Hagrid Loves Hermione

Dumbledore

   High in the highest spire of Hogwarts Castle, Dumbledore sat at his desk alone, feeding his pet Phoenix some rare Gibbleflax seeds he had procured. The creature cracked and gobbled them, purring happily. Dumbledore smiled and stroked it's back-feathers.
A booming knock came at his door.
"Come in." he said, not looking up from his activities.
A large shape crossed the dim room.
Dumbledore recognized the sound of his footfalls and odor of animal dung.
"Hagrid." he said softly.
Hagrid stopped in front of Dumbledore's huge desk, his head lowered and hands clasped together.
"Evenin' Head Master."
"What can I do for you on this fine evening?" Dumbledore asked, peering over his half-moon spectacles.
"Er..it's hard to explain.."
"How so?"
Hagrid wrung his great hands together and said nothing.
"Trouble with a student?" Dumbledore asked.
"Yuh, I guess ya could say that."
"Which one? Draco again?"
Hagrid shook his head, and whispered a name.
"Who? Speak up, man." Dumbledore said.
"Hermione."
The Phoenix stopped eating and looked up quizzically.
"Hermione? Granger?"
"Yeah."
"What in the world could be the problem? She's one of our best pupils."
Hagrid stayed silent.
"Is she in trouble?" Dumbledore asked.
"No, not her. It's me who's in trouble."
"Why? What happened?"
"Well....er..."
Dumbledore smiled.
"Hagrid. Are you, by chance, having impure thoughts about one of the children here?"
Hagrid clenched his hands and beat himself in the head, screaming "Yes! Yes I am! I'm so sorry Dumbledore! I'm a monster, I am!"
Dumbledore gestured for him to calm down.
"Hagrid, my boy. It's ok. You're not a monster, you're just a man."
"She's just a child! I'm so terrible."
"She's 17 now, hardly an infant."
"Yes, but..."
"Hagrid...it's fine. Don't abuse yourself over it. She's a very pretty little lady, and sometimes it's hard to remember that they're so young and naive. You've done nothing wrong, as long as it's just thoughts. These are just thoughts, right? You haven't...done anything?"
"Oh...no, sir! Never in a million years would I.."
Dumbledore smiled and shushed him.
"Then don't worry about it. We're men, Hagrid. We like pretty things. We can't help it anymore than a cow can stop fancying grass."
Hagrid slumped, relieved.
"Just remember, keep it all in your head."
"Yes, sir."
"Promise?"
"Yar...I promise. Thank you, Head Master."
Hagrid left quietly.

Dumbledore waited until his office door closed, and said "Okay, the big bastard is gone."
Luna Lovegood's head poked out from under his desk.
"Oh finally!" she said. "You lost your hard-on."
"Well yeah, who can have a boner with that big goofy fuck in the room?"
Luna smiled. "I'll get it back stiff in no time, Dumbly."
"You know I hate that nickname." he said.
Luna's head disappeared.
From under the desk she said "So what did he want?"
"Ah, Hermione came back from Summer Break with some big titties and now the poor fellow feels tempted."
She laughed, her mouth partly full.
"Imagine, Dumbly, being tempted by us young students!"
"Oh shut up and get to work." he said. "I need to blow my load and get some sleep."

After a moment Dumbledore leaned back, contentedly petting his Phoenix.