Lost One

Chapter 16

I hate being sick. It reminds me how lonely I am. How invisible I am. How replaceable I am. Would anyone really miss me if I disappeared.. maybe some will at first. Maybe just my family actually. But even them will forget after some time. Its not like I'm close with them anyway...

Actually, my parents will probably think the worst of me. I'm already their disappointment of a daughter. Their first child failed them. I was supposed to be their trophy child. Instead I became everything they said I am and nothing they hoped I would be.

My friends..well..maybe my close friends will be a little sad. At least I kinda hope they would be. But again time moves on, people move on. He..wouldn't care....

I hate being sick. I really hate it.

Normally I write on here with tears pouring down my face, in a state of utter sadness. This times different. That moment of sadness and anger at everyone has passed. Well it would be a lie to say I'm completely over it, so I'm still a little sad. I'm calm...

In a state of calmness is when it's most dangerous...

I calmed myself down as I always do. Cry about everyone then blame myself that it's all my fault. It really is...all my fault. I made myself this forgettable person. This ugly disgusting person. I can't blame others. If I was smart, pretty, extroverted, the person who'll always make you laugh...maybe then I would be remembered.

No one remembers the quiet girl in the back of the class near the window. You would call her ugly without a second thought and move on. You would think she wouldn't say anything back. You would think she'd be alone for the rest of her life. You wouldn't think of her twice... and they're all right. That is exactly the girl I am. No qualities to make her stand out. You get bored of me easily. Even annoyed.

I should change I should change I should change I should change I should change I should change

But

I'm so tired...

The people around me are all hurting. I can't bother people with my troubles. I complain too much anyway. I need to stop. Need to stop being me. I don't like me. I loath me.

This moment shall also pass. I forgive easily. I move on quick. But I come back just as quickly. I'll be smiling tomorrow. No one catches me in my moments of weakness. Haha I won't let them.

This will all pass...

And I will be back to pretending again.