Lost One

Chapter 12

...................................I can't think anymore......................I can't talk anymore........................words come out unspoken to most. My words unintelligable. Its frustrating. The things I want to say don't come out. The things I don't want to say come out. I don't even know who's talking anymore. Can I even call this talking. Its just mumbling. I can't complete a full sentence. What happened. I don't understand, what happened. I was seen as the smartest in some classes. Of course not all, but I was amongst the high ranking. But what happened. Why am I like this. I can't even speak. I can't do anything. I have no talents no hobbies no skills no beauty. I'm a nobody, less than a nobody. I'm forgetful. I'm easily replaced. I'm clingy and jealous and I hate this so much I....I... why have I become like this. I'm such an ugly person, in and out. These days I've been okay. Have I been okay. Or rather....I've just accepted that this is my fault. I can't blame other people. I can't blame anyone. I'm not depressed. I'm not stressed. I'm not sad. I'm okay. Because this is all my fault. This is my fault.

Its funny, so funny. Before I was what people call depressed. I can't believe I even believed I had such a thing. I was just a shameful coward. Refused to improve myself. Just cried and cried about nothing. Now I can't do that...but...yet I do. Anytime a problem happens, there I am. Complaining and complaining and complaining. I can't make him happy.

I wanna tell him everything but I shouldn't. What even is there to tell. He's hurting more than I ever will. I am blessed. He's shown me that and yet I complain. I'm disgusting.

I don't understand. Am I okay?