Lost One

Chapter 19

What have I done. I should've kept it in. My stupid jealousy. It must be so disgusting for him. He doesn't even love me so he wouldn't understand. He said he got annoyed. Why do I wanna believe it wasn't true. But it is. I annoyed him. I bothered him. I said I wasn't going to be like that. Yet here I am being worse as the days go on. No wonder why he can move on from me so easily. No wonder why he could leave me all the time. I feel sick. I'm a bother to everyone. Can't even make a decent conversation or joke. Forgrf that I can't even form a sentence without stuttering. No one gets it. No one. My anxiety is getting worse. It's more frequent too or just that I've been more aware of it. Wtf do I do. I keep messing up my relationships with people. I keep ruining everything. I'm a bad sister and friend I wanna disappear give everyone some time off from me fuck sake even now I wanna text him I wanna apologise and apologise I feel like I'm doing that a lot lately but that's just how useless I am how annoying I am how fucking retarded I am. God I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck why can't I just be like normal people why do I have to be the way I am. What is wrong with me. Ah man and I expect people to love me... when I loathe myself the most. What do I do. I wanna be alone. All alone.

I've never thought of having fun myself. Whenever I hang out with people or talk to them I keep having to make sure they're having fun. I don't know if I acc enjoy being with friends. They don't feel like friends rather just people that exist here.