Treasure [h.s]

| 27 - Always |

***
Eyes can't shine
Unless there's somethin' burnin' bright behind
Since you went away, there's nothin' left in mine
I feel myself runnin' out of time
How many nights does it take to count the stars?
That's the time it would take to fix my heart

Infinity - One Direction
***

My alarm rings, and rings, and fucking rings.

The same as every morning in the last nine days. I think I've cried so much since the dance that my body is actually just dehydrated meat. That's as metaphorically true as it is physically, too. I have no more sad thoughts. I have no more tears.

I feel empty. Broken.

The universe works in cruel ways. Just as I was becoming comfortable with the idea of straying away from the plan I set for myself, the entire world came crashing down. I've had a lot of time to think and I've come to the conclusion that it's me. I'm the common denominator in every problem.

Do I really want to watch him die? Can I commit to being with him knowing what's going to happen?

Nobody wants to watch their partner wilt away. No one wakes up and thinks, 'I'd love to take care of you when you're on the brink of death, nothing would make me happier than to clean up your vomit and wash you like you're not a grown man who should be able to do it yourself.'

It's fucking cruel. He's going to suffer, fuck, he probably already has been suffering. He has to live with the knowledge that at any moment, he'll be gone. But not like we naturally would be, he's going to be gone well before he ever should have been.

I don't believe in God anymore. I was never really certain about him, but I don't want to trust an entity who kills off innocent people. I think I'm cursed. I must have been a villain in a past life. Maybe I did something wrong, like killed an entire species of animal or burned down villages, because I'm a plague that keeps hurting everyone around me.

Everything I touch dies.

Dallie died and I lost my parents because I couldn't save them. I let myself get carried away with distractions and sins and as a punishment, the man I love is going to die. I can't save him. There's nothing I can do to fix him. I allowed myself to get caught up in him and now we're both suffering.

I tried to start treatments to fix it, but it's too late. I tried to fix it for you.

I made him fall in love with me and now he's going to die. I think I'm the siren. I lured him in and gave him false hope. I can't imagine the pain of knowing you're going to leave the person you can't fathom being without and not even getting the option to stay. I feel so incredibly guilty for making him want me. I trapped him in the cruelest way imaginable.

My feelings for you won't ever change, but sometimes I might not be able to keep up like I do now. I've been getting weaker lately, and more tired.