Lost One

Chapter 14

I wasn't able to talk about that day. Not even with the one person that I tell everything to.

It was the last day of placement. Placement was a nightmare. I couldn't express the horror to anyone. No one would understand. He wouldn't understand. I know it's just anxiety but. Every day of placement gave me horror. I hated it. Every morning. Every walk to the hospital. Every 5 minutes before I walked into the room. My anxiety was too much for me to handle.

I couldn't tell anyone. No one would understand. That's not it. No one could do anything. Sometimes I wonder if the dizziness was from the anxiety. I was so scared.

I know I'm overexaggersting but please listen to me. Just this one time, listen to me.

Every morning I'd have an anxiety attack. And what's the funny thing is..the worst of them all was the day after I finished placement...

That Friday, we did all our hours so we had free time. But that was the worst day. I woke up that morning with a panic attack. It was so severe. So brutal. I just wanted to be alone, be home alone. But, that was the day we had to go out. I waited for some time for the panic attack to stop. I didn't tell her. She's too innocent. I couldn't tell her. I subsided the panic attack and went through the morning. She gave me a birthday gift. I couldn't be happy. I felt nothing. How could I do that you may wonder. I don't know.

I tried to keep the conversation up. It was so hot. So so hot. I didn't even want to be out, let alone walking around in the heat. To be honest, I was annoyed at her for making me carry her stuff. I'm sure if I said I was tired, she wouldn't have done that. But I was in an awful mood. But I convinced myself it's cus I didn't feel well. So I soldiered on. We walked back and forth. With every walk, I felt like i was dying. I wanted to go home so badly. The panic attack was still there. Sometimes it would feel lighter. Sometimes it would feel heavier. I just wanted it to stop. But I couldn't tell her I wanted to go home. I'm sure that day wasn't as enjoyable for her as I could have made it to be. I just couldn't stand it. I wanted to collapse. I struggled to walk another step. I wanted to crawl under my covers and lay there for eternity. But I couldn't.

I couldn't.

We came home, not really saying much to one another as we packed. I wanted to collapse. I couldn't hold myself up any longer. She was the first to go. And...

I don't know what happened. I really don't know. All that time I was out there I didn't realise I was still in the middle of a panic attack. Once I sat on my phone and watched reels. 10 or 20 mins later I don't know. It hit me. It hit me so fucking hard. The full blown panic fiasco. It hurt. I nearly gravelled to my knees. I sobbed so hard.

Uncontrolled crying. Hyperventilating. Of course it was a panic attack. Eventhough I've had some before. That panic attack was full of...pure sadness. And perhaps some relief. Relief I could finally let it out. I couldn't understand what I was feeling and I still don't. It makes sense but it doesn't at the same time. I don't know why I was crying. I couldn't put a reason to it. My heart felt shattered.

So there I bent over, crying my eyes out, gripping to whatever I could....

Then the next moment I stopped crying. The feeling was still there. All 100% of it. But I stopped. I didn't feel any better but...

His text came... I hid it. I hid the pain. I can't remember why I didn't tell him. I think I just couldn't say anything at the time. Yes. That was it. I couldn't bring myself to say anything. So I hid it. But I wanted to tell him later on. I was hoping I could but it didn't help that I hid it as a joke. Those moments I felt too shattered to say anything. I acted normal. I was too tired. Way too tired.

I just...wanted to disappear.

I hate my anxiety. I'm scared of it. It's getting worse and worse and I don't know what to do. Help me please help me. I'm scared. I'm so utterly terrified.