Lost One

Chapter 18

I don't understand people. I feel like everything I do hurts or annoys someone in some way or another. I don't have friends. Yet I wanna be the closest to someone but I don't want them close to me. I wanna know all their secrets but I don't want them to know mine. I'm so angry, so so angry in this moment of time.
I'm not a fucking parent, I didn't ask to be relied on so much. I don't wanna be a parent. I hate kids. I hate adults. I just wanna be alone. I'm so gross aren't I. So selfish. No regards to people's feelings. It's easier to be alone. I just wanna cut myself up. Stab myself everywhere. I keep imagining it. Keep thinking of it. I just hate myself. So fucking much. I wanna die. I wanna die. Fuck sake fuck fuck fuck ruck fuck I don't wanna be here anymore.

I told a lecturer about how I was feeling. About my panic and anxiety attacks. It was my last little hope of getting help for myself  the last little but of being nice to myself. But I regret it. She didn't understand. She just offered breathing exercises. She didn't check on me after as well. I think she thinks I'm overexaggersting. Perhaps I am. Perhaps it's all in my head. Perhaps I'm just a weakling that can't take the stress that others can. I don't wanna do this anymore. But I have no right to think that way. I can't cut myself I can't die i can't get help I can't tell people I can't I can't I can't so what can I do. I got my driving license cus my parents wanted me to. I don't want a car but I need it. I wish I wasn't the oldest. I didn't have anyone to rely on. And whenever my siblings rely on me, it pisses me off. I always think, why can't they do it themselves cus I did it myself.