Between fate and misfortune

Chapter 1

I don't know where to start. Or rather, where shall I begin?.
Throughout my entire life I've always had this one and indefinite mindset.

And that was to be at the top of everything.

I paved my way to be better than everyone.

I was the top-student throughout my whole school. I was good at every sport and every subject. If anyone were to challenge me, I would win. I was good at arts and would perform the highest on each and every exam.

It was impossible for me to fail.

And I made sure to keep it that way

You could say I had a very easy going life. A kind of life where you only needed to be hard working and open-minded to succeed in the tasks you were given. A kind of life where things were handed to you and you were eating right out of the palm of that person's hand. A kind of life in which you were viewed as perfect, nice, exceedingly wealthy.. and fairly smart.

I mean, of course this was all true. You could even say that that was the type of life I was living. A perfect yet bitter life that was handed to me unconsciously.

And while it was so perfect, I wanted to believe it was real.

The real life I had were the millions of faces that hid behind the word "perfect". I wanted so badly to be perfect to the point I ended up destroying myself in the process.

Whether it be my life I destroyed or somebody else's. If I hadn't did what I did in the past...

My life was going to be an endless hell that I wouldn't be able to awake from.

Of course I've always thought and wondered to myself a single question; What if the things that occurred back then never happened?. Would it even possibly change anything?. The question played over and over again, just rotting in the back of my mind, always finding a way to remind me of what I did.

Something that always came back to haunt me.

Had I felt guilty?

I did.

Had I felt pain because of it?

Absolutely.

Any remorse for it?

Tons of it.

Did I regret it??

"..."

Not at all.

Plenty of things were felt that day and yet, I couldn't bring myself to regret any moment of it.

Perhaps I enjoyed it, or maybe I hated it. But what I do know is that I had no choice. Well.., atleast that is what I pushed upon myself to think.

.....

"Ciaran?"
..
"Ciaran.??"

My mind traced back into reality and here I was again. Standing right in front of the large sheet of paper that was able to control my entire life. The top-students list.

"Hey man, you zoned out again"
"Everything alright with you?"

"Everything's fine..I just thought about something for a moment."

"Ehh? If you say so"

...

"Oh, look Ciaran!, looks like you're the top-student again this year. Number 1 huh?"

"Yeah..I guess you could say that."

"Ha .."

"Hmm..but haven't you been working a little too hard this year.."

"Seems like you've been working passed your limit lately.."
"You know...me and Skylar have been getting a little worried about your health.."

"You sure you can keep at it? It'll be alright if you dropped down to second you know.."

.....

"...well sometimes....you just have to do what you gotta do in order to get the things you want in life."
"And unfortunately, this was that thing"

"You.."

I could feel his face shift in emotion. It was as if he was holding back a mountain of words he wanted to say to me. I could see his teeth grit and his eyes flinch as if he could be somewhat drowned in anger or..concerned for my well-being.

"Well if you've got nothing more to say, then I guess I'll be on my way.."

With nothing further to say
I walked away

"YOU..!"

"DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING YOURSELF INTO..!"

He grabbed my arm and prevented me from walking any further.

"WHAT YOUR DOING IS FUCKING DANGEROUS..."

"HOW THE HELL CAN YOU BE FINE WITH WHAT YOURE DOING..!"

"..."

"how could this possibly concern you .."

"You and Skylar knew about everything already right?'

"So why are you speaking about this now?"

His grip on my arm started to loosen itself.

He looked away and our eyes didn't meet again. I could tell that even though he was silent, he still had plenty more he wanted to say to me.

"You know...you can be a real pain in the ass sometimes.."

I looked back at him and even though he was looking away from me, I saw tears that were streaming slowly down his face.

"..."

"Ah.."

I pulled him in and caught him in my embrace. In this hug, I couldn't feel his emotions pouring out of him. Instead, it was cold and derived any lingering feelings that were held deep inside of him.

"There's nothing you can do to help Soren."
"I've chose this path alone."
"So in the end, it'll also be me to walk it alone"
"So please. Stop trying to.."

I could barely finish my sentence before he pulled out of my embrace and looked at me with a serious look in his eyes.

"Please.."

"don't do anything your gonna have to regret in future.."
....
"I.."
"Mm."

..

"Me and Skylar planned on having drinks tonight to celebrate"

"You should come whenever you're free.."

"It should take your mind off of a few things.."

I let out a sigh as he nodded and walked away. I watched him as he started drifting further and further away from me.

...
I finally stood standing in the hallway Alone.
There was a part of me that wanted to turn around and chase after him, because I knew..that if I lost him.. then I'd be losing myself as well.