stand here with me || h.s

23.

"I don't have a choice, but I still choose you." Poison and Wine...The Civil Wars

Twenty-three : Hallie

It was almost two am when I typed in the gate code to his home. I didn't care what time it was. I didn't care about anything. I slid my key into the door and pushed through. The lights were all off and it was pitch black, the only light shining was the moon through the windows. I crept down the forested bridge to his bedroom and saw that there was a small light on inside. When I walked in, he was sitting up in bed, scribbling something on a piece of paper. I knocked softly and he looked up, clearly alarmed before he realized it was me. "Can I come in?" He quickly shut his notebook and put it on the bedside table.

"Of course, yeah...come here." I kicked off my shoes and crawled over to him. As he wrapped his arms around me, I held onto his torso with all of my might. After a minute or two of silence, of his hands tracing slow and steady patterns on my bare skin, I glanced up at the man I loved so terribly.

"I understand." I didn't have to clarify this. He knew.

"I can't have you thinking that I don't love you, because I always will."

"I'm always going to love you too." More silence settled over us and I didn't ever want to let him go, but I knew by the time the sun came up, I'd have to go and then it would really be over.

"Think m'gonna go back to England for a while."

"Because of me?"

"No, no...think just, like, kind of left there without closure. Came here for you and, well, think it's time to go back."

"Are you going to miss me?"

"What kind of question is that?" I could hear the break in his voice. He did that when he was about to cry. "Hallie..."

"I just want to hear you say it." He pulled us farther down against the mattress.

"I can't imagine what this is going to be like. I can't...I can't breathe just thinking about tomorrow."

"I don't know what to do...how to feel."

"I'm going to miss you more than anything in this world, baby. More than you'll ever know."

"Can we just...can we pretend that this isn't the end? Can we pretend that everything is normal? Just for tonight?" He didn't answer me. Instead, a warm kiss was pressed against my mouth.

"I love you. I love you with everything that is me...my heart is yours. It's always going to be yours." He slowly peeled my clothes away as silent tears fell down my face. Foreplay wasn't bothered with. He moved in and out of me, eventually, both of us were trying to contain our hysterics. Salty tears mixed together, making it impossible to tell whose was whose. Breathy and desperate I love you's were exchanged continuously and I couldn't bear the thought of being without him. The thought that in a few short hours, I'd be leaving him and he'd be gone from my life, was something that seemed to cause cardiac arrest. Harry, my Harry, wasn't going to be my Harry anymore. My Harry would probably be someone else's Harry and I'd no longer be Harry's Hallie. His monkey. He wouldn't be my frog and I wouldn't be his monkey. "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..." He cried as the pale periwinkle took the dark night's place.

"Don't...don't apologize. Don't..." Sobs were taking over my entire being. The lump in my throat hurt so badly, I couldn't get words out.

"I love you. I'm sorry that I couldn't be the man you deserve. I'm sorry that I can't make you happy and I'm sorry-I'm so sorry that I hurt you."

"I forgive you, Harry, baby...I forgive you, it's okay." His silent sobs soon turned into shaky wails that tore my heart about, artery by artery. We laid there, violently sobbing together, knowing that within minutes it would all be over. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. I didn't want to be alive, especially when the clocked read 7:05. We both climbed out of bed, eyes swollen and tears now dry and messy against our faces. He walked me out to the driveway and when I opened my car door, he pulled me into his arms. "I'm so scared, Harry..."

"I am too. I'm bloody terrified."

"Do you think...do you think we'll ever find our way?"

"If I have anything to say about it." His attempt at lighthearted humor didn't do much good. It only made more tears present beneath my eyelids.

"I love you, Harry."

"I love you, Hallie-my Hallie...my girl..." Another minute and I don't think either of us would have survived. I pulled away first and he took a step back.

"Take care of yourself, please."

"I will, swear it. You do the same, yeah?"

"Only for you." I tried to smile, but it couldn't have been very believable. I got in my car then. It hurt. Closing the door, watching him in the rearview as I drove away. It hurt more than anything I'd ever experienced. More so than the pain of his betrayal. I think the difference was that we tried. We tried so hard to make it back, to be Hallie and Harry again. We tried and we tried and we failed. That's what hurt. We couldn't find our way. Nothing was enough. Leaving him-leaving each other by choice was worse than any forced breakup. Any forced ending was something I would have preferred. I love Harry. I love him and I never had a choice really, loving him wasn't a choice. Falling for him wasn't offered as an option. He happened to me. He happened to me and I didn't choose him, I didn't have a say. My heart chose him and said this is the boy who will change your life, have fun. I just wish I had known that the inevitable end would be the utmost painful, searing ache I had ever felt.

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This is not the end. So don't stop reading please xo