursts, Grief, Mourning

Matt isn't handling his grief so he decides to talk to someone unexpected about Rue

The Story:

The next two weeks dragged on forever but also passed by like a blur, Matt didn't remember much of them anyway. 

After eventually making it home that night, they all took warm showers, drank hot tea and went to bed together under a pile of blankets, but they still got sick. Nick and Chris weren't as bad off as Matt, but they were still pretty sick, so taking care of each other was a hassle. They took turns bringing each other medicine, ordering food deliveries and making tea, then slept most of the time, so they got by in the end.

Matt's recovery was taking a bit longer, since he was so weak mentally as well. His fever was quite high for a while and his whole body hurt. But he was never left alone, they spent the two weeks mostly cuddled up together, sleeping or watching movies on their laptop.

As Matt's fever started dropping and he got more coherent, all he could think about was Rue and his grief. It didn't matter that he was sick, he would've spent his time crying in bed all the same.

Nick and Chris got over their sickness a few days earlier, but continued taking care of Matt and they took turns staying in bed by his side at all times. 

Every time Matt started crying, one of them would hug him close and start whispering words of comfort, reassuring him it wasn't his fault, that he can take all the time to grieve he needed, they would remain by his side always and encouraged him to let it all out and to talk about her if it helped him.

Matt got over his cold after two weeks, but remained glued to the bed for another one, spending his days crying and taking short naps. 

He could never sleep for more hours at a time anymore due to the intense nightmares; they varied, but all of them involved either his brothers or Rue getting hurt or dying and him not being able to save them. In his dream, they all blamed him for ruining their lives.

He brought it up one night when Chris was trying to convince him to go to sleep and needless to say he didn't take it well.

"Oh Matt... we really don't blame you for anything that happened these past months. Sometimes... sometimes things just go horribly wrong for no reason. And you never have to feel guilty for not doing enough, you literally fought two guys for insulting Nick and then took a knife to the side for me. You were depressed and hurting but you still chose to struggle and make a real effort to get better, I can't even imagine how hard that is. You are doing amazing, you are far kinder and stronger than you give yourself credit for. But we see it, Matt, we see you. And we love you so much it's unreal, I'm so glad we get to spend our lives together", Chris was hugging Matt to his chest and ran his hand through his hair, speaking quietly and with such affection it made Matt tear up again.

"It doesn't feel like that though", Matt said, sniffing.

"It will. Just give it time", Chris reassured again.

They fell asleep like that and Matt went through the whole night without any nightmares.

Three weeks after finding out about Rue, Matt was still grieving but he started getting restless. And whereas he was initially feeling mostly sad, guilty or confused, these emotions started being overtaken by those of anger. 

At some moments, he was so unbelievably angry he didn't know what to do with himself, he never felt such pure anger, bordering on actual hate before, at least not towards someone he cared for.