Heaven wait (Hashirama x Madara)

16. Bittersour helminth (Madara)

It was surprisingly easy, going back to all that was old.

I had thought there would at least be some guilt involved in it, or at least some shame, but there was none of that. I just left my life with Hashirama and started ruining the one I lived on my own.

As soon as I closed the apartment door behind me to go for my "walk", the decision was made within me. It was amazing to me how the abstinence could come back to me from one second to the next just by said decision. I knew I would drink. I knew I would snort. And that made me tremble and sweat all over. 

I went to a luxury hotel and booked a suite. I immediately went to the bar and chugged lemon vodka directly from the flask. Never had I thought you could feel so thirsty for the bittersour drink. I wasn't used to alcohol anymore, so it went straight up to my brain, making it feel as if though a helminth was gnawing its way through my brain. I balanced that out by snorting a line made from a bag of the white powder I had bought on my way here.

Then I went to the bathroom, which had a huge bathtub standing in the middle of the grey stone room. I filled it up with scorching hot water and a bath bomb that was scented with vanilla and green grape that stood next to it, and let the rush the alcohol and cocaine had given me drown.

It wasn't until two hours later, when the water was only lukewarm and I was freezing, that I allowed myself to finally feel all the feelings I had kept at bay until that point.

And when I let it in, it crushed me underneath its weight, and I started crying.

I cried for what Hashirama had been for me, and for what I had been for Hashirama. I cried over the perfect love story between M and H having been lost. I cried over the fact that Hashirama desired a child, something I could never give him. I cried over the fact that Hashirama had chosen a man just because he was afraid of what a woman could give him, even if that thing was what he desired most of all in the world, even more than me. I cried over the fact that he had loved someone else before me so much, it still caused him pain to this day.

I rose up from the bath soaked with bath salt and tears.

If I had had to work for money, maybe that would have helped me. But I did not, and so had no motivation to keep myself on track. In fact, I desired to ruin my life.

I wondered if it was self-harm, but the thought angered me, provoked me to unreasonable amounts. No, it wasn't self-harm. I knew I was doing it to harm Hashirama. I got back into drinking and snorting. I hardly went out of my apartment. I hardly ate. I was contacted by my university several times until finally, I lost my place. 

I created a profile on the dating app where me and Hashirama had met out of spite, with the same picture and profile, but this time, I was reckless. I swiped yes on every man that looked like a fuckboy and wrote to them who I was. When they said they didn't believe me, I didn't feel sad because Hashirama had believed me. Instead, I used the situation to my advantage by sending them a nude.

It had exactly the effect I wanted, for some of these men, at least. They threatened to sell the photos to paparazzi unless I gave them exactly what they wanted, which I did. I sold myself just to punish Hashirama, to make myself untouchable to him, to make him disgusted by me. I let these men fuck me until I was bruised, on the outside and within, inside my body but also inside my soul.

But they could never make me bleed the way Hashi had.