fantasy (oitnb// nicky nichols)

eight.

nichols never shared anything about herself, all i know is she's a junkie and had a troubled youth.. i didn't really share much about myself either. if i did, you would 100% be able to use my background against me.

i was laying in my bunk, i was going to the kitchen in about 30 minutes, hellman takes the book i was reading out of my hands and directs me to follow me. so i did, he was a CO.. i was an inmate so why wouldn't i? i didn't think much of it. he leads me out of the cell block, into a supply closet and locks the door.

"what's going on? i have to go to the kitchen soon, i can't be late." i ask, i was concerned.. maybe even a little scared

"your hot, i want somthing from you." he replies, stearnly

"oh um.. thanks but im not in the drug game. i can't sell for you."

"no, no i don't want you to sell for me. i want sex from you."

i step back from him "i can't, im.. sorry."

"your forgetting who's in charge here."

i tear up. "please don't make me do this, i'll do anything."

"i don't want anything else from you, inmate."

i barley made it to the van before it left. i was quiet, i had tears in my eyes. i look out the window as we were going to the ICE kitchen. nicky asked if i was ok but i just nodded and continued looking out the window.

once we get there and into the kitchen,  i put on a hairnet and an apron and i got straight to work. red really didn't have much for me to do, she could tell something was wrong so she took it easy on me, witch was odd considering "easy" wasn't like her. she was harsh and strong. she was different today, i don't really know why.

i was going to explode. i take off my hairnet and my apron, rushing to the freezer. i sit down and tears start pouring down my face. i couldn't keep it in. i pull at my hair. i felt violated.. i was. i felt dirty and stupid and like an idiot for just letting it happen. of course i didn't want it, but there's nothing i could've done. i had no power.

maybe this would be the reason i start using. maybe this was my last straw. i always told myself i'd never turn to drugs but honestly, i didn't really see any point in resisting. i hadn't used yet, but i really wanted to.

i wipe my face and i calm myself down before i leave the freezer. by the time i was done it was time to leave. i needed to cry again, i really needed to.

once we get back to the prison, i walk to my cell and i sit in my bed, i start to cry. i try not to but i couldn't keep it. i probably seem like a cry baby now but i couldn't help myself. i place my hands on my inner thighs, softly rubbing them.

god i'm so disgusting. i thought to myself, i felt it. i was gross.

nichols walks in, she looks worried when she sees my face "woah kid, what the happened, did someone die?" she asks, then sits next to me with her arm around my shoulders.

i shake my head, i don't say anything back. i lay my head on her lap, i was curled up in a ball. once of her arms was resting on my lower back, she rubbed my back trying to calm me down.

"ella, what happened to you? talk to me, kid.." she asks in a softer voice

"hellman." i responded

"what, did he try getting you to sell?"

"no nicky. he um.. he put his.. inside of me." i couldn't even say it, i was still in disbelief.

she sits up. "what?! what the hell! el, did you tell anyone?"

"no. you know how it is in here. they would probably say it was my fault."

"when i was in minimum a guard and inmate had sex, once it got out he got put in prison for being a sex offender"

"nicky i'm scared." i turn on my back and i look up at her, i cup her face with the both of my hands "i don't wanna tell anybody, he used s condom so it's not like i'll get pregnant anyways.." i fake a smile. "it'll be fine."

i reach up and i softly kiss her lips, she kisses me back, placing her hand on the back of my head.