stand here with me || h.s

11.

The Light by The Album Leaf

Eleven : Harry

I watched as Niall swung his club, eyes ahead, perfect form...he had grown increasingly better at golf and my skills had been at a standstill for a good year and a half now. "Another beaut." I clapped my hands quietly and he bowed.
"Grazie, grazie." We stepped into the golf cart and drove to the next hole. "I'm surprised you haven't asked me what to do."
"Hm?"
"About this whole thing with, Hal. You haven't asked what I think you should do."
"I don't even...Niall, I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I don't know how things got so out of hand."
"You cheated, ya bastard!"
"Yes, thank you, Niall." I rubbed a hand over my face. "She's...she's not going to let me in. She's standing her ground on this. I think I really, really screwed her up. She's so different. She's not the same girl, like, she's just...sad. She seems sad."
"Is this worth it then? Getting her back?" I shrugged and bit my lip. "To be honest, mate...I think it's just going to mess with her more. She could have been on the road to recovering from this and then you came back in the picture...dunno, Styles. Think maybe it's time to let her go. Let her heal instead of jumping right back in and tearing her down again."
"I can't just walk away, Niall. I can't just let her go."
"But that's where you're bein' selfish. You have to think about her, lad. Can't make this decision based on what you want or need. You have to think about what it will do to her."
"But, the thing is...what if she goes off the deep end and starts, dunno, seeing a bunch of different guys...I'd rather she get her frustrations out on me instead of some random lad."
"Selfish thoughts, mate."
"Not selfish, Niall. I can protect her-"
"Yeah, cause you did that so well before."
"I just...I love her. I care about her. I'm not going to hurt her, not again, so if she's going to lash out using sex, I'd rather she used me, instead of another guy who doesn't know her the way I do."
"I can understand where your coming from, but I think...don't hate me for this, alright?"
"No promises."
"I think she deserves better. I honestly do. I think she's an incredible girl. Smart and talented and just bloody amazing, yeah? I think that you doing what you did...you lowered yourself and it'll be unfair if you get her back. You don't deserve her. You really don't, Harry." I wanted to be angry. I wanted to hate him for saying those things, but I knew I couldn't. I knew he was right, in a sense.
"I can't just let her go..." He clapped me on the back and stepped out of the golf cart.
"Think you're gonna have to."

***

Hallie: can you come over?

I blinked at the message, wondering if this was meant for me or for someone else. Niall's words had been on a constant replay in my brain since we golfed this morning.

Harry: are you okay?

Hallie: I'm fine, can you just come over here right now?

I internally battled myself before typing up a weak response.

Harry: I'll be right there.

When I pressed the buzzer on the gate, it took a bit of time for it to open but when it did, I drove quickly through and parked in front of her garage. Upon walking in, the first thing I saw was a bikini clad Hallie, hair wet, her skin was dark and slick...she was so bloody beautiful. An absolute angel.
"I-it was unlocked?"
"Yeah, that's fine." She gulped down whatever was in her glass. "Couch or bed?" I groaned, knowing what was about to happen verses what she wanted to happen.
"We need to talk."
"Can it wait?"
"No, Hallie...no it can't."
"Okay...?" She sat down on the barstool. "Do you want a drink or something?"
"No, no-well, a water?" She pointed to the fridge and I opened it up and pulled a Fiji bottle out.
"I thought the whole point of this was not to talk."
"That's the thing. I can't...I can't do this." She scoffed.
"Did you not just say that you would do whatever it took?"
"I did, and I would...but Hal...we can't do this."
"Fuck?"
"No, I can't do this to you again. Everyone has been telling me this but I refused to believe it...I didn't want to listen to them, but I don't deserve you. You deserve so much better. You deserve someone who won't ever hurt you the way I did..." Tears glistened in her eyes, yet a bitter smile was forming on her face.
"I mean, it's not like you've tried."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You've never fought for me."
"That's bullshit, and you know it."
"How can you say that you have? I know I told you to let me go, I know I did, but you never even tried. You never even..." She wiped furiously at her wet eyes. "You know what? It doesn't matter. I'm over it and obviously so are you-"
"That isn't fair! You know I love you. You know I would do anything for you-"
"But you haven't! You haven't done anything!"
"Tell me what to do! Tell me what the fuck I can do!"
"Nothing. I don't-there isn't anything you can do." I shook my head, more frustrated than ever.
"See, this is what drives me bloody crazy! You-you're just so fucking stubborn! Do you want me? Because if you do, I need you to fucking tell me."
"I shouldn't have to tell you! You should have known! I am not some stupid girl-you can't just pick and choose when you want to be a fucking man, if you want me, earn me!" The veins in her neck were protruding, and I'm sure mine were doing the same, our shouting match proof enough that the passion was still there.
"I have told you over and over again that I want you-that I love you, and you know what I think?"
"What do you think, Harry?"
"I think you don't believe me."
"How can I?! How the fuck am I supposed to believe you?!"
"I don't know, okay? I don't fucking know. Maybe it's the millions of times I've said it, maybe it's the things I've done...I don't know. I love you more than fucking anything, Hallie."
"What am I supposed to say to that?"
"Maybe that you love me too? Tell me you want me, tell me, right now, to fight for you. Tell me something, but this...this sex and no questions, no relationship thing...it doesn't work for me. I can't just be a body for you to let your frustrations out on. I want you. I want all of you, not just bits and pieces."
"I don't think I can give you all of me...I'm not even sure all of me exists anymore."
"I don't believe that for a second. You are and have always been the strongest girl I know. You're still there, Hallie, I think you're the same girl, you're just scared and you've locked yourself away-"
"From you! I've locked myself away from you because I'm scared of you! I trusted you! I trusted you over anyone else and you...you hurt me, Harry. You fucking hurt me."
"I know I did." I stepped forward and cupped her face in my hands. "Tell me what to do, tell me how to fix this." She shook her head and her lip trembled and I felt the tears slip in between my hand and her cheek.
"I don't know. I...I still need to figure out what I'm doing and ever since you came back into the picture, I haven't even been able to think straight."
"So, what do you want to do? Do you want time?"
"If we take time, you'll just go and run to some girl-"
"You're wrong, I won't-I won't. I'm not going anywhere this time, Hallie. I'm not going to stray. I'll give you space, as much as you need but I won't ever leave your side. Not again."
"I can't be seeing you all the time. It'll never work."
"We live less than a block away from each other." My smile made her smile, even through her tears.
"Just don't come here."
"I won't. Not unless you ask me to."
"I won't ask you to."
"Okay then." I used my thumbs to wipe away her tears and then I kissed her head, keeping my lips on her skin for longer than need-be.
"If...if this doesn't work-"
"It will."
"But if it doesn't-"
"It's going to work. Don't doubt us."
"I can't help but doubt us."
"Tell me you still love me."
"I can't, not yet."
"Then tell me to fight for you. Tell me you don't want me to let you go." Her eyes were full of tears again and her lip trembled violently. "Hallie..." She shook her head, fingers gripping my wrists like if she let go, I'd disappear.
"I don't...I don't..." Drops of tears fell from her eyes, onto her cheeks and then into my hands. "Don't let me go, not again." I chewed on the inside of my cheek, trying to hold myself together. I had done so much damage-caused so much hurt. "Please, don't let me go, Harry." I brought her lips to mine in a soft kiss.
"I'm not-I won't. I love you...I love you."
"If you hurt me again, I'll die. I will."
"I won't, Hallie, I won't. I swear it. I swear to christ, I won't hurt you and I won't leave you." She allowed me to hold her for a little bit longer before creating distance once again. The thing was though, it wasn't a bad distance. It wasn't scary or threatening this time. It was hopeful and promising and I wasn't going to let her down. Not again. I was going to fight until I couldn't fight anymore because she was so much more than worth it.