Sturniolo triplets - Oh To Be Loud (Matt-centric story about mental health)

Deafening Silence

Trigger Warnings: Character Death, Suicide (minor character), Panic Attacks, Mental Health Issues, Vomiting, Grief, ... 

Matt gets some very horrible news and it sends him spiralling

The Story:

Home, Saturday, 9pm

With Matt

After recording their first car video back together they quickly settled back into their old routines; they kept Wednesdays and Fridays as their post-days, but agreed to make the videos just a little bit shorter, so it wouldn't get too much for Matt, who was still getting used to recording and 'putting himself out there' again.

They weren't sleeping together every night anymore, but it also wasn't unusual for Matt to go to bed alone and wake up with at least one brother next to him... Nightmares...

He still struggled a lot, but they sat down one evening, after a particularly bad day, and made a 'coping' plan together, which he was committed to sticking to. 

The plan included eating at least one healthy, nutritious meal a day, at least half an hour of whatever physical activity he chose (usually walks or a basketball game), at least one chore around the house (no matter how small), any hobby he wanted and most importantly, talking with at least one of them about how he was feeling that day and an additional random topic.

They also always made time for at least two fun, low-energy activities outside their home per week, so they started golfing more regularly, going to the movies, bowling, visiting the arcade, playing hockey, going out with friends and so on. 

Sometimes they went with friends, sometimes the three of them together, but they also started hanging out more in pairs between them. They discovered they really connected more in the past few months and despite all the hardships, or maybe because of them, their bonds seemed stronger than ever before.

There was just one major thing holding Matt back from feeling truly free at this point, and that was his insecurities and resulting self-worth issues in comparison to his brothers. 

He already realised that Nick and Chris never compared him with themselves like that and that they loved him as he was, Matt also knew that other people comparing them was inevitable and it wasn't like he cared about their opinion, so that wasn't really an issue. 

The problem was that he always compared himself to them and felt inferior because he couldn't see the worth of his own good qualities. He didn't think they were as noticeable, on bad days he couldn't even name any. 

And while he logically understood that there was nothing wrong with his personality and characteristics, what he felt deep in his heart was another thing.

Matt didn't know how to talk to anyone about this, much less with Nick and Chris. He thought about telling them so many times now, but he just didn't feel ready yet. He also didn't know how to voice his thoughts without making it sound like it was in any way their fault or whatever. 

He knew they still blamed themselves for him getting hurt, so he didn't need to add another thing to the list. And so he just didn't say anything.

Another thing bothering him was his relationship (or the lack thereof) with Rue; after she hasn't been responding to his texts, he eventually decided to call her, but she must have blocked him, since his calls weren't getting through. 

Matt assumed she probably felt guilty for leaving him alone that night or she felt put-off after meeting his brothers. Either way, he wanted to see her again desperately, not just to reassure her that he was okay and didn't blame her, but also just because he missed her.