Treasure [h.s]

| 18 - Just Friends |

I kissed Harry.

It's not the first time we've kissed, but this one was different. There was a purpose to it, a deeper meaning that I couldn't voice out loud. He kissed me back so urgently like he was using his lips as a last-resort plea to keep me with him. He held my face to him as if he needed me closer than we already were, and he even whimpered into my mouth like I was giving him the air he needed to survive.

We stayed connected for so long that by the time we finally stopped kissing, we were both a mess of rising chests and swollen lips. Our bodies stayed pressed together as we stood on top of the world, giving ourselves completely up to one another. The soft pecks he left on my lips every so often kept me grounded in midair, reminding me that my feelings are real and so is he.

Nothing in the heated moment of our conversation felt more right than letting him know that I believe him when he promises he isn't going anywhere. Call me stupid, but I really want to believe him. There aren't many people in this life that I can rely on, or even want to rely on, but Harry is quickly becoming one of them. He's so eager to please me that I have no doubt he'd drop everything if I needed him.

I've been testing him a bit with that theory too, like the night I asked him to come back over. I was too deep in my head about every way we could end again and I needed him to prove me wrong. He did, and he stayed with me the entire night and well into the morning.

And then when he had to be away from me for a few days, I tried to play it off as casually as I could but his constant efforts to be with me without physically being there really helped ease my insecurities. I kept his hoodie on me the entire time and I had to hurry to change out of it when he asked me to come outside for him.

Don't think about tomorrow, right? Maybe the tomorrow that he leaves again will come, but for now, I'm choosing to believe he won't. I'm aware that I'm being intentionally delusional and honestly, I don't mind it.

I don't know what exactly this makes us, the farthest we've gotten with that is at the carnival when we agreed to just be together. I'm fine with no label still, I don't want Harry to be contractual and I like the way we are now without having to put ourselves in a box.

I'm trying to not freak myself out over this. I took the initiative to kiss him so he would know how I felt about him and where I stood with his proposition. I couldn't wait any longer for him to make the move, yet I don't even really know why I did it. I deserve to be like any other person my age and live a little. He makes me feel like that's possible, but I don't know if I'll ever quit hearing the voice in the back of my head screaming at me to stop.

I'm at the point where I'm unsure if this voice is even mine, or if it really is something I've made up just like Harry suggested. Do I really overthink so much that I'm drawing conclusions about scenarios that won't happen? Is every moral and rule I've made for myself built on a foundation of insecurity and lies? I don't know if I'll end up an addict like my parents, but he makes me want to take that chance.