Heaven wait (Hashirama x Madara)

15. Self-inflicted suffering (Hashirama)

Madara didn't take my hand as we walked back home. I tried to take his, but he smiled apologetically without looking at me, and put his hand in his pocket.

And I realised that we were in danger. That I had hurt us a lot.

"Madara..."

He held up a hand.

"Don't."

When we came home, he stood in the hallway, and I saw his eyes were dead.

Why hadn't I told him earlier? Why had I let it come to this? How upset must he be, having seen my ex carrying my dream in a stroller, realising I was still mourning?

M, I'm sorry...

"I'll..." He swallowed. "I'll just take a walk."

We had just taken a walk, but I nodded.

"Let me just put on better shoes", I said.

But Madara shook his head.

"I need to be alone."

He left without saying goodbye.

I could deteriorate then. Just lay down on the wooden floor of our shared apartment and let the world eat me up. But I didn't. Instead, I kept my mind busy. I cleaned the apartment. I took a shower and cut the tips of my hair. I did laundry. I cooked dinner that would also suffice for several lunch boxes during the week.

But still, no Madara.

He didn't even come home at our bedtime. That was the first time I called him. I started to get worried something had happened, so when he didn't pick up, I sent him a message. He read it, but didn't answer. At first, I was relieved because that meant he was, at least, not dead in an alleyway somewhere. But then, I realised the fact that he hadn't even bothered to refrain himself from reading meant he didn't care. It broke my heart into a thousand pieces. But then, I thought about my own dark thoughts. The feeling of ownership of a daughter that wasn't mine in the slightest. Madara was a sensitive soul; he had noticed. Hadn't I broken his heart first?

At midnight, I gave up waiting for him, and for the first time since my life had begun for real, I was forced to fall asleep without him in our bed. 

Madara hadn't come back that night. My theory, that he was staying with a friend, was impossible for me to test since I didn't have any way of contacting said friends. I phones his university, asked if he has attended his lectures. They said they first of all couldn't say due to confidentiality, but also that they didn't know seeing lectures weren't mandatory, so they didn't check whether  students showed up or not.

Days passed. Weeks. I tried calling him. I sent him messages, some of which he read, some of which he didn't, before I gave up, not out of respect for him but because it pained me so much. I cried myself to sleep every night. I woke up crying. I lost a huge amount of weight as I could neither eat nor lift weights. I couldn't focus at work, terrified and excited as I was of the thought of him showing up for a placement, although he never did. Even his two classmates showed up, and when I asked about their "third party", not wanting to reveal I knew Madara personally, they had said he had asked to be moved to a hospital closer to his home, and had that request granted.

Which home? Madara lives with me.

The first few weeks, I had rested well in the fact that Madara would come back for his clothes. But then, I remembered man was fucking loaded, and could buy himself new things and probably add daily breakfasts at Tiffany's on top of that.